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Blatantly Idiotic Predictions for 2018

Someone will post a B.I.P for 2019 sometime in late December...
  [vote for,

MaxwellBuchanan will be revealed to be one half of a split- personality, the other half being JesusHChrist.

Ian Tindale will be nominated for the Nobel Prize in Philosophy for discovering that 42 is in fact, the final repeating digits of pi. Mathematicians everywhere will unionize and revolt against the newfound revelation.

hippo will become the first halfbaker to dive in Challenger Deep, and find a sign there stating 'Kilroy was here.'

The Borg will assimilate the feline species, which will drive 8thof7 into a pitifully-mad rage of self-loathing when he is overcome by a desire to lick his hands.

I will find a job again, lose it, regain it, and repeat this cycle faster and faster until I approach a quantum state of simultaneous employment and unemployment, determinable only by probability and a slit experiment by Vernon.

President Pence will continue the 3:00 am tweet tradition and inadvertently reveal himself to be Flash Gordon' evil twin.

RayfordSteele, Dec 08 2017

Star Trek by Tarantino https://www.inverse...&utm_medium=inverse
[theircompetitor, Dec 22 2017]


       Scientists will prove conclusively that Global Warming is indeed anthropogenic, and is caused entirely by windmills, solar panels, catalytic converters, eating a vegetarian diet, and riding bicycles while wearing garments made from lycra.   

       Reassuringly, it will be discovered that the effects can quickly be reversed by fracking, cutting down trees, burning coal, ensuring high levels of lead, phosphorus, mercury and aromatic hydrocarbons are present in all vehicle fuels, and consuming bacon sandwiches.   

       A massive environmental cleanup programme is needed to deal with the biological residue left behind when these facts become public, killing millions of beardie-wierdie tree-hugging prius-driving guardian-reading envirofascsts by causing their little pointy heads to explode.   

       Jeremy Clarkson will be acclaimed as a God.
8th of 7, Dec 09 2017

       God will be shown not to exist, thereby killing two birds with one stone.   

       Revised measurements will reveal that [MaxwellBuchanan] is, at most, 0.265 of a personality rather than half.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 09 2017

       // Clarkson will be acclaimed as a God //   

       You were paying attention to the title right?   

       // Blatantly Idiotic Predictions for 2018 //   

       Because that one actually seems (remotely) possible ... I'm pretty sure he's already acclaimed himself as God, how many does he need before it's official?
Skewed, Dec 09 2017

       Scientists finally find proof that [po] and [Awol] are mutual antiparticles, thus explaining why they should never meet... {and, curiously, why Trump's UK visit to meet HM QEII was postponed.}
Dub, Dec 09 2017

       // how many does he need before it's official? //   

       Think about it. It's a done deal; his initials are "J.C.", and he's part of the Holy Trinity, along with Captain Slow and The Hamster.   

       Communion's going to be hilarious.
8th of 7, Dec 09 2017

       On 11 November 2018, the french will express sincere and genuine thanks to the Anglo-Saxon nations for rescuing them in the two World Wars of the 20th century.   

       There will follow a massive epidemic of pressure sores, eye infections, sore throats and tetraplegia, as across the world millions of British, Americans, Canadians, Indians, Australians and New Zealanders are paralyzed by the shock and can do nothing but sit in chairs, with eyes wide and unblinking, and mouths open, barely able to breathe as they struggle to comprehend the surreal and incomprehensible fact that the french can possibly evn pretend* to show gratitude.   

       *The idea that the french might really be grateful will not occur to anyone, since it is manifestly impossible.
8th of 7, Dec 11 2017

       In the late forties and early fifties, there was a lot of quite genuine gratitude in France. My late mother encountered it in rural Normandy. I suspect you get a false impression if you pay too much attention to the Paris elite, who had obvious reasons for being sulky.   

       Actually, it's not just in the forties and fifties; I think I saw a quite recent story of an Australian visiting war graves in France, who was served on the house in a local cafe, on grounds of pre- payment by the boys in the ground down the road.   

       Come on borg, give a bit of credit where it's due.
pertinax, Dec 11 2017

       Normandy. The clue's in the name. Normandy comes from "Northmen"; Normandy was colonized by Scandinavians - "Vikings" - not french. They displaced or enslaved the native gauls.   

       So yes, the Normans were, and are, immensely grateful, despite the tremendous damage done to many of their towns and villages, and the loss of civilian life, because they witnessed first hand the efforts and sacrifice that the Allies made on their behalf ... and they're not french.   

       Likewise, in Belgium, the inhabitants are tremendously respectful and grateful. That's probably the Dutch-Flemish bloodline manifesting itself.   

       As you point out, it's those malodorous gits in paris that are the problem.
8th of 7, Dec 11 2017

       //Normandy comes from "Northmen";// - nonsense! Normandy was first ruled by, and took its name from, King Norman and King Andrew, the first ever same-sex job-share monarchy.
hippo, Dec 11 2017

       [Ian Tindale] will be hunted down by a mob, tarred and feathered, then hung by his balls from a sour apple tree.   

       Tourism in Newham will quadruple ovenight, as appreciative halfbakers visit from all over your planet, and queue patiently for hours for the chance to climb up the steps to the viewing platform to watch him drying slowly in the breeze.
8th of 7, Dec 11 2017

       //They displaced or enslaved the native gauls.//   

       Unconvincing; why, in that case, would the Normans have arrived in England speaking French with a funny nordic accent, rather than Norse with a funny french accent?
pertinax, Dec 11 2017

       //hunted down by a mob//   

       Leave that apple tree alone. It's listed.   

       Apple tree, sour (1).   

pertinax, Dec 11 2017

       Any tree will do, as long as it's tall an strong enough. It's simply that an apple tree is part of the tradition, like pumpkins at Halloween, or massive family rows at Christmas...
8th of 7, Dec 11 2017

       Quentin Tarantino will reboot the Star Trek franchise, where he will also play McCoy, using the famous "A Piece of the Action" episode as source material. The "Mr. Pink Shirt, Mr. Red Shirt, Mr. Yellow Shirt" scene following an ambush of the away team, coupled with the disqualification of all other Best Director candidates due to sexual harassment allegations, will finally bring him the coveted Best Picture and Best Director Oscars.
theircompetitor, Dec 11 2017

       Sadly, however, his reprise of the infamous "Dead Nigger Storage" rant from Pulp Fiction, played opposite Lt. Uhura, will result in his being burnt at the stake by an angry mob of white, middle-class liberals armed with agricultural hand tools and flaming torches.
8th of 7, Dec 11 2017

       [IanTindale] will get a job. [8th] will get a kitten. [bigs] will rediscover the joys of tobacco. Surprisingly, at least one of those things will turn out well.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 11 2017

       The new US tax law will set everyone's rate to 5%, while simultaneously requiring that such taxes be paid in Bitcoin. The resulting crypto-currency rise wipes out the deficit and leads to the rise of the Cryptea Party.
theircompetitor, Dec 11 2017

       //Any tree will do,//   

       Yes, but the bureaucratic obstruction buys enough time for the relevant testicles to escape unembosked.   

       You see, I've been learning from masters of the art. For more than a year now, I've been working on a farrago of projects at a large, public-sector organisation with everything outsourced, but especially responsibility. Eighth Dan masters of obfuscjitsu, they are. Kafka was an optimist.
pertinax, Dec 12 2017

       Really ? How odd... we had previously been informed that he was a Bohemian, from Prague. Wikipedia must be wrong.   

       Presumably his parents were Optimists, then, because there's a plaque on the house in Prague where he was born.
8th of 7, Dec 12 2017

       No, Staré Mesto, shirley ?   


       // at least one of those things will turn out well. //   

       ... but not for the kitten.
8th of 7, Dec 12 2017

       ... or it might just be the wrong sort of beer.
8th of 7, Dec 14 2017

       The technological singularity will be achieved. No one will notice.
Voice, Dec 15 2017

       Extraterrestrial life forms will reveal that they have been present on your planet for over 5000 of your Earth years, using your behavior as the basis of a highly popular reality-TV comedy clip show broadcast across the Galaxy.   

       This will be met with total indifference by almost every human*, who will be so absorbed in pointless petty squabbling that they'll be utterly uninterested** that everything they think of as " history " is available as a complete full-colour 3D free download.   

       The exception will be Richard Branson, who will claim, and receive, staggeringly huge royalties, merely because he's the only one who bothered to ask for them.   

       *except the ones that are convinced that JFK was shot by KGB agents.   

       **The Borg will receive a prestigious award for understanding the difference between "disinterested" and "uninterested".
8th of 7, Dec 15 2017

       No, [IT], that's elephants. Oranges aren't the only shade of elephants.   

       More often, they shelter under acacia trees.
8th of 7, Dec 16 2017

       So, if that's where we can find the oranges, presumably the elephants hang around in rooms.
Ling, Dec 16 2017

       Only those rooms equipped with a properly designed, manufactured and installed elephant hanger.   

       It is essential to use such a hanger; if you just hang your elephant on a nail, the shoulders get pulled out of shape, particularly if the elephant has heavy items in the pockets. Then, you have to pay for it to be professionally ironed and pressed, unless if course you're the slovenly type who takes no pride in their appearance and is happy to wander round with a crumpled, wrinkly elephant.
8th of 7, Dec 23 2017

       Big Narstie will be offered a job reading the six o'clock BBC evening news.
po, Dec 31 2017

       Prince Harry and Meaghan (?) Marcle will take over as full time presenters of BBC Radio 4's "Today" programme.   

       John Humphreys will be killed in single combat against Jeremy Paxman, after telling him " If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine ".   

       He will subsequently become more powerful than Jeremy Paxman can possibly imagine.   

       Later, Harry and Meaghan (?) discover they are actually brother and sister.   

       James Naughtie will turn out to be a diminutive 800 year old green-skinned alien, masquerading as a diminutive 800 year old green-skinned scotchman.   

       Prince Charles will admit that Camilla is in fact a Wookie having a Very Very Bad Hair Day, and they are really Just Good Friends. He will subsequently turn up at Stonehenge on the next Summer Solstice, dressed in Jedi robes, and tell a press conference "These aren't the Druids you're looking for".   

       Jeremy Clarkson will succeed in making the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. James May will snort derisively. Amazon Prime will announce plans for a spaceborne battle station the size of a small moon. Grand Moff Hammond will announce that he has no further territorial ambitions in this quadrant, but considers that fear will keep the local systems in line. Jeremy Paxman will warn him not to be too proud of this technological terror he's constructed. James May will snort derisively, but with a slighty different inflection.   

       Harry will fly his helicopter up Victoria Street below the level of the buildings, and to everyone's amazement manage to hit the ray-shielded secondary exhaust port just below the main port of Labour Party HQ with a proton torpedo. Unfortunately, Jeremy Corbyn will escape, disguised as an ewok.   

       Later, it will be revealed that Jeremy Corbyn is, in fact, an actual ewok.
8th of 7, Dec 31 2017

       OK, we're here. Now what?
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 31 2017

       Now we screenshot these to see if any don't come true.   

       And we work on 2019...
RayfordSteele, Dec 31 2017

       By 2019, all unskilled jobs will be taken by robots.   

       This means you, halfbakers ....
8th of 7, Dec 31 2017

       Now hold on, I look nothing like a robot, and I don't even want to take an unskilled labor job.
RayfordSteele, Dec 31 2017

       [Ian Tindale] will be discovered to be an algorithm. This news will be broken to him, causing him to reassess his views on the rise of artificial intelligence. In a twist of fate, the Halfbakery will turn out to be a person imagining all this stuff.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 02 2018

       [po] finds the hb like button.
po, Jan 05 2018

       The Don finds the NK "hate" button.   

       He presses it.   

       NK is vaporized.   

       There is much rejoicing ....
8th of 7, Jan 05 2018

       [Ian Tindale] fails the three-ring test.   

       And there is much rejoicing ...
8th of 7, Feb 22 2018

       I usually let it ring at least three times. But I don’t usually leave a message.   

       The halfbakery gun debate will end on 12/31/2018 with dre3 agreeing that all weapons more dangerous than steak cutlery would be melted into one huge statue of Hillary Clinton.
RayfordSteele, Feb 22 2018

       In a surprise move the offices of Pope & Caliph will be merged ending a centuries long schism between the two religions.   

       Subsequent Events:   

       The Pope abdicates in favor Trump who is universally acclaimed CaliPope.   

       To appease any Muslims who might be a little miffed by the sudden (& unexpected) turn of events he appoints Erdogan Holy Roman Emperor.   

       Led by Trump & Erdogan the Christian & Muslim nations combine forces, retake the holy land & exile all Israeli Jews to Scotland (the Scots complain but no one pays them any attention) where they declare a new holy land claiming that due to recently discovered errors in early cartography they just found out about everyone got it wrong before, many are heard to mutter "didn't want that country anyway".   

       Knock-on Effects:   

       The new Israeli Scots expel the natives to A'Chill in the Hebrides, which sinks under the weight & they all drown.   

       New Israel (as it's now called) leaves both the Union & Europe unilaterally.   

       Tensions between New Israel & England rise due to "illegal" settlements that begin to pop up south of the border (the English say they're not legal, the new Scottish Israelis say they are & no one else cares) culminating in a five day war (we didn't even last as long as the Arabs) during which all the English are driven into Wales.   

       The Welsh (having had enough of there unexpected guests) convert en-mass to Judaism having found documents that "prove" they're a lost tribe of Israel & all immigrate to England (now a territory of Scotland.. sorry, "New Israel").   

       Overcrowding (& a potato famine) in Wales causes the English to begin a diaspora around the world, led by the bankers, who are miffed at the loss of their shiny tall buildings in London.   

       New Israel annexes what's left of Wales & the English become a landless nation spread around the world & reviled as unscrupulous bankers (thanks mainly to the unscrupulous bankers who led the diaspora).
Skewed, Mar 07 2018

       // unscrupulous bankers //   

       Tell us about the other sort of bankers, the honest, moral, caring, kindly ones.   

       We know nothing about them, and seek after knowledge.
8th of 7, Mar 07 2018

       //Tell us about the other sort of bankers, the honest, moral, caring, kindly ones.//   

       Their called Mum & Dad (the "bank" of), you might know of them, I certainly do, not entirely sure about honest & moral (I "think" they are, but I couldn't swear to it under oath), but the kindly & caring bit (well.. to me anyway) they have down pat ;p
Skewed, Mar 07 2018

       // you might know of them, //   

       While we are familiar with the term, they seem not to be registered with any financial services regulatory authority. This is a concern.   

       // I certainly do, //   

       You may think so, but we have the gravest doubts that you actually know for certain who your father is unless you can produce the results of an evidential DNA test.   

       Unless, that is, you're from certain notorious geographical areas, in which case your father is definitely your father. And your uncle. And quite possibly your brother...   

       Being privy to the disturbing results of M'Lud Buchanan's own ill-advised and amateurish research, we are not only convinced that his family tree is not in fact any sort of tree but bears a closer resemblance to a cross between a triffid, a venus fly-trap, and a form of mistletoe (a saprophytic parasite) but also sometimes such investigations are best left severely alone.   

       // not entirely sure about honest & moral (I "think" they are, but I couldn't swear to it under oath), //   

       They probably wouldn't either...   

       // but the kindly & caring bit (well.. to me anyway) they have down pat ;p //   

       It's a trick. They're lulling you into a false sense of security.
8th of 7, Mar 07 2018

       Not to be outdone by Cambridge Analytica, the newly formed Oxford Analytica applies big data analysis to Halfbakery database and selling the results to the highest bidder, resulting in a measurable shift in public opinions regarding the value of fish carcasses.
theircompetitor, Mar 20 2018

       As a result, the makers of Vegemite produce Vagina Jam, which is then taken off the market as being too similar for the consumer to tell.   

       Robert Mercer is made to listen to 5 hours of One Direction, waterboarded, tarred, feathered, shot by firing squad, crucified, keel-hauled, placed in an iron maiden for 39 days, and drowned. Steve Bannon is simply forgotten.
RayfordSteele, Mar 20 2018

       5 hours is just beyond the pale.
Voice, Mar 21 2018

       Oxford Analytica actually exists, and has done at least since the early 90s.   

       They do economic analysis and one of their stronger selling points is that they have not yet been shown up, in the public record, as shameless evil pimps. I think they might call that a competitive advantage at the margin.   

       I note that the first item on their homepage is entitled "Cambridge Analytica: No Links". Hilarious.
pertinax, Mar 22 2018

       At some point did these companies grow out of the dying encyclopedia trade? It all makes sense, trying to define our world for us then, too...
RayfordSteele, Mar 22 2018

       The art (or the implication) of keeping one's mouth shut becomes a heady melange of negging and political one- upmanship moving into the US primary election season. T.C. Mits churns out multimedia statements aplenty, and 2018 begins to look like the year "a hush broke out".   

       The peace will be broken by Trump, spun by his apparat, and derided by his opponents as "strong enough to open, but made to keep quiet". Historians will note that the art or practice had no effect on the elections' outcome, but that one or the other position was best regardless who said so last.
reensure, Mar 22 2018

       [xandram] will miss this post for the first time in over 15 years!!
xandram, Apr 01 2018

       We'll miss her back.
pertinax, Apr 01 2018

       As a result of gratuitous churning, this thread will return to the top of the "recent" list on 1 December 2018, thus reminding [IanTindale] that it's time for him to post "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions for 2019".
8th of 7, Dec 01 2018

       Erm, where's Blatantly Idiotic Predictions for 2019?
Dub, Oct 21 2019

       Sadly, as a consequence of [IT]'s departure and the resultant"swiss cheese" the majority of the "Blatantly Idiotic" predictions have been lost.
8th of 7, Oct 21 2019

       The wayback machine still lives...
RayfordSteele, Oct 21 2019


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