Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Beans on Toast Printer

makes toast and prints a message on it using baked beans
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(+4, -2)
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Beans on Toast Printer is a method of printing a short message on a slice of toast, using baked beans to compose the letters which make up the text.

The machine consists of two components: a toasting section and a texting area. Toasting of the bread is carried out on individual slices as they are held in position like the pages of a manuscript in a conventional typewriter, only in this case it is a pair heating rollers which position and toast the bread. The entire apparatus is orientated in such a way so as the bread remains horizontal at all times, ensuing the bean-message does not simply fall off.

Once toasting is underway, composition of the message can begin. Only a few words may be used, as beans are not exactly the best of units with which to create the typeface.

The beans are delivered to the toast on each stored keystroke via a method similar to that of a mechanical typewriter. Instead of each letter form using ink, these use beans, with the beans being stored in a heated reservoir that forces a continuous supply up a hollow stalk to fill the surface of each letter face before it impacts against the toast. Impacts of each letter deliver a set of beans, creating the simple letter forms.

Once the message is composed, a thin slice of cheese is melted over it to make sure it's sealed in place.

xenzag, Jan 30 2013


       Doesn't the cheese obscure the message text?   

       Anyway the vital question: what kind of cheese?
pocmloc, Jan 30 2013

       thin, semi-transparent cheese....
xenzag, Jan 30 2013

       Cheese on beans on toast? This is heresy! This is an outrage!! Everyone knows that it should be _beans_ on _cheese_ on toast.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 30 2013

       For high-volume printing (as, for example, a beans- on-toast factory), the toasted bread could be impacted with an impacting impactor which created small bean-shaped depressions in the surface. Addition of a layer of beans, followed by vibration of the toast, would then cause beans to occupy the depressions.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 30 2013

       ackshully that's "scrambled egg on cheese on beans on toast"
FlyingToaster, Jan 30 2013

       That, my friend, is a morally and aesthetically wrong combination.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 30 2013

       I ALWAYS melt the cheese OVER my beans on toast! This seals them in nicely. Try it - now all you need do is spell out a few words like FAB and you'll be ordering up the blueprints to build your own Beans on Toast Printer. (currently not available in the shops, but not for long)
xenzag, Jan 30 2013

       //I ALWAYS melt the cheese OVER my beans on toast!// It's talk like that that damn nearly cost us the Empire.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 30 2013

       The melted cheese acts like a type of roofing felt that ensures no bean can move out of position. (this entire conversation is of course lost to those still living in the forlorn reaches of the colonies, where the beans on toast experience is a totally unknown event).
xenzag, Jan 30 2013

       //The melted cheese acts like a type of roofing felt// Let's not get side-tracked into analogies from the building trade here - these are surely red herrings which will set us off on a wild goose chase.   

       The entire raison d'etre of the authentic beans- on-cheese-on-toast format (as distinct from cheese-on-beans-on-toast) is that the layer of cheese protects the underlying toastal material from soggage by the bean juice. Moreover, the mouth feel of beans-on-cheese-on-toast is a perfect symphony of textures: while the tongue is being teased by the roughness of the toast, the mouth roof is taunted by the sultry steaminess of the beans; finally, the yielding texture of the cheese is revealed, resolving the textural chord.   

       Furthermoreover, beans-on-cheese-on-toast is far easier to prepare than cheese-on-beans-on-toast. One toasts the bread, adds a generous skim of butter, layers on the cheese, and replaces it under the grill until the cheese is bubbling and sumptuous. It is then transferred to a plate, whereupon howsoever large a quantity of hot beans are spooned on top, often spilling capriciously over the edge.   

       If you tried to make cheese-on-beans-on-toast, you would find that there is no satisfactory way to grill the cheese without spillage of the underlying beans, unless they are very meagre in quantity.   

       Still, this is taking us away from the original thesis of this idea. Let's just agree that you're wrong and move on.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 30 2013

       // Let's just agree that you're wrong and move on// Let's just agree that you need me to teach you how to make cheese ON beans on toast and then you must move on, as my position is verified. You'll never be the same again. As for buttering the bread.... you never do that! The bread receives the beans in a state of complete nudity of course. Everyone knows that, as verified by independent research. (Rangemaster and Orvil 1953 - Pan versus Batch toasted surface absorbancy characteristics)
xenzag, Jan 31 2013

       You can tell I'm an American, I have never put beans on toast- yuck.
xandram, Jan 31 2013

       What kind of farinaceous substrate is reccomended for this? I'm thinking that a rustic grain- or seed-filled loaf might have a surface too uneven for precision legume placement.
hippo, Jan 31 2013

       //I have never put beans on toast- yuck// How do you know?
xenzag, Jan 31 2013

       // you need me to teach you how to make cheese ON beans on toast//   

       The strange thing is, when someone is so completely wrong as [xenzag], then every piece of evidence against them just serves to convince them that they're right and the victim of a conspiracy.   

       There is some evidence (from the remains unearthed around primitive hearths) that the Neanderthals made cheese ON beans on toast. You will also note that there are very few surviving Neanderthals.   

       The Dutch, I believe, also have a dish called "verbrandbrood onder bonen onder kaas", which is equally corrupt. The very fact that they are Dutch says it all, really.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 31 2013

       [xen] nothing against your idea. It's very cute, but I eat baked beans in bowl with ketchup on them. I know because I don't like soggy toast!
ps- I looked at photos of it as a breakfast food in Great Britain, etc. Some things just differ from place to place, person to person.
I don't like soggy tortillas for breakfast, so when in Mexico, I don't eat those either. Ah - but maybe beans on a tostada printer I'd love.
xandram, Jan 31 2013

       //The strange thing is, when someone is so completely wrong as [Max], then every piece of evidence against them just serves to convince them that they're right and the victim of a conspiracy.// Don't worry.... slow learners require a patient teacher, and I have infinite patience, especially when it comes to melting cheese. Ha!
xenzag, Jan 31 2013

       Google hits for "beans on cheese on toast" (with the quotes): 23,400.   

       Google hits for ""beans under cheese on toast" (with the quotes): 0
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 31 2013

       You people are impossible. Or at least highly improbable.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 31 2013

       "beans under cheese on toast" is a different recipe altogether.
- heat beans
- toast bread
- lay cheese onto toasted bread, cut into triangles.
- serve beans in bowl
- place triangles of cheese-on-toast on top of beans.
pocmloc, Jan 31 2013

       //Google hits for.....// ha - so what does that tell you? That you're just another one of google's sheep, and my recipe is unique! bahahaaaaaaaa (bet you've secretly tried my version, and now prefer it!)
xenzag, Jan 31 2013

       My own experiments lead me to believe that there is an alternate reality where baked beans is a hamburger topping.
FlyingToaster, Jan 31 2013

       My variation is "Boston" baked beans heated in a bowl, topped with cold cottage cheese, with grilled cheese sandwiches on the side.   

       Of course, there is also bacon. Bacon makes everything better.
whlanteigne, Feb 01 2013

       You guys are giving [xen] such a hard time, I gave him a bun to put his beans on!!
xandram, Feb 01 2013

       one word - marmite
po, Feb 01 2013

       //You guys are giving [xen] such a hard time// ha - terrible sobbing that was keeping neighbours awake comes to a whimpering halt :-)
xenzag, Feb 01 2013

       //one word - marmite   

       Another word. No.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 01 2013

       I love a marmite, cheese and tomato sandwich. The cheese is of course melted OVER the tomatoes and marmite, which has been spread over lightly toasted bread before going under the grill. Yummy yum yum
xenzag, Feb 01 2013

       Marmite - you either hate it or are wrong.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 01 2013

       Ah- another wonder of the world that I have never had the pleasure to try. Somehow the word Marmite sounds like something you put between bricks.
xandram, Feb 04 2013

       Marmite consumptions ensures Mensa membership.
xenzag, Feb 04 2013

       //Marmite consumptions ensures Mensa membership.//   

       Reminds me off moose droppings which are nicknamed "smarten-up pills" in Canada. You keep eating them till you smarten up.   

       //Marmite - you either hate it or are wrong.//   

       As a 20+ year Down-Underer I will eat Marmite (UK/NZ) or Vegemite (Aus) if they are presented to me but if both products disappeared from the face of the earth, I wouldn't mourn.
AusCan531, Feb 05 2013

       ^never tried any of them, but I imagine that advertised on the jar is "Provides the complete weekly requirements of Sodium in every teaspoon !!!"
FlyingToaster, Feb 05 2013

       This doesn't happen particularly often, but I am wholeheartedly with [xenzag] on this one. Only a fool would pass up the chance to melt choose on something, particularly beans.   

       My own personal specification includes a few dashes of Tobasco sauce on the beans, before the cheese layer is administered.   

theleopard, Feb 05 2013

       maple syrup, black pepper and half a drop of liquid hickory smoke (also green peppers, onions, bacon and ground beef).
FlyingToaster, Feb 05 2013

       Is it moose cheese that's called choose?   


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