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Baker Street Irregulars
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MaxCo. has recently become aware of the new fad of on-
the-line shopping, which is
no doubt set to become jolly popular. At the same time,
though, it seems to have its
drawbacks. In particular, things which are designed to be
cheaply shippable tend to
require extensive assembly upon delivery.
has therefore launched its ViaMax service, with tie-
ins to the Amazon, the e-
Bay and other electronic retailers.
Simply tick the "Send it ViaMax" box when you order, and a
modest (but not falsely
modest) fee will be added. Instead of being sent directly to
you, your purchases will
be sent to MaxCo. Teams of highly-motivated, barely-paid
minions will carefully
unpackage your item and do all the things you would
otherwise have to do yourself.
Long handles on carpet-sweepers will be screwed together
from their segmented
parts, and additionally spot-welded together to enhance
their utility. Flat-pack furniture will not only be assembled
precisely using the correct torque on all screws and bolts,
but will be discreetly reinforced with additional fixings and
state-of-the-art adhesives. Plastic feet will
be screwed onto convector heaters, executive office chairs
will be fully and firmly
assembled and batteries will be installed in remote controls.
blister packs will be opened, their contents lovingly
repackaged in boxes; endless
quantities of expanded polystyrene will be recovered for
recycling and replaced by a
minimum of corrugated cardboard. Protective films will be
peeled off smartphone
screens, pointless plastic covers will be removed from plugs.
will be charged to fullness, ready to work.
When you receive the item (a mere 24 hours later than
would otherwise be the case),
it will be presented in a fully-assembled ready-to-go state in
a minimum of unfussy
||I didn't know you had minions [Max] (have you seen a doctor
about it?), perhaps you can enlighten me on a small point, I've
often wondered what species the little yellow tic tacs are,
and where I can get some?
||He has a breeding colony of them in the dungeons of the North-north-east tower at the far end of the old south-west wing extension.
||Look, it's very simple. Yes, it's self-assembly, but really not that difficult. Put the cheese on the biscuit; put the assembled item in your mouth; eat.
||Would prefer if all of the parts were fitted
improperly or attached to the wrong items before
despatching, so only a half croissant this time.
||Well, there's no pleasing some people. But for you, [xen], I
believe [8th] has a service that will satisfy.
||//it's very simple// No, it very isn't. First, there's the cheese. There are only
seven cheeses really worth eating, most of them are hand-made only when it's a
good year for the milk, and two of them are French. In each case, it's necessary
to visit the respective cheesemaker, get to know his or her family, become
godparent to one or more of his or her children, help with renovating their
barn/cowshed/house, rescue their dog/cat/horse and then possibly, when the
moment is right, hint at the possibility of desiring the opportunity to buy that
year's cheese. Then there's the crackers, and don't even get me started on those,
especially when negotiations have to be started even before one is confident of
being able to obtain the particular cheese for which any given cracker is best
suited. There are further problems in keeping particular rooms at the right
temperature for eating a specific cheese. And we haven't even considered the
necessary pairing with wine/port/spirits/beer. So don't "very simple" me.
||You need to get more in touch with your Inner American ... there's only one sort of cheese* in America, and one sort of cracker (but in two different sorts of packaging, to perpetuate the myth of "consumer choice").
||* Or wax. Or plastic. Or adhesive. Or wood filler. Or ... well, multi-purpose conformable pale coloured substance thought (but not necessarily proven) to be largely non-toxic.
||That's unfair, [8th]. Some of the finest artisanal cheeses in
the entire world come from the United States. Cheesemaking
there goes back generations, and has developed in a
multitude of region-specific ways, each with its own charm
and qualities to delight the palate.
||No, wait - I was thinking of Italy.
||Easy mistake to make - they're both run by secretive, corrupt, exploitative criminal organizations ... in fact, the same one.