Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Coffee, Army, Worse Than

Grind inferior coffee bean scraps and pour water on them.
  (+7, -1)
(+7, -1)
  [vote for,

Coffee, Army, Worse Than... (C.A.W.T.) is a coffee, available to the general public, which is guaranteed to taste worse than your average cup of G.I. Joe.

But why, MikeD would you want such a thing?

Let me explain...

Being a coffee lover, I deployed to this field training environment with 6lbs of Godiva Coffee Grounds of varying flavors. Every morning I would brew a pot of delicious coffee, and enjoy said coffee out of my privately owned porcelain Starbucks brand coffee mug, whilst smoking a cigarette and watching the sun rise over the New Mexican-Mexican border.

This morning however, I ran out of coffee.

I trudged over to the dining facility, blindly thrust my beloved mug under the stop-cock of a plastic mermite and dispensed thereinto what the cooks audaciously proffered as coffee.

I almost spit it out, reflexively.

How did this happen? I had been subsisting off of this foul liquid for 14 years without complaint?

Surely it must be that my pallet had grown accustom to finer grinds. Well, the answer is obvious! I need coffee that taste shittier than the chow-hall variety to rekindle my appreciation for government coffee!

MikeD, Oct 10 2011

"It Makes a Fellow Proud to Be a Soldier" by Tom Lehrer http://www.youtube....watch?v=9-E2_sjIK4E
" ... To think of all the marvelous ways, They're using plastics nowadays ..." [8th of 7, Oct 11 2011]


       This principle could be applied to virtually every food-like substance served to the troops, if the testimony of my veteran friends is anything to go by. G.I. fruitcake is supposed to be especially vile.
Alterother, Oct 10 2011

       The clever solution would be to start a war somewhere where they grow really good coffee beans.
hippo, Oct 10 2011

       I hear Peru's gunning for Colombia these days. Maybe [8th] and I can go down there and touch off a brushfire war so Obama will send [MikeD] in as a peacekeeping force and he can finally get some good java in the mess tent.
Alterother, Oct 10 2011

       You could have eased this transition by cutting your poncey coffee with gradually larger percentages of dining facility coffee, according to the boiled frog principle.
bungston, Oct 10 2011

       Try starting the morning with a cup of mud. Like, actual mud. From near the latrine. [+]
notmarkflynn, Oct 10 2011

       Have you ever has Starbucks Pike Place? They replaced House blend with it. Imagine all of the worst attributes of various coffees rolled into one. Somehow it maneges to be bitter, acidic, orange-peely and burned all at the same time.
DIYMatt, Oct 10 2011

       [alterother] and [hippo], excellent Idea, but give it about 400 days. I'm a little preoccupied right now.   

       I think your idea would work, though. I am currently within eye-shot of Mexico, and the chow-hall has fresh pico de gillo daily.... and it will set your ass on FIRE!
MikeD, Oct 10 2011

       In line with american policy nobody asked and you told.
rcarty, Oct 10 2011

       // I've never been comfortable with Taoist coffee blends //   

       If you think they're weird, try the Buddhist ones. They keep coming around again and again, slightly different each time, until you find the perfect cup.   

       Or you could try the Copenhagen Interpretation blend. It doesn't exist until you try it; when you do, you can say how good it is, or how much you like it, but not both simultaneously.   

       We prefer the Schrödinger blend, where you keep it firmly sealed in an airtight box until you're sure all the radioactivity has decayed, and the cat is definitely dead ...
8th of 7, Oct 10 2011

       "We cannot taste the coffee itself, only the coffee as exposed to our method of tasting. And we need to come up with a new method, because this coffee tastes like shit."
Alterother, Oct 10 2011

       P'raps it's Kopi Luwak.   

       Coffee, Army, Worse than, [MikeD], for the use of.
mouseposture, Oct 10 2011

8th of 7, Oct 11 2011

       //Kopi Luwak//   

       That would fit the criteria of //shittier coffee//...   

       You know, despite it's... er, processing... I have every intent of trying this variety of coffee before the deployment ends.
MikeD, Oct 11 2011

       //starbucks cup//   

       This is like enjoying the finest wine from a paper cup, or selling a diamond in a white plastic bag.
Voice, Oct 11 2011

       In commercial diamond trading, gems are frequently contained in small clear plastic bags with resealable tops, to which tracking labels can be attached.
8th of 7, Oct 11 2011

       What do you have agaisnt my mug, [Voice]?   

       I get a new coffee mug every deployment. The first was a Green Beans 16ozer, the second was a mug with the likeness of the kuwaitee towers, the third is a black starbucks mug. Assuming both it and I survive the fiasco, it will take a place of honor beside the other two.
MikeD, Oct 11 2011

       //dining facility coffee, according to the boiled frog principle.// Won't they be annoyed that you've given away the recipe, [bungston]?
spidermother, Oct 11 2011

       //shittier coffee//   


       (1) Travel to England. (Make sure it's England. There are apparently other bits of the "United Kingdom", but they're really crap).   

       (2) Go to an example of a roadside franchise chain operating under the name of "Little Chef".   

       (3) Purchase "coffee".   

       (4) Taste liquid you are provided with.   

       (5) Perform exact replica of motions performed by Arthur Dent (q.v.) during the act known as "Throwing The Nutri-Matic Cup".   

       (6) (optional, but largely inevitable) Experience uncontrollable projectile vomiting.   

       Problem solved.
8th of 7, Oct 11 2011

       Did that, miraculously survived, bought the T-shirt.
Alterother, Oct 12 2011

       //Throwing the nutri-matic cup//   

       What, crawling into your own ear?
RayfordSteele, Oct 12 2011


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