A particularly damp and soggy month of August is causing a difficult harvest for wheat farmers. In my small county of Wiltshire, it's estimated that each farmer will have to pay around £14,000 to have their wheat dried before it can be sold. The current wheat drying process is expensive , and uses a
lot of energy.
Worry not, I have halfbaked a step by step plan to ensure that Wheat Wigs will save the day.
1. Mass produce a stack of "Wig Bases"; perforated plastic headgear which are a cross between skateboard helmets and colanders.
2. Convince environmentally/publicity conscious celebrities to don the "Wig Bases" on their famous noggins. Insert straws of wheat into each hole so that a fine head of "wheat hair" builds up.
3. While the celebrities go about their daily business, allow fine publications such as "Crazy Celebs" and "Zoom Lens Monthly" to send their best paparazzi snappers to document the wheat-drying qualities of the celebrity bonces.
4. Distribute "Wig Bases" to Milliners worldwide, ready for the clamor of the hoi polloi as they attempt to emulate their favorite famous person.
5. Lounge back and watch with satisfaction as the world harnesses the wheat drying power of the human head.
6. Allow arable farmers to deal with the finer details of distributing and collecting the drying wheat. After all, we've already done them a big favour by inventing the Wheat Wigs; they ought to do a bit to help themselves. It rarely pays to mollycoddle the agricultural masses.