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Child Abduction Readiness Testing

Because a fake kidnapping today could prevent a real one tomorrow
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Notwithstanding its relative rarity, child abduction is a fear that weighs heavily on the mind of all parents—just ask any parent who has lost sight of his children for a few minutes in a store if the thought of it didn't enter his mind, however fleetingly. When hearing about stories of children being abducted, parents all tell themselves that THEIR children would know what do if confronted with a kidnapper, while secretly fearing that they might not.

So, as much to alleviate these fears as anything, we're proud to introduce our new "Snatch and Release" service for fretful parents. After an initial consultation (during which all of the appropriate waivers are signed), we go over the possible scenarios and you pick which one you'd like to test your kids on. From the classic "stranger in a car with candy", to the smooth-talking pedophile, or even the simple "grab a kid at the shopping mall and run", YOU pick which one you're most concerned about, and WE make it happen! Afterwards, your child is returned safe and sound, along with a report as to what, if anything, the abductee should have done differently (parents must be available nearby the entire time in order to clear up any "misunderstandings" with the local constabulary). At the very least, if your child wasn't prepared for a kidnapping before, they certainly will be now!

Lifetime of therapy not included.

ytk, Aug 24 2011

Exploding Robot Children Exploding_20Robot_20Children
[rcarty, Aug 25 2011]

The Lion and Albert http://monologues.c...rt_and_the_Lion.htm
There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool ... [8th of 7, Aug 26 2011]


       Child Abduction Readiness Training : "okay have you packed all your stuff ? got enough clean socks ? Here's a list of mommy and daddy's net worth"   

       Not widely known to exist, but a few years back one of the local municipal police forces was doing that: a van would pull up to a child or group and some cop in civs would get out and claim to be a friend of the family and try to talk the kid(s) into taking a ride or "help look for a lost puppy". I kid you not.   

       When I read it I thought it was a Children's Aid Society sting to take children away from the obviously insane parents who had signed on for it.   

       It's a horrible idea [-]
FlyingToaster, Aug 24 2011

       Well, of course it is. But that's what makes it so brilliant!   

       I'm not seriously expecting anyone to bun this. Child abduction by a stranger is so rare that it would be cruel to put a child through something like this in the name of safety. But as a parent, the (tiny) neurotic part of me that wants to protect my kids from all dangers at any cost can sort of see the appeal...
ytk, Aug 24 2011

       Pretty sure this is baked. I remember reading some years back about a "stranger danger" talk being given to a group of cub scouts. After the talk, when the boys were walking home, different "strangers" popped up and did the usual "lost puppy routine" or whatever. A surprisingly large percentage of the kids agreed to go along with the stranger although the test was stopped at that point.   

       A imagine a lot of kids got a good "talking-to" when they got home that night.
AusCan531, Aug 24 2011

       This would be great for any real child abducters. If apprehended by someone they could just say "Don't worry, I'm a child abduction readiness tester".
hippo, Aug 24 2011

       // I'm not seriously expecting anyone to bun this //   

       None the less, we will do so. No child's upbringing is complete without a healthy dose of pointless terror.
8th of 7, Aug 24 2011

       I like this premise as a reality show. People would be absolutely horrified; viewers and ad revenues would pour in. Snooki could get punched. Except really it is all staged; this becomes clear on the final episode. Poor acting on the part of the kids might give away the game too early so we want the Disney class child actors here, not dudes like young Anakin Skywalker.
bungston, Aug 24 2011

       Makese sense to me. I had identical idea few years ago but I never posted it.
ixnaum, Aug 25 2011

       I don't see why this would have to be scary for the child. Once in the custody of the "abductor," the child would be immediately returned to the parents. If the child is willing to go with someone, obviously they aren't too scared.
Alx_xlA, Aug 26 2011

       // If the child is willing to go with someone, obviously they aren't too scared. //   

       Yeah, I guess that's true. I was thinking mostly of the "grab and go" style of kidnapping as being traumatic for the child.   

       Of course, once the child gets older and the realization sets in that they would have gladly wandered off with a murderous pedophile that one time, it might result in some delayed negative psychological effects. So that's another benefit right there.
ytk, Aug 26 2011

       "Abduction, mugging, hijacking...our Jimmy was ready for everything. If only the Bear Attack Readiness Testing had gone more smoothly...."
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 26 2011

       Substitute "Albert" for "Jimmy", and "Lion" for "Bear", and you may have the makings of a classic ...
8th of 7, Aug 26 2011

       This is sort of baked, only for adults; a few years ago I heard about a company in Europe that, for a fee, would arrange to abduct you and pretend to hold you for ransom. It was basically the movie 'The Game,' only in real life. I don't know if they're still doing it. Of course, it would never work here in the USA, Land of Frivolous Litigation*.   

       *It used to be the "Land of the Free," and we tried to change the words in the song so people wouldn't get the wrong idea, but the confusion was generating so much revenue from frivolous lawsuits that we decided to leave it the way it is.
Alterother, Aug 26 2011

       //Poor acting on the part of the kids might give away the game too early so we want the Disney class child actors here, not dudes like young Anakin Skywalker.//   

       You do know that all Star Wars products are owned by Disney... right?   

       OOH! We can have the abductors feed the children milk and cookies while in the rape van, thereby giving them the impression that being abducted is fun! Maybe chaining them to the floor, wearing creepy masks, and threatening to do all sorts of horrible things before returning the child to the parent would be better.
ye_river_xiv, Aug 29 2011


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