Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
Quis custodiet the custard?

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Hard Hitting Motivational Media

Impatient readers and bristolz are advised to cut to the chase at the last paragraph.
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Dressed in baseball cap, undershirt and boxers, the man took a swig from the beer can and leaned his burly frame to the left, freeing his butt from the kitchen chair. The resulting thunderclap momentarily drowned out the TV.
“God, Al, not again!” sighed his wife across the table.
“Oops,” said Al, ”Get me some catsup, will you? This shit isn’t half bad. What did you call it?”
“It’s a Thai, marinated, meat dish with satay, dipping sauce,” she repeated patiently, “I found it on the internet…”
“Hey! Will you move your bony ass? You’re blocking my view of the game,” Al barked. His face was getting red and sweat drops formed on his upper lip.

He took another mouthful and was about to empty the beer can when his eyes became suddenly large, staring at the woman, and his jaw went slack. The can fell from his grasp and he uttered choking sounds as he reached for his neck. She sat calmly observing him as he raised himself in a panic. Rounding the chair, he threw himself onto its back in a Heimlich maneuver attempt. A particle shot out of his mouth and hit the sink. Coughing violently, Al picked up the bean-sized morsel and sat down to examine it.
“Damn! What the hell did you put in this foreign crap?” he croaked.
“Let’s see,” she listed, “there was curry, coconut milk, sugar and that was probably part of the ground peanuts.”
“Jesus, Peggy Lee, you know I’m allergic to peanuts. This food could kill me.” As his windpipe swelled, his breathing became more difficult and he hissed, “Quick, get my allergy medicine, the Epinephrine.”

But Peggy Lee with a serene look, stayed seated and pointed out, ”The medicine’s not here. You left it at Sharlene’s place.”
“What?” he squeaked, “You know Sharlene? She called here?”
“That’s right Al. She was worried and then she broke down and told me all about your affair that’s been going on for the last six months…I thought about just serving you road kill, but you couldn’t imagine all the recipes there are with peanuts, peanuts with yogurt, peanuts with chili…” But fighting for air, Al didn’t hear anymore. All he could see was a spot of light surrounded by darkness. Focusing on the spot, he saw that it was a view of the plate coming towards him and then the spot went black too.

The woman switched off the VCR and turned toward the seated man and said, “So, what do you think? We weren’t sure whether to call it “Hell hath no fury like…” or “Last Supper”.
The man in suit and tie nodded, “Yes, very persuasive. You have other topics within the motivational, video genre?”
“Ah yes we have a wide client spectrum,” she assured him, “Beyond adultery we cover bank fraud, exercise incentive and the mafia was quite pleased with our debt recovery media. Why don’t we discuss content and pricing over lunch?”
With an uneasy look, the customer answered quickly, “Er, no thanks. I think I’ve lost my appetite.”

FarmerJohn, Jun 04 2002

Rapid Goober Detector http://www.halfbake...20Goober_20Detector
nothing to laugh about [FarmerJohn, Jun 04 2002, last modified Oct 05 2004]


       ::::Applause:::: Oops - smashed your croissant, still want it?
thumbwax, Jun 04 2002

       Could we produce some of these in Bollywood style, on what it's like to survive a nuclear explosion?
beauxeault, Jun 04 2002

       Well I went right to the last paragraph, but I still missed it.
waugsqueke, Jun 04 2002

       Aesops Fables, Grimm's Fairy Tales, the Bible, et al cover this genre quite nicely. What's the advantage of putting them on video?
phoenix, Jun 04 2002

       BRILIANT! Do you write screenplays...?
yesh, Jun 04 2002

       [thumbwax] Does it have a fish filling?
[beauxeault] That's a good one.
{waugsqueke] Well you have to believe it to see it.
[phoenix] The mafia wouldn't take my bible.
[yesh] No, computer programs.
FarmerJohn, Jun 04 2002

       How does this differ from motivational videos, public information films, educational tv programs, soap operas with moral messages, etc.?
pottedstu, Jun 04 2002

       Let's see:
Fade to black
and harbinger of doom.

       Been staring at those 30s-40s vintage jingoistic shorts on classic TV, eh? Me too.
reensure, Jun 04 2002

       Ah, yes ... "Red Asphalt"; how fond I was of that one, each and every time they screened it for us in Health and Drivers' Ed.   

       I am actually quite a big fan of the antimotivational-film genre. Other forms of art inspire us to DO things; "Red Asphalt" (and Lifetime Television for Women movies) strongly suggest that we NOT do anything, but rather sit quietly right where we are and watch what would have been the consequences if we'd actually done the Fun Bad Thing, whatever it was.   

       Of course, films that celebrate the Fun Bad Thing (drinking, stealing, doing drugs, having extramarital affairs) tend to do much better at the box office. Not that they even need to be made in the first place -- on account of the Bad Thing being Fun, and all.
1percent, Jun 04 2002

       Nice! I like it. I think it would work well as an ad spot for an attorney specializing in divorce law.
grackle, Jun 05 2002


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