Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

The actual movie
  [vote for,

It starts off with scenes from the abomination that is the original movie. Indi hides in a refrigerator and gets tossed several hundred yards by a nuclear bomb, only to emerge unscathed. The difference is this time we hear Indiana Jones himself narrating the scene.

"Indi hides in refrigerator, smash cut to nuclear explosion. Shot of refrigerator holding Indi flying through the air, landing and Indi climbing out, a bit mussed up, but alive."

Then we cut to what's actually going on. A grey haired Indi turns the page of the screenplay he's reading and glances up disapprovingly at the cigar chomping movie producer sitting across from him.

"Really? Saved from a nuclear bomb by a refrigerator?" The producer replies: "Yea, it's what you call... fantasy... uh... artistic license." Indi looks back down at the script. "Artistic...that's debatable." He flips to the back of the script and scowls. "Aliens?" The movie mogul sits up in his chair. "Yea! That's the best part! Aliens are huge nowadays! Plan 9 From Outer Space, Them, Invaders From Mars, this is box office gold baby!"

Indi closes the script. "You said you were going to make a movie about my life story including the Crystal Skull incident. This isn't what happened at all. This is total garbage!" The exasperated mogul sinks back in his chair. "Ok, ok, so we took some liberties. Tell you what, we'll start again and this time YOU tell us what happened." He hits the intercom on his desk. "Lucy, tell those screenwriters Lucas and Spielberg they're fired and they'll never work in this town again. Then get in here to take some shorthand."

A shapely young secretary comes and and opens her steno pad to take notes. The producer sits back in his chair. "Ok. We'll do it your way. Tell us what really happened." At that point Indi begins to describe events as they really went down. We flash back to when it all began.

Then they tell a story that isn't totally awful. What is that story? I don't know, but there are no aliens and Shia Labeouf drives his motorcycle off a cliff in the first scene while wearing his little Pillsbury Doughboy cap that's supposed to make him look cool. 50% increase in the quality of the story right there.

doctorremulac3, Jan 19 2014

Shia Labouf and his little hat... http://www.theaterh...9/02/shia_indy4.jpg
[doctorremulac3, Jan 20 2014]

...was supposed to come off like this... http://www.driveinm...arlon-Brando-17.jpg
[doctorremulac3, Jan 20 2014]

...but came off like this. https://en.wikipedi...sbury_Doughboy).jpg
Only slightly less threatening. [doctorremulac3, Jan 20 2014, last modified Oct 20 2016]


       tc drops everything to pen War & Peace, The Actual Novel
theircompetitor, Jan 19 2014

       Bun for a way to re-do a movie that at least I haven't seen before.
Voice, Jan 19 2014

       It may make me unpopular to say it, but (as is my opinion of Lucas) Spielberg built a very successful franchise on the Indiana Jones movies and it is his and his alone to continue as he sees fit (apparently both see fit to drive their respective franchises into the ground). As a very nearly professional writer I can tell you that, before you get to the actual filming or publishing or whatever, just crafting an excellent story requires the investment of enormous amounts of time and emotional energy, and with that investment comes a true sense of propriety.
Alterother, Jan 19 2014

       Film rights to the story of my life, still unexpectedly available...
not_morrison_rm, Jan 19 2014

       This movie should've never been made. But I'm not sure what the idea really is besides a thin rant.
RayfordSteele, Jan 19 2014

       It's the beginning of a script for a re-done movie that wipes out the old movie which we now learn was only a bad Hollywood screen play being read by Indiana Jones.
doctorremulac3, Jan 20 2014

       Finally, a chance for Indy to show the public what the thrilling life of an archaeologist is REALLY like!   

       “After three frustrating hours attempting to remove excess soil from a delicate sherd of a Mesoamerican ceramic drinking vessel using the fine-bristled brush, I decided to throw caution to the wind and try the medium-bristled brush.”
ytk, Jan 20 2014


       Well, that would certainly be a plot twist.
doctorremulac3, Jan 20 2014

       If it is going to be self referential there is no reason not to belabor that point. Not necessarily from the same point of view. Fall back to the perspective of the Indi who is upset that he is made a white American (albeit grey haired) when he is really Indian, and that they have had him get his shirt all ripped up. Fall back and fall back again until the story itself is lost irretrievably. Then the car can take off powered by the alien bodies in the trunk.
bungston, Jan 20 2014

       Harrison Ford is a man who can barely muster a fuck to give these days. He's on an advert for Rupert Murdoch's Sky TV where he asks the viewer a bunch of questions which are, I think, about the responses those viewers have had to films, but he does so in the manner of a heavily medicated man muttering to himself at the cheese counter ("Jarlsberg ... feta ... manchego ... wensleydale? ... What did I come here for?"). I think that this cosmic disinterest is the very best thing about the monumentally silly KotCS ("Sillier than Prometheus!" it sez on the dvd case), an aging man not much engaged in the process, not engaged in the script, sullying only his likeness by appearing in this witless jalopy of a film. Maybe, in fact, he was appearing in doctorremulac3's version of the film in his head all along. Or maybe, while dicking about in front of the green screen he was thinking about flooring his loft, or whether it was, was it?, fromunda cheese Calista had sent me out to get.   

       I would pay money, though not very much money, to watch the various "mental processes voiceover" versions of movies starring Statham, Fassbender, Lorre, Hepburn (K), Varney that sort of thing.
calum, Jan 20 2014

       I think this is exactly the right way to remake the film (well, maybe not in the details, but the concept).   

       This could totally happen for any of a large number of over- the-top, blockbuster sequels as source material. The first one to do it could reclaim a ruined franchise.
Loris, Oct 19 2016


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