Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Fake Finger Nails

Not for wearing, for nibbling!
  (+6, -3)
(+6, -3)
  [vote for,

Farmer Jones raises chickens. He is by no means a tycoon in the poultry business, but he does alright for himself. He credits his success, largely to his frugality.

Farmer Jones, however, has a problem. Believing every part of the chicken to be useful, he has over a hundred thousand chickens worth of feathers in storage. He can't throw them away, but he doesn't know what to do with them.

Bob is an everyday guy. He lives alone in an apartment. He comes home from a mediocre sales position to watch TV. until it's time for bed.

Bob, however, has a problem. He chews his nails. He doesn’t just bite them, mind you. He chews them into pulp and greedily swallows them down. He chews his fingernails down until they bleed. When he runs out of fingernails he chews his toenails. When he chews those to the quick, he waits impatiently for his body to grow more. It's all he can do.

But fate has conspired to solve these problems, for all of the farmer Jones' and Bobs of the world.

Having come across a seemingly inconsequential piece of trivia, (finger nails and chicken feather being composed of the same protein), MikeD, an enterprising half-inventor, and sympathetic to Bob's plight, strikes and idea.

If large quantities of chicken feathers could be purchased relatively cheaply, they could be bleached, mashed into pulp and baked to harden in fingernail clipping shaped moulds. Thus simultaneously alleviating farmer Jones of his surplus chicken feathers and satiating Bob's nail chewing habit, all while turning a bit of a profit.

MikeD, Jan 13 2009


       ...it's a disgusting habit, but maybe if you made them from chocolate...
xandram, Jan 13 2009

       mmmmm... chocolate chickens... cacao-doodle-doo
FlyingToaster, Jan 13 2009

       I could go as far as chocolate covered fingernails. To test the palatability of this, I will scratch a chocolate bar and then chew on my nails... After they grow back.
MikeD, Jan 13 2009

       I'm convinced you could manufacture fake nails (for nervous biting purposes) out of very crispy bacon.
hippo, Jan 13 2009

       What [cloudnine] said.   

       ...I think it has something to do with the texture...
Eugene, Jan 13 2009

       How many clones would one have to grow concurrently in order to have an ample supply of fingernails to chew on ?
FlyingToaster, Jan 13 2009

       individually packaged bite sized nail-ettes, for scary films at the cinema?   

       seasoned with cheese and onion no doubt?
benfrost, Jan 14 2009

       [FT], are we using the clones for continual production, or are we harvesting thier nails all at once?   

       [benfrost], but do they go well with vagina jam?
MikeD, Jan 14 2009

       [MikeD] I suppose it doesn't matter that much,not like they're going to go bad... not sure you'd need the entire body, just a "vat grown" arm(s) in a bucket(/vat).
FlyingToaster, Jan 14 2009

       Chicken nails.... I like that +
xenzag, Jan 15 2009


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