h a l f b a k e r y
I never imagined it would be edible.
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It starts off with scenes from the abomination that is the
original movie. Indi hides in a refrigerator and gets tossed
several hundred yards by a nuclear bomb, only to emerge
unscathed. The difference is this time we hear Indiana
narrating the scene.
"Indi hides in refrigerator,
smash cut to nuclear explosion.
Shot of refrigerator holding Indi flying through the air,
and Indi climbing out, a bit mussed up, but alive."
Then we cut to what's actually going on. A grey haired Indi
turns the page of the screenplay he's reading and glances
disapprovingly at the cigar chomping movie producer sitting
across from him.
"Really? Saved from a nuclear bomb by a
refrigerator?" The producer replies: "Yea, it's what you
fantasy... uh... artistic license." Indi looks back down at the
script. "Artistic...that's debatable." He flips to the back of
script and scowls. "Aliens?" The movie mogul sits up in his
chair. "Yea! That's the best part! Aliens are huge nowadays!
Plan 9 From Outer Space, Them, Invaders From Mars, this is
box office gold baby!"
Indi closes the script. "You said you
were going to make a movie about my life story including
Crystal Skull incident. This isn't what happened at all. This
total garbage!" The exasperated mogul sinks back in his
"Ok, ok, so we took some liberties. Tell you what, we'll
again and this time YOU tell us what happened." He hits the
intercom on his desk. "Lucy, tell those screenwriters Lucas
and Spielberg they're fired and they'll never work in this
town again. Then get in here to take
A shapely young secretary comes and and
opens her steno pad to take notes. The producer sits back
his chair. "Ok. We'll do it your way. Tell us what really
happened." At that point Indi begins to describe events as
they really went down. We flash back to when it all began.
Then they tell a story that isn't totally awful. What is that
story? I don't know, but there are no aliens and Shia
drives his motorcycle off a cliff in the first scene while
wearing his little Pillsbury Doughboy cap that's supposed to
make him look cool. 50% increase in the quality of the story
Shia Labouf and his little hat...
[doctorremulac3, Jan 20 2014]
...was supposed to come off like this...
[doctorremulac3, Jan 20 2014]
...but came off like this.
Only slightly less threatening. [doctorremulac3, Jan 20 2014, last modified Oct 20 2016]
||tc drops everything to pen War & Peace, The Actual
||Bun for a way to re-do a movie that at least I haven't
||It may make me unpopular to say it, but (as is my opinion
of Lucas) Spielberg built a very successful franchise on the
Indiana Jones movies and it is his and his alone to continue
as he sees fit (apparently both see fit to drive their
respective franchises into the ground). As a very nearly
professional writer I can tell you that, before you get to
the actual filming or publishing or whatever, just crafting
an excellent story requires the investment of enormous
amounts of time and emotional energy, and with that
investment comes a true sense of propriety.
||Film rights to the story of my life, still unexpectedly available...
||This movie should've never been made. But I'm not
sure what the idea really is besides a thin rant.
||It's the beginning of a script for a re-done movie that
wipes out the old movie which we now learn was only
a bad Hollywood screen play being read by Indiana
||Finally, a chance for Indy to show the public
what the thrilling life of an archaeologist is REALLY
||After three frustrating hours attempting to remove
excess soil from a delicate sherd of a Mesoamerican
ceramic drinking vessel using the fine-bristled brush, I
decided to throw caution to the wind and try
the medium-bristled brush.
||Well, that would certainly be a plot twist.
||If it is going to be self referential there is no reason
not to belabor that point. Not necessarily from the
same point of view. Fall back to the perspective of
the Indi who is upset that he is made a white
American (albeit grey haired) when he is really
Indian, and that they have had him get his shirt all
ripped up. Fall back and fall back again until the
story itself is lost irretrievably. Then the car can
take off powered by the alien bodies in the trunk.
||Harrison Ford is a man who can barely muster a
fuck to give these days. He's on an advert for
Rupert Murdoch's Sky TV where he asks the viewer
a bunch of questions which are, I think, about the
responses those viewers have had to films, but he
does so in the manner of a heavily medicated man
muttering to himself at the cheese counter
("Jarlsberg ... feta ... manchego ... wensleydale?
... What did I come here for?"). I think that this
cosmic disinterest is the very best thing about the
monumentally silly KotCS ("Sillier than
Prometheus!" it sez on the dvd case), an aging
man not much engaged in the process, not
engaged in the script, sullying only his likeness by
appearing in this witless jalopy of a film. Maybe,
in fact, he was appearing in doctorremulac3's
version of the film in his head all along. Or maybe,
while dicking about in front of the green screen
he was thinking about flooring his loft, or whether
it was, was it?, fromunda cheese Calista had sent
me out to get.
||I would pay money, though not very much money,
to watch the various "mental processes voiceover"
versions of movies starring Statham, Fassbender,
Lorre, Hepburn (K), Varney that sort of thing.
||I think this is exactly the right way to remake the film (well,
maybe not in the details, but the concept).
||This could totally happen for any of a large number of over-
the-top, blockbuster sequels as source material. The first one
to do it could reclaim a ruined franchise.