Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
The phrase 'crumpled heap' comes to mind.

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Toast Perforator

Poke holes in food to increase condiment absorbsion
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Johnny sighed. Once again,his dreams of the Perfect Toast had been shattered by inadequate butter absorption. He was getting reeeaaalllyy tired of this, so he decided to fix it. He flipped through his mental Rolodex of failed ideas. Butter-cube cannon? No. Revolving butter-applying paintbrush wheel? No. Butter-toast particle accelerator? No. Butter spraypaint? Ew. Butter injector? that hadn't worked well, but the idea got him thinking...

Well into the night, Johnny worked, until finally, it was done. The idea was as simple as it was brilliant- a mechanism that drove a needle up and down very fast, like the needle of a sewing machine. This device was mounted to X and Y plotter motors that caused it to move across the toast like a Space Invader across the screen, creating many tiny wells 3/4 of the thickness of the toast deep. this depth was chosen so that butter did not just run through the toast, while still being deep enough to hold enough butter. The increased surface area of the toast, as well as the infusion-promoting wells, allowed delicious buttery flavor to infuse through the toast. The only thing left was to test the device, which Johnny did. As he bit into the warm, perfectly crisped, butter-infused toast, his eyes lit up. He had done all that he had hoped and more. He had not only achieved the Perfect Toast, he had acheived... Toastvana.

Hive_Mind, Jul 09 2008

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       I wasn't able to include this in the idea, but this can also work for jam, jelly and marmalade, for less cholesterolicious toast options. It can also perforate meat, to help hold sauces and rubs, as well as baked potatoes, both to provide steam vents and and easy-acess salt'n'butter ports. Other uses- Oreos(maybe) and milk, biscuts(UK) and tea, and biscuts(US) and gravy, as well as pretty much anything else with a topping.(the hight of the assembly and length of needle is adjustable, so you can poke holes in pretty much anything.) the device might even be able to tenderize meat!
Hive_Mind, Jul 09 2008
  

       Punching wells in the toast causes localised density variations. My competing product simply pulls a vacuum on the back side of the toast while the flavorful media is being applied.   

       However, this could be used to create a break-it-in-half lines, for my fiance's pleasure.
normzone, Jul 09 2008
  

       Mmmmm... crumpets....
theleopard, Jul 09 2008
  

       What [theleopard] said.
zen_tom, Jul 09 2008
  

       Really this should be either the Perfereter or the Porforotor, if ethnic vowel purity is the goal. Except the first would have to be run by ferets, and the second would turn round and round as it left toast pores.
bungston, Jul 09 2008
  

       Isn't this more like a butter tattoo for bread?
MisterQED, Jul 09 2008
  

       [admin: I mainstreamed spelling of the title to "Perforator", from Latin forare, to bore.]   

       Hmmmm. Cream puffs. Hmmmm.
jutta, Jul 09 2008
  

       Now my witty and acerbic anno does not make any sense.
bungston, Jul 09 2008
  

       Isn't toast already porous? Butter saturation is readily achievable, should you dare.
Texticle, Jul 09 2008
  

       I thought this was going to be a device used to interrupt the drunk guy trying to act nostalgic at a wedding or some such.
daseva, Jul 09 2008
  

       //Butter spraypaint?//
Has anyone done this? Aerosol butter perhaps? I'd bun that.
zen_tom, Jul 10 2008
  

       Yes, of course.. It's liquid enough, just nebulize it! None of this metered dose, HFA, or CFC propellant business.
daseva, Jul 10 2008
  

       How about firing said perforated toast at high speed, flat on, at a suitably sized pat of butter? The compressive force would transfer a thin layer of butter across, perhaps.
Ling, Jul 10 2008
  

       It should be pedal-powered.
nineteenthly, Jul 10 2008
  

       Ling, I think you would have to impart spin to the toast to prevent it from tumbling, and this would cause the butter to be flung away from it in all directions.
bungston, Jul 10 2008
  

       Molecular Beam Epitaxy ?
8th of 7, Jul 10 2008
  

       Hey, [Zen_tom], butter spraypaint is baked for real. And it tastes HORRIBLE.
Hive_Mind, Jul 11 2008
  

       [ling], that is actually a fusion of a previous idea ad this one. (earlier designs involved a butter cannon.)
Hive_Mind, Jul 11 2008
  

       And to everybody else who looked at this and thought "crumpets", I didn't even know what exactly those WERE until after I posted this.
Hive_Mind, Jul 11 2008
  

       Do I hear a banjo? And a muted humming?
Canuck, Jul 11 2008
  

       Sorry man, for this same exact reason is why you do not grocery shop while hungry.   

       In order to achieve toastvana you simply butter the bread before you lay it in a Toaster Oven.
The collector, Jul 13 2008
  

       Hi, [the collector]. I normally don't do this, I'm not supposed to. But I thought I'd comment on your profile page right here in this little idea. I hope you get to read it, but you might have already lost hope in us, and subsequently left for more challenging company.   

       //They employ way too much emotion to convey their thoughts.//   

       Terminology such as **way too much** is an easy-to-spot emotional appeal.   

       Idiot.
daseva, Jul 13 2008
  

       No no no no no, [The collector], buttering and then toasting toast is the OTHER way to get sent to Toastvana. It is also a great way to get sent to the burn ward. This gets you to Toastvana, but it does not make <vector strong bad> YOUR TOAST A SPLODE! <end vector strong bad>
Hive_Mind, Jul 13 2008
  

       Also, I dont have a toaster oven.
Hive_Mind, Aug 16 2008
  


 

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