Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Can Openers That Don't Break

Open in moments
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Coming, as I do, from a country so abysmally primitive (Just ask [MaxwellBuchanan], who's never been beyond the gates of his anarchist commune aka university department)... a country so far removed from the great trashpiles of Northern Hemisphere civilisation that food is only available in cans that fall mysteriously from the sky each month, under parachutes.

This being the case, I've decided to do something about the problem of cans that are tough enough to break can openers (which also fall from the aforementioned sky).

The new CATDB (Can Opener That Doesn't Break) is a ballistically-reinforced bucket attached to a 1500 tonne hydraulic press.

Put the can in the device; position the bucket; move to a safe location and press the START button. The can is quickly crushed and its contents are ejected into the bucket, from which they can be retrieved, for consumption.

Works on cans up to 55 US gallons.
Every kitchen should have one.

UnaBubba, Jul 12 2012

How To Hunt Deer http://www.thecoffe...jokes/aaaaabkq.html
So simple when you know how … [8th of 7, Jul 16 2012]


       so I go to the dollar-store and buy a stamped-metal can opener with a punch opener on one of the arms.   

       3 months later it's broken: the wheel doesn't track the rim. So I go to another store and buy another cheap can-opener.   

       Within a week that one's not tracking the rim either. Back to the store and third time's the charm right ?   

       Wrong: this one doesn't work right off the bat. Resisting the urge to go find a cop and end up getting shot for "wielding a dangerous weapon", I put it back in the drawer.   

       It's still got the punch-opener on it which should come in handy. So eventually I have a large juice can to open and apply the punch-opener.   

       The handle, which the punch-opener is on, bends completely in half when applied, leaving the can with a tiny little dent in it. "WTF" doesn't cover it.   

       So now I own a near-industrial grade Swing-Away, bolted to the wall, which cost me $20 ... 25 if you include the scrap pot metal previously purchased.   

       [+] just because you care ;D
FlyingToaster, Jul 12 2012

       I also ended up buying a commercial Swing-Away, [FT]. The usual ones are just useless. Your annotation rant struck a chord.
UnaBubba, Jul 12 2012

       I learned this lesson sime time ago.   

       There's got to be a published theorem somewhere on the futility of buying cheap tools, and the fact that with any given activity, you will *eventially* buy the good, somewhat expensive version, but may well spend many times that cost on cheaper versions before internally justifying the expense of buying the expensive one. False economy, but it seems to be human nature to have to learn the lesson over and over again.   

       Can openers, knives, camping equipment, Automotive accessories, electrical goods, clothing, sunglasses, tools (especially machine tools), sporting equipment etc etc ad nauseum.   

       Apparently the consensus is that swing-away is a good brand (or design, or model or whatever they are). So, let's all buy good can openers.
Custardguts, Jul 12 2012

       That's why I invented one here that opens all cans, whether they like it or not.
UnaBubba, Jul 12 2012

       I'll take an exception for sunglasses. I never buy expensive sunglasses, as the time period between purchasing and misplacing them is constrained by a law of nature to be under 8 months.   

       Have you tried building a landing strip and radio out of straw and performing some marching drills to attract more food?
RayfordSteele, Jul 13 2012

       Likewise, cheap nail clippers just annoy. So last year I bought some nail clippers in Tokyo. They're made from high-grade stainless steel, are amazingly sharp and collect the clipped bits of nail as you use them. They were expensive and the normal kind sort of work OK, but these are just a joy to use.
hippo, Jul 13 2012

       The really depressing thing is that the difference in the manufacturing costs of a nearly useless piece of crap, and a simple but well-made can opener that would open thousands of cans without skipping a beat, is prolly like fifty cents. But someone, somewhere, has done the maths and decided that the piece of crap is profitable.
spidermother, Jul 13 2012

       [+] for the idea and the following annos! esp. [RayfordSteele]'s because I usually drop my sunglasses in a lake, crush them with something or just lose them! But real tools are always worth the extra money! (I'm a tool girl!)<b> I have my own tools which I mark with a dot of pink nailpolish, so guys won't take them on me and put them in THEIR toolboxes!!
xandram, Jul 13 2012

       //Coming, as I do,//   

       You left your clause open, [Ubie].   

       I didn't realize we were airdropping food to you guys; I always assumed you just ate the sheep after you'd finished with it.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 13 2012

       You'd need to talk to the people dropping the cans about that, [21Q]. We've no idea who to call.
UnaBubba, Jul 13 2012

       You have phones now??
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 13 2012

       I have a drawer full of P-38 can openers. Use them once and throw them away.
DIYMatt, Jul 13 2012

       Victorinox Swiss Army Knife ? Currently, 17 years service, no other can opener used, still 100% functional, no degradation.   

       // We've no idea who to call //   

       Ghostbusters ?   

       // collect the clipped bits of nail as you use them //   

       Hmmmm.... there's a thought.
8th of 7, Jul 13 2012

       The company isn't in the business of opening your cans, it's in the business of making as much of your money as possible. A company that makes a high quality product that people only need one of often goes out of business for lack of repeat customers. Sad but true.
Voice, Jul 14 2012

       Even though that seems to make sense, it might be a fallacy in some respects: how many companies has that actually happened to ?   

       I wonder if that could be the dark side of recycling ?
FlyingToaster, Jul 14 2012

       I have an interest in a shoe business. Our customer is expected to throw away the shoes they buy within six months of purchase and buy new ones.
UnaBubba, Jul 16 2012

       ...Which is a pretty succinct summary of what's wrong with the modern consumerist market.
Custardguts, Jul 16 2012

       I'm a terrible customer. The shoes I'm wearing have been rebuilt a few times and are 17 years old.
UnaBubba, Jul 16 2012

       Sounds like maybe you do have an Immortal Sole after all. Quelle Surprise …
8th of 7, Jul 16 2012

       The uppers persist, but soles they come and they wear down and soon no sole, time for a new sole.
neelandan, Jul 16 2012

       Be ye a soothsayer, or merely a mender of lost soles?
UnaBubba, Jul 16 2012

       "Beware the Eyelets of March …"
8th of 7, Jul 16 2012

       The can opener on my Leatherman has never failed me...
mitxela, Jul 16 2012

       // Leatherman //   

       Respect ...
8th of 7, Jul 16 2012

       Gerber makes a better leatherman than Leatherman. They also made (or utilized) famously unopenable cans for a time.   

       I'd probably post some brag here about how not everyone has my skill with an angle grinder, but the truth is that I wouldn't attempt something so foolish, and at any rate we have one of those 'rimless' openers that seems virtually indestructible, despite being constructed largely of plastic. The product itself bears no brand name, but I'll describe it: it has a contoured red-and-black handle that has a vaguely suggestive shape, it grips the can by means of swinging open sideways and closing upon the rim with two little wheels, and it forces the lid open (rather than cutting it) when you work the two-part handle like a bellows, which makes a racheting sound that distresses the dog for no explicable reason. It also features a tiny parrot beak-like device for plucking the lid from the top of the can (which may, if required, be snugly fitted back into place after removal of some of the contents).   

       It is truly a remarkable device, and thus in accordance with the inviolate laws of the Universe, we've never been able to find another like it.
Alterother, Jul 16 2012

       I think it's a great idea, however it has two problems: 1) I don't think my peas would be recognisable after they come out 2) SInce all can openers break, the creation of one that doesn't is provably impossible.
penguin42, Jul 16 2012

       // Since all can openers break, the creation of one that doesn't is provably impossible //   

       That should be phrased, "Since in my experience aall can openers break …"   

       You need to round up some Mathematicians and go hunt deer in the woods …   


       NB The Schrödinger methodology is the most effective, but it's slow…
8th of 7, Jul 16 2012

       I don't think I've ever managed to break a can opener. Is it possible that the things you're trying to open are not, in fact, cans, [Ubie]?
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 16 2012

       Shhhh … the experimental anthropologists will be furious if the Cargo Cult is disrupted … they are desperately keen to get this study done and use it as the basis for their grant funding proposal to study the curious dominance of Meerkats in the British Insurancve Industry …
8th of 7, Jul 16 2012

       Cans are actually self-opening. If you place them directly on the heat without opening them beforehand you will find that after a few minutes they spontaneously reveal their contents.
wagster, Jul 16 2012

       Yup, that's true, that is.
8th of 7, Jul 16 2012

       Spontaneously, that's one word for it...
Alterother, Jul 16 2012

       //Cans are actually self-opening.//   

       If you remove the paper label from the can, and stand the bottom 30% of it in liquid nitrogen for about ten minutes, then play a hairdryer on the lid, you wind up with a can which is cold at the bottom and warm at the top.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 16 2012

       Which describes a lot of my halfbakery ideas.
normzone, Jul 16 2012

       Most of them are marked:   

155MM HEAT-T M456,

       [Max]. So far we haven't managed to open any. I'll post you one, so you can have a go.
UnaBubba, Jul 17 2012

       These cans, now … do they sort of taper towards one end, and have a couple of yellow rings painted round them … ?
8th of 7, Jul 17 2012

       //There's got to be a published theorem somewhere on the futility of buying cheap tools// Terry Prachett's Commander Vimes talks about how rich people are rich because they buy expensive stuff but it lasts forever, like boots.
marklar, Jul 17 2012

       ...I think it went something like "so rich they can live cheaply".   

       This is a truism, but needs a lot of starting capital...
Custardguts, Jul 17 2012

       Yes, the Vimes "Boots" theory of economic inequality.   

       A pair of cheap boots that will last one year costs $x A pair of really good boots costs $5x, but requires that the purchaser has the capital required.   

       After 10 years, the wealthy purchaser has spent $5x on boots, which may be well worn but can be repaired. The impecunious purchaser has spent $10x on boots, and still has wet feet.   

       The same is true of transport; often, users of public transport and taxis end up paying a higher equivalent rate for their travel than car owners.
8th of 7, Jul 17 2012

       Just buy everything at your local restaurant supply. My can opener has extra-long handles, gears, a long crank, and a blade that can be taken out and sharpened. It is a bad mother opener when it comes to cans big and small.
nomocrow, Jul 17 2012


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