Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Second-tier ambulance service for not very important cases
  [vote for,

The NHS is in crisis. Old folk are croaking in corridors. Unwanted body parts are being sold to balance budgets. Emergency cases are not getting to A & E on time because of traffic snarl-ups, bed shortages, or Health Authority quotae. We've already seen pedal-powered paramedic crews on the streets of London.

Yet how many times have you had your nose repointed on the rugger pitch, say, and been offered an ambulance to take you to hospital? Reluctantly, you accept the ride. But it does your conscience no good at all. Surely someone else needs it badlier?

Now, it's no problem. You'll get your ride to the septum straightener, eventually, if anyone can be bothered.

General Washington, Sep 11 2002


       Not sure about this.
angel, Sep 11 2002

       Good for indecisive people - if you're not sure if you need to go to hospital, phone for an Ambivalance. It goes slowly, so you have a chance to change you mind on the way there and maybe just get dropped off at a pharmacy or something.   

       Croissant. Maybe. Or then again, maybe not.   

       <aside> "badlier" ? Is that a real word, or a Dubyahism ? </aside>
8th of 7, Sep 11 2002

       Badlier, yes. Comparative adverbs. English is the fastest-evolving language the universe has ever seen, keep up in the back!   

       My flatmate even came up with a new strong past partciple yesterday, from 'slough': "This needs to get sloven off."
General Washington, Sep 11 2002

       I know a few people from Slough.
angel, Sep 11 2002

       ... and it definitely needs sloven off. Dear, dear Johnny Betjeman.
PeterSilly, Sep 11 2002

       GW: // This needs to get sloven off. //   

       Your flatmate is a snake ? And it talks ?
8th of 7, Sep 11 2002

       No 8th, she wrop herself around my hand and selectern my keypresses.
General Washington, Sep 11 2002

       // English is the fastest-evolving language the universe has ever seen //   

       Indeed, it's evolving fastlier than the most others.
waugsqueke, Sep 11 2002

       That new American president, he's helping it along.
PeterSilly, Sep 11 2002

       He's certainly promotionalising a more speedlier methodologification ....
8th of 7, Sep 11 2002

       Dubya's working hard, 24-7... 24 hours a week, 7 months a year..
Mr Burns, Sep 11 2002

       Please don't navel-gaze about the halfbakery *inside* the halfbakery. It's all too cozy and incestuous. Maybe reserve that for www.parboilery.com.
General Washington, Sep 11 2002

       I just want to know what's going to happen to Ameringlish after Reagan leaves office. Surely nobody could be worse than him!
PeterSilly, Sep 12 2002

       Reagan left (the) office a long time ago. I mean that in a good way.
thumbwax, Sep 12 2002

       If your problem isn't life threatening, I guess you already have the option of a taxi (which is slower, but much less expensive, than an ambulance. At least here in Australia.) I also know someone who walked to hospital with a broken leg. OK, it wasn't penetrating out thru the skin, but even so...
pfperry, Sep 12 2002

       One of my colleagues once extracted a painful molar in the men's washroom using a pair of electrician's pliers after a drinking session one friday lunchtime. He emerged, grinning and drooling bloodstained saliva, proudly brandishing the tooth in the pliers. Our admin girl, who was only a youngster and didn't like icky things much, ran out of the door and threw up in the flower bed. We made Dave buy her flowers and some chocolates as an apology. That sort of thing is OK (even routine) in a rugby club, but out of order in the workplace.
8th of 7, Sep 12 2002

       Yes [pfperry], but you're all extremely tough in Oz. I hear the women there pull their babies out themselves using a rope-and-pully arrangement.
General Washington, Sep 12 2002

       <obligatory misinterpretation>I'm not sure I can really be bothered to vote on this one. I just don't feel strongly enough about it.</om>   

       [thumb] - irony, my dear chap, irony...
PeterSilly, Sep 12 2002

       //I also know someone who walked to hospital with a broken leg.//   

       Did he phone for a *perambulance*?
Guy Fox, Sep 12 2002

       Pretty good idea. Only problem I see is that your ordinary roadways could quickly be turned into hypochondriac highways (albeit not filled with speeding vehicles like the determinambulances...). Maybe there could be roving trucks that only carry defribirators- defridgerators- defribullators- those shock thingies, and also do a little minor first aid and on-the-spot schtuff.
polartomato, Sep 13 2002

       This is a history lesson for many folk, I'm sure, but it was within the last 20 years that ambulances became regulated businesses around these parts. Ambulances were required by law to carry radios and oxygen, and to be station wagon style vehicles in order to qualify to have “ambivalance" written in backward letters on their windscreens and elsewhere. I presume that was to give drivers a ready made excuse for exceeding the posted 75mph speed limit.   

       I give credit to any scraped, bruised, skinned up, stoved, gaseous, sniffling, sleepless, vituperative, hung-over, or diarrheaic soul who tires of the misery, and having failed at other home treatments, either drives over, takes a taxi or preferably a long walk, or succo(u)rs a lift from neighbors to the nearest doc-in-a-box during normal business hours. Extra special credit to those that remember, in spite of the misery, to bring some sort of identification and means to pay for services. Since some tests ranging from vital signs to x-rays or blood draws may been needed, thanks in abundance for wearing some loose fitting clothing, preferably buttoned or zipped -- make it warm clothing because no one likes to hear you're suffering from frostbite in the building along with your pre-existing malady. Thanks, too, for removing rings, watches, mounds of gold around the neck and stuck through your body -- it's a great help to the service people who must ask you to remove it or work around it, and you know as well as we that we're really not here to discuss your net worth and how many of our paychecks it would take to replace all your ornaments if those disappear.   

       Experience teaches that ambivalance staff have “a lot of explainin' to do” in many questions of public relations, so please extend to them the same courtesies I've heretofore mentioned.
reensure, Sep 13 2002


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