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Elijah Eye Gloss

Translucent viscous fluid for that heart-rending look of naive despair.
  (+7, -6)
(+7, -6)
  [vote for,

- Are you an actor with Dry Eye Syndrome?
- Trying to get the rest of the day off work by proclaiming sleep deprivation?
- Have you ever pretended to be Indiana Jones and accidentally ripped your parents' chandelier out of the ceiling only to be severely punished for your apparent lack of remorse?
- Are you attempting to woo a girl who is attracted to "sensitive guys" by snuggling up to watch Titanic but you are quite adamant that it is the worst film you have ever had the misfortune of witnessing?

Presenting new Elijah Eye Gloss! Enlarge your eyes for all manner of purposes; Make that special someone love you again! Get out of trouble! Deliver a gut- wrenching stage performance! Safe- guard the ring! Or just plain Skive!

Apply the Elijah Eye Gloss as you would varnish upon nails. Gently paint the eye with our delicate brush, starting from the retina and working your way out. Leaves a long lasting polished sheen that will wow your fellow eye-beholders!

Actual results*:
FACT: "He's so caring! Look how he's so close to tears as he removes those kittens from the microwave."

FACT: "My God Larry! I've never seen a performance of Me and My Girl quite like it! I'm giving you an oscar!"

FACT: "Don't worry about it Sarah, you look shattered. Best go home and have a rest, eh love?"

FACT: "Oh don't cry! It's only a chandelier! We can always buy a new one, but we can't buy a new you..."

*These results are entirely fabricated and should at no point be taken as fact.

(Disclaimer: This product is in no way endorsed by Elijah Wood, nor is he aware of its existence. May cause hair sprouting on feet, stunting growth, uncontrollable lust for jewellery, and, with extended use over time, Golemness.)

theleopard, Oct 12 2006

Kryolan, the make-up of make-up artists. http://www.fxsupply...atalog/special.html
No eye glaze, but they do have something called a 'Menthol Tear Stick', not to mention 'Faux Pus' and 'Faux Mucus', among other things. [zen_tom, Oct 12 2006]


       It's enough to make me weep jellied milk tears.
skinflaps, Oct 12 2006

       Finally, a use for the word nlossom. Welcome to the hb [theleopard]!
zen_tom, Oct 12 2006

       Indeed [tom];
"Jeremy! You don't look nearly weepish enough, go upstairs and nlossom your eyes at once."
theleopard, Oct 12 2006

       I think actors use glycerine tears, which would be very similar to this.
xandram, Oct 12 2006

       And there will always be a seat for you at every Seder.
Galbinus_Caeli, Oct 12 2006

       Can't you just spray yourself with Mace?
DrCurry, Oct 12 2006

       [phlish] Long time since I did Biology I guess... Is it cornea? Basically apply from the pupilly-type black bit in the middle and extend outwards in a spiral motion to aleviate problems with ungainly stripes and cross-hatches that are associated with bad paint jobs.   

       Er... [DrCurry], Mace hurts. All manner of acidic substances or pokey devices can create tears, the idea is to have an eyeball that looks as though it is on the brink of tear expulsion, but never actually expels.   

       Tear manufacture, my friend, is not my business.
theleopard, Oct 12 2006

       So what does this have to do with Elijah Wood or the Old Testament prophet?
discontinuuity, Oct 12 2006

       Elijah Wood? Who is that?
Galbinus_Caeli, Oct 12 2006

       whats wrong with peeling onions?   

       hello theleopard.   

       Faux Pus sounds like a car.
po, Oct 12 2006

       So Passé-o [po].
craigts, Oct 12 2006

       /So what does this have to do with Elijah Wood/   

       Um, maybe the fact that he spent an entire triology carrying an expression of glossy-eyed concern.   

       Good show, [theleopard].
Texticle, Oct 12 2006

       I love it!! I was a bit lost trying to connect this to the biblical Elijah as well at first. But when they make a movie of Fifth Mountain and have Elijah play Elijah... I'm positive that they'll use your spreadable tears for all the almost-killed-by-Jezebel scenes. (+)
ionsfromzion, Oct 13 2006

       I cannot reiterate enough that this product will not induce tears. That's the beauty of it. It's all very well squeezing a lemon in to your eye or shaving your Cornea with a razor blade: tears aplenty. The idea is to create the impression of impending tears, the which has been wonderfully illustrated by [rcarty]'s link...   

       (Please note - Elijah never cries. He's a real man.)   

       ----hello [po]----
theleopard, Oct 13 2006


       I love the expression, "Glossy-eyed concern."
theleopard, Oct 13 2006

       I was beginning to have some glossy eyed concern when we were to paint from the retina out, but thankfully that bit has been corrected. This is brilliant!
dentworth, Sep 18 2009


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