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Boring English Adapter

Converts dull and badly written texts into lively and witty masterpieces.
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Basically a computer program that scans the text altering grammar and word choice to make it more exiting. This invention would allow people to read difficult, jargon heavy articles and expand their knowledge in many areas.

This program can also be used to spice up the your own boring writing, making you appear more witty and intelligent than you really are.

Eggplant, Sep 09 2009

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       I'd suggest that some of the most boring text I've read has been generated by computers. See Hallmark cards for examples (I assume that these are computer generated, as no human could generate such tat without experiencing an overwhelming urge to terminate themselves).   

       Nice idea, but the technology probably limits function to correcting grammar and replacing jargon with more commonly understood words.
Twizz, Sep 09 2009
  

       I'd agree on both points. Maybe the program could contain a massive database of classic literature, as well as linking to the internet to grab more modern examples of clever English. With all that information it might be more effective.
Eggplant, Sep 09 2009
  

       If you want to make your literature more exiting, throw it out the window.
theleopard, Sep 09 2009
  

       That would only be exiting if it hit someone...
Eggplant, Sep 09 2009
  

       ... while it *left the building*.
Jinbish, Sep 09 2009
  

       Don't forget to print it in a dramatic font
Dub, Sep 09 2009
  

       I googled Hallmark cards, and the first thing i came by was: 'Happiness is like peeing in your pants - everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's warmth' - which is a lot better than a lot of cards i got sent.   

       About the idea: I guess it is impossible, as it basically would require the computer to understand what the author is trying to say. With a big enough database it might be possible, but one has to take into account the differing receptions a piece of language can have: There are actual buyers for even the worst cards. Possibly a database comprising the global taste might not serve to betterify language.
loonquawl, Sep 10 2009
  

       exiting, stage left, pursued by a bear
xenzag, Sep 10 2009
  

       what if the B.E.A. can only find a spelling error to banter about without the author ever detecting the irony?.
dentworth, Sep 10 2009
  

       I would venture to suggest, although I wouldn't positively affirm it, that jargon-heavy articles have already been processed in this way by their authors. The usage and application of jargon (or 'argot' as it is sometimes known) is often, but by no means always, used in order to make the subject matter of the text seem rather more mysterious, deep, technical or otherwise interesting than is the case in reality. As this process a) makes reading and understanding the text more difficult and b) represents a form of dishonesty on the part of the author (even if only a minor one), I am compelled to cast my vote in the strongly negative. I therefore humbly offer up the osseous tissue of a gilled, finned, non-tetrapod chordate.
DrBob, Sep 10 2009
  

       I'm exiting.
dentworth, Sep 10 2009
  

       yeah, ironic isn't it.
dentworth, Sep 10 2009
  

       How does it work?
jutta, Sep 11 2009
  

       Not sure really, I was halfway through baking the idea when the boring English I was using to think about it lulled me into a comatose state.
Eggplant, Sep 12 2009
  
      
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