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Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2023

Yes it's early. Go ahead.
  [vote for,

Putin will withdraw what’s left of his beleaguered troops from Ukraine and hold a news conference saying that he was only kidding and can he please re-enter the world market on friendly terms.

Biden will take memory and awareness courses and start relating everything he says to ice cream. When asked if the price of gasoline will ever come down he’ll respond, “Come on man, it’s an unugamoogatube. Uh, two scoops!”

Gavin Newsom, having won another term and to set a good example for other governors and people in general will purchase a $10M mansion, ostensibly for his kids.

England will enact legislation on eggs, to be sold only to nearsighted persons with middle-of-the-road politics.

In an effort to unite Congress AOC will require that members wear the other party’s political colors for 6 months and to end every statement with “I am [name of mortal enemy from across the aisle] and I approve this message.”

Having realized financial gains from midterm coverage the media will instate quarter- eighth- and sixteenth-term elections.

Having realized huge profits from Black Friday and Cyber Monday retail establishments will add Second Chance Tuesday, I-Was-Too-Busy Wednesday, Scratch And Dent Thursday and Rust And Rubble Saturday events.

whatrock, Nov 10 2022

Gallagher https://www.cnn.com...mic-dead/index.html
[a1, Nov 11 2022]

Okay, maybe phrenology just needs an update. https://www.youtube...watch?v=FXai8wKEqCU
[doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022]

Looks like ACME got out of the anvil business. https://acme.com/
[doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022]

It was a good run. https://uselessinfo...912-acme-anvils-ad/
Yes, there was actually an ACME anvil company. [doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022, last modified Nov 13 2022]

Heroin will be sold in grocery stores -xandram https://www.busines...at-prove-it-2011-11
Again? [a1, Nov 12 2022]

The mostly accurate physics of the Roadrunner cartoons. https://www.youtube...watch?v=e7K1SgywkiI
See if you can guess what's gonna happen at each step. [doctorremulac3, Nov 13 2022]

If this gets away from the lab... https://phys.org/ne...-fungi-plastic.html
it's coming for your plumbing and wiring! [Sgt Teacup, Apr 15 2023]


       Trump will pull out of the 2024 race, but be overheard, in one of his rants, screaming, "who the hell is this xenzag person???"
theircompetitor, Nov 10 2022

       Trump will lay an egg in public that will roll out from the bottom of one of his trouser legs, and hatch out to reveal a miniature Rudy Guiliani figure running around covered with feathers.
xenzag, Nov 10 2022

       Trump is finished. No one needs worry about him again. Removing top secret documents then using them to make paper planes will be his ultimate undoing. The world is a safer place now that his bubble has finally burst, after the recent elections and America is no longer the laughing stock of the entire world - that baton has been passed to brexit UK.
xenzag, Nov 10 2022

       // ... America is no longer the laughing stock of the entire world - that baton has been passed to brexit UK. //   

       Don't underestimate the power of stupid people in great numbers. The USA could be taking it back any day now.
a1, Nov 10 2022

       // ... America is no longer the laughing stock of the entire world - that baton has been passed to brexit UK. //   

       Don't flatter yourself on the supremacy of the US in everything they attempt, they never held the top spot there.
Skewed, Nov 11 2022

       [Jutta] will unveil the HB's new "AutoAnagram" feature whereby about 10 seconds after posting, all the letters in any idea or submission gradually swap places until they create a sensible idea or post.
pocmloc, Nov 11 2022

       [Voice's anti anti Trump rant.]
Voice, Nov 11 2022

       New legislation will be vetoed in the US recognizing that the possession of a penis will no longer inherently deny a person due process. Pooh Bear will achieve harmony in Hong Kong via a large number of harmonious strokes to the bodies of dissenters with a harmony stick. Winter will take one look at Earth and decide to visit Mars this year.
Voice, Nov 11 2022

       //Trump is finished. No one needs worry about him again.//   

       But we’ll still have to hear Trump obsessed rants, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over….
doctorremulac3, Nov 11 2022

       The recently late Gallagher’s funeral will be delayed until New Year’s Day 2023, while morticians prepare the body. Then his embalmed head will be placed on stage and a robotic Gallagher will smash it with a sledgehammer.   

       Front row audience will be provided with raincoats.
a1, Nov 11 2022

       The US will attempt to make voting illegal for those over fifty.
They will fail.

       Finally bowing to the constant pressure from everyone constantly telling everyone to 'follow the science' the government will instead raise voting age to 25 when the brain is closer to having finished developing.   

       Consequently the lefts support tanks due to the loss of traditionally left leaning younger voters.   

       Trump is elected in a landslide victory in 2024.   

       Much gnashing of teeth and wailing ensues.   

       The price of salt crashes due to the surplus available for extraction from tears.   

       [xenzag] sells his Tessler to finance his ticket on Musk's first Mars colony rocket and makes good on his 2023 promise to leave the world and go live somewhere else if Trump wins again.   

       There is much celebrating in the bakery.   

       Due to a lack of financial incentive to actually extract it brought about by the low price the concentration of salt in the oceans peaks from all the tears flowing into it causing widespread decimation of fish stocks, coupled with the the salt poisoning of agricultural land as the tears flow to the sea mass starvation ensues and fighting breaks out over the last remaining pockets of usable US farmland ending in the release of the worlds remaining nuclear stockpiles as the US battles to secure salt free farmland on other continents.   

       Nuclear winter ensues.   

       On Earth humanity dies.   

       On Mars [xenzag] gets the last laugh.   

       [Bugger! didn't see that one coming, stream of consciousness got away from me there]   

       Trump having escaped Earth on Musk's last Mars colony rocket arrives on Mars.   

       [xenzag] stops laughing and descends into a terminal sulk.   

       Trump is inaugurated as emperor of Mars, much to [xenzags] further annoyance.   

       Musk is inaugurated as vice emperor .. in charge of casinos, brothels and Dutch style 'coffee' shops.   

       Balance is restored and all is well with the world, well, one of them anyway.   

       [Whew! that's better, was worried we wouldn't see a happy ending there for a minute]
Skewed, Nov 12 2022

       Elon Musk will buy a major bitcoin transaction site, and require Twitter subscribers to pay in bitcoin fractions. Bitcoin will tank when he then fires half of the transaction site staff and transactions become falsified overnight by an actual prince in Nigeria whose identity was stolen by Devin Nunes' Cow.
RayfordSteele, Nov 12 2022

       Someone will come up with a meme / t-shirt saying:   


       1542: The Earth is the center of the universe.   

       1643: There is a substance, the philosopher’s stone, that's capable of turning base metals like mercury into gold. (As believed by idiots like Isaac Newton)   

       1700: Depleting phlogiston will put out a fire.   

       1715: Luminiferous aether is the medium necessary for the propagation of light.   

       1820: The science of phrenology can determine character and intelligence because bumps on the head are indicative of individual temperaments.
doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022

       Well the last one makes sense. A bunch of bumps indicates a proclivity to do dumb things like walk under pianos hanging from cranes and in anvil weight testing areas.
RayfordSteele, Nov 12 2022

       We may be assuming consequence as cause there [Ray] .. bumps on the head can be indicative of a swift blow with a blunt object which can be a cause of brain damage, leading the individual to do dumb things.
Skewed, Nov 12 2022

       Who's to say when those bumps were phrenologized? And people can be dumb even before having a dumbell dropped on their noggin.
RayfordSteele, Nov 12 2022

       Good point, before we write off bumps on the head we might want to find out where they came from.
doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022

       [Whistles nonchalantly while gazing at the ceiling]   

       [Surreptitiously nudges a large hammery thing under the sofa with his toe]   

       What bumps would that be?   

       [Pretends to have only just noticed [xenzag] sprawled across the sofa]   

       Oh! those bumps, didn't see him there, no idea, must have already had them when I got here I'm sure.   

       [Sidles towards the door]   

       Well, I really must be off, say hi for me when he wakes up, I'm sure hell be fine.   

       [Dashes outside and disappears]
Skewed, Nov 12 2022

       The bumps on my skull are just from an un-anchored hockey net.
I swear.

       That those two sentences are completely unrelated is of no consequence...   

       Desertification will continue in the western US as the snow-pack for this year will hit historic lows and require shipping water in by camel caravans wearing loaded diapers.   

       A minor figure in the Royal family will declare themselves to be Amish, and consequently their waitstaff will have to resort to candlelights, chamber pots, carriages. and 56k dial-up modems to a forgotten BBS running on a token ring.
RayfordSteele, Nov 12 2022

       Heroin will be sold in grocery stores.
xandram, Nov 12 2022

       I hit myself on the head with an anvil the other day
pocmloc, Nov 12 2022

       Was it an ACME brand? They'll do that.
doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022

       No it was a fairly small anvil. I was holding it at head height but I let go with one hand which was the mistake.   

       Remember friends, whenever you are holding an anvil at head height, keep both hands on it.
pocmloc, Nov 12 2022

       Or, alternatively, just hold your head at head height instead of ducking it under the anvil.   


       Why was your head below an anvil held at head height? .. you were inspecting for dust? .. [Ponders] .. is there something we should know about (your?) non-standard morphology?
Skewed, Nov 12 2022

       //No it was a fairly small anvil. I was holding it at head height but I let go with one hand which was the mistake.//   

       Did the roadrunner get away?
doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022

       ^ ...again?!
Sgt Teacup, Nov 13 2022

       Wanna have some fun? No? Check out the link anyway, but say in your mind what's gonna happen at each step of the Wile E's plan. I got 2 of the 4 events.
doctorremulac3, Nov 13 2022

       California will abolish all non-renewable fuels and shut down all similarly fueled power plants because they are icky and gross. The subsequent ongoing blackouts will be blamed on Trump, Neo-Nazis, and greedy politicians (not their own). Gold will be collected and melted to cast a Joe Biden effigy which their population will pray to. Nothing will happen. Crowdfunding will raise $2.8B towards Renewable Green EcoMagic Power By Gavin Who Loves Us. Nothing will happen.
whatrock, Dec 16 2022

       And lowly middle and lower class worker's polluting cars will be collected and melted down to create private jets for our glorious climate warrior elites so they can spread the gospel without having to rub elbows with the hated proles on commercial airlines.
doctorremulac3, Dec 16 2022

       Apple buys Tesla Motors.   

       Maybe not so idiotic, though it might only go as far as forcing out Elon. Inspired by news reported elsewhere:   

       KoGuan Leo, the third-largest individual shareholder of Tesla, is calling for Elon Musk to step down as much of his attention is focused on Twitter lately. Leo proposed Tesla’s board appoint a professional manager, someone similar to Apple CEO Tim Cook, as Musk’s replacement.   

       “Tesla is 19 years old, ranked 4th with 2.4 percent allocation in S&P,” he said in another tweet. “Elon was the proud father, Tesla has grown up. An executioner, Tim Cook-like is needed, not Elon.”
a1, Dec 16 2022

       Dolly the sheep will be bred with Shaun the sheep to create a new biological / digital cartoon hybrid that grows fuzzy logic-based AI-created movies. The first movie produced by WoolAI will be panned by prior-generation artificial intelligence as 'too lifelike and therefore disrespectful of emerging AI culture.' Deep Blue will have no comment.   

       Russia will seek to buy munitions from China through cryptocurrency.   

       Banksy will paint a graphic of Elon Musk muskerbating, snap a photo of it, paint over it, then sell it as an NFT and use the proceeds to buy Truth Social,which consequently becomes a liberal hotbed after Twitter melts into a puddle of internet goo.
RayfordSteele, Dec 17 2022

       that Russia China thing already happened most likely, Ray.
theircompetitor, Dec 19 2022

       Musk buys the Bakery, and names jutta CFO. hahahaha.   

       Nice day job. She's got herself a lot to do in 2023. All that cash coming in...
blissmiss, Dec 21 2022

       A ridiculous prediciton [blissmiss]. Elon hasn't got that much money.
pocmloc, Dec 21 2022

       Change the title: remove "v0.9".
Voice, Dec 24 2022

whatrock, Dec 26 2022

       Thank you
Voice, Dec 26 2022

       The Great Pacific Garbage Patch and India’s Garbage Mountain achieve critical mass, disrupting the Jet Stream causing world-wide weather schizophrenia. Hilarity ensues. News outlets alternate between panic and absurdity, suggesting that people leaving the house should carry a 72-hour bug-out bag and dress in all-weather layers including, where possible, warm woolly socks, bathing suit, face mask, medical gloves and condom.   

       World-wide, people lose their sense of smell, feel tingly and have a sense of foreboding. Discovered to be related to the amount of ozone in the atmosphere, it’s an early-warning system which no one realized and everyone ignored. Roving bands of schizophrenic thunderstorms ooze ozone and electricity in all the wrong places at all the wrong times, and the whole Earth, being an electromagnet, is stood on its head; magnetic poles flip, planes refuse to fly.   

       It is discovered that anemic people are immune to magnetic pole shift effects, and so are uniquely placed to help manage, reclaim and repair the damage, organizing via semaphore and landlines. Coincidentally, most of these people are women and people with lupus, RA, Crohn’s, and sickle cell, who have been saying “No” for years, and now get to say “I told you so”, followed by “Listen up, here’s what we’re going to do”. They will work slowly and carefully, with lots of nutrition breaks and naps. Since 99% of women and people of colour continue to be invisible to Hollywood and society at large, the Anemic Army will be able to work secretly in plain sight, and no one will see them coming.   

       Nasty, ill-tempered, badly-behaved world leaders will be stood in the corner with a silly hat on, and told to sort paperclips. Cannibal corporations are sent to bed without dinner. Monopolies do not pass ‘Go’ and no longer get 200 trillion dollars of taxpayer-backed securities. Slowly, with sudden punctuated drops, the inflated ‘economy’ will settle, due to universal adoption of a creative Maker Fix-It mentality. Volcanoes incinerate and earthquakes subsume the more egregious polluters. A new form of bacteriofungi is discovered eating discarded styrofoam peanuts, plastics and electronics, while excreting crude oil and discrete packets of precious rare-earth metals.   

       We will know the AA is successful when nothing happens—no WW3, no Plague Inc outbreak, no new damage.
Sgt Teacup, Dec 28 2022

       The military's routine insider threat training will include a sidebar about Jack Teixeira, right along with Ana Montez (my personal fave) and the others.   

       Seriously. Might not be until the 2024 edition though.
a1, Apr 14 2023

       Well, I was right about winter
Voice, Apr 15 2023

       And--frighteningly fraught for all of our plastic 'forever' components--I was right about the plastic-eating bacteriofungi.
Sgt Teacup, Apr 15 2023

       Because of internet dog videos, "motherfluffer" will become the world's most common term of abuse.   

       Ten years later, everyone will have forgotten where it came from; folk etymologies will start to circulate, attributing it to someone from the Olden Days such as Gilgamesh or Elton John.   

       Elton John will happily confirm these stories.
pertinax, Apr 20 2023

       From a blue-checked Twitter account, so will Gilgamesh.
pertinax, Apr 20 2023


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