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Indiana Holmes and the Curse of the Philosopher's Jurassic Black Pearl

It's a whole new franchise ...
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The debut movie introduces the eponymous hero, Indiana Holmes, who is born into a family of professional detectives but while a mere baby is the sole survivor of a tragic transportation accident that claims the rest of his immediate family.

He is rescued by a troupe of itinerant nomadic archaeologists, who adopt him and bring him up as one of their own. As a result, when he is adult he is formidably well educated, but cannot communicate with humans except by standing at a lectern in a stuffy, overheated room and reading slowly from a prepared paper in a tedious monotone (accompanied by a badly-composed PowerPoint presentation full of incomprehensible graphs and blurred, grainy black-and-white photos) which means that the audience invariably fall fast asleep and never hear his message.

Through a series of highly unlikely coincidences, he is reunited with his remaining family, who carefully reintroduce him to normal civilized society and Americans. Thus, he becomes uniquely able to do Archaeology, rob tombs and temples, solve crimes by observation and inspired deduction, fight Nazis, have a good reputation as a minor academic at a provincial University, defeat evil wizards and yet still have a fairly normal appearance and an acceptably small number of behavioural quirks and minor personality flaws.

Through another series of improbable events, he sets off on a quest to recover a giant prehistoric oyster produced via genetic re- engineering by an Attenborough*, because it contains an enormously valuable and unique black pearl, the oyster having been stolen on a flying wooden galleon powered by holy antimatter and manned by resurrected Nazi zombie pirates from Atlantis.

Hilarity ensues.

Starring Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Johnny Depp, numerous attractive young women, Patrick Stewart, Meryl Streep, Dame Judy Dench, Will Smith, that bloke that was in The King's Speech, Daniel Radcliffe, Mel Gibson, Julianna Moore, Bill Paxton, the other one who was in Apollo 13 with Bill Paxton, no, not Kevin Bacon, the other one, he's in one of the CSIs now, you know, and George Clooney if he's not too expensive, and that girl with the funny name who was in Pulp Fiction, she's good, and Quentin Tarantino which will be great as then he can direct as well and he was brilliant with George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn, maybe he can get Clooney to come for less money, oh and better have Sandra Bullock and an older black guy to give it gravitas, James Earl Jones maybe, or Morgan Freeman ?

Pre-order "Indiana Holmes XXIV: Invasion of the Rabid Robot Vampire Donkeys from Ganymede" now, available on DVD, Blu-Ray, holographic memory crystal, quantum-entangled dot matrix, direct cortical feed, Edison waxed cylinder or serialised in 2,942 weekly parts inscribed on 3-ply quilted toilet roll with Aloe Vera, in Cretan Linear B, using a genuine Dodo feather and ink containing actual tears from a named celebrity.

What's not to like ?

*May have to be a CGI Attenborough.

8th of 7, Oct 06 2014

[link]






       As good as anything else out there now.
doctorremulac3, Oct 06 2014
  

       I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell.
zen_tom, Oct 07 2014
  

       Nice to see the great John Holmes included - should widen the audience considerably.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 07 2014
  

       I'd like to hear more about this quantum-entangled dot matrix.   

       //Harrison Ford//   

       That should cover the dinosaur front.
RayfordSteele, Oct 07 2014
  

       Indiana Holmes drives a De Lorean, of course.
hippo, Oct 07 2014
  

       // while a mere baby is the sole survivor of a tragic transportation accident that claims the rest of his immediate family //   

       I think you are missing out on some important details, there. Was their blimp captured by anthropoid apes, and the baby kidnapped? Was it a crash into a shallow lake inhabited by mer-folk?
baconbrain, Oct 07 2014
  

       Aw c'mon, this is just the pitch to potential backers, the storyboard isn't finished yet ...
8th of 7, Oct 07 2014
  

       Will Indiana Holmes discover in the sequel that his nemesis is in fact his father and the cute princess he's got the hots for is his sister?
hippo, Oct 07 2014
  

       //and Quentin Tarantino which will be great as then he can direct as well and he was brilliant with George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn//
a veritable string of errors
calum, Oct 07 2014
  

       OK, so, locations. Star Wars was set a long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. We know that Shrek was in Far Far Away, too. No time frame was given, but I'd say the Shrek occupies a time following the fall of galactic civilization, there are echos... look at some of the female hair. Anyhow, the DeLorean can be used to hop between these two highly successful franchises, possibly stopping in Mordor for a coffee and a pee.
bs0u0155, Oct 07 2014
  

       ...and Indiana Holmes's trusty sidekick, Robin 'Snowy' Maturin...
hippo, Oct 07 2014
  

       Ahem, his Dark Archers..
not_morrison_rm, Oct 08 2014
  

       No.   

       And again, "No".   

       What part of "No" don't you understand ?
8th of 7, Oct 08 2014
  

       //nemesis is in fact his father and the cute princess he's got the hots for is his sister?   

       Well, that makes two of us...except I was the cute princess..   

       <sound of snickering in the background>   

       I heard that :-)
not_morrison_rm, Oct 08 2014
  

       //Nice to see the great John Holmes included - should widen the audience considerably.//   

       Where I grew up "Holmes" was slang for "brother" or "buddy", especially used as a pat on the back expression, as in "Dang Holmes! You hit that? She's hella fine!"   

       I know, I was basically raised among troglodytes.
doctorremulac3, Oct 08 2014
  

       ... and oh boy, does it show ...
8th of 7, Oct 08 2014
  

       Nothing to be ashamed of, made me strong. When I moved to the rich part of town I was amazed by the weakness of the little rich kids. I also rose academically top be the top student in the school. Not "a" top student, "the".   

       With my unique background I can walk among barbarians and aristocrats alike. Frankly I don't like either and find them to be flip sides of the same coin. My people are those who are smart, industrious, responsible for their lives, family and community and who take what they've been given and do the most with it.   

       Holmes.
doctorremulac3, Oct 08 2014
  

       What we're missing here is:   

       (a) A Galaxy far, far away
(b) Hobbitses
(c) A Goblet of Fire.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 08 2014
  

       <sp>walk among -> tick off</sp>
RayfordSteele, Oct 08 2014
  

       Did we forget to mention the man-eating Great White Shark, the runaway train, the sentient computer, and the complete absence of Leonardo di Caprio ?
8th of 7, Oct 08 2014
  

       " made me strong. When I moved to the rich part of town I was amazed by the weakness of the little rich kids. I also rose academically top be the top student in the school "   

       How, by beating them up and taking their grades ?
normzone, Oct 08 2014
  

       Yes, exactly.   

       There is an ongoing debate as to whether Ming the Merciless was an appropriate choice of rôle model …
8th of 7, Oct 08 2014
  

       //How, by beating them up and taking their grades ?//   

       //There is an ongoing debate as to whether Ming the Merciless was an appropriate choice of rôle model … //   

       No, that would be fevered beta male imaginings.   

       I was the guy who would defend the guy getting picked on by the little rich shits because I've always hated bullies. Defending those who can't defend themselves is the duty of the strong. Bullies are always weak little punks deep down that hide their fear by hurting other people.   

       As you'll notice, I never draw first blood, but love engaging when attacked.
doctorremulac3, Oct 08 2014
  

       Noted.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 08 2014
  

       //first blood//   

       That's metaphor first blood obviously. I'm uncomfortable with any activity involving real blood.
doctorremulac3, Oct 08 2014
  

       Do you wear a cape, too? And help little old ladies across the street?
RayfordSteele, Oct 09 2014
  

       Why DO we bother communicating Ray? Is there something in it for me that I'm missing?
doctorremulac3, Oct 09 2014
  

       // I'm uncomfortable with any activity involving real blood   

       Breathing, and black pudding?   

       Anyway, how come this isn't "Indiana Holmes and the Curse of the Jurassic Black Pearl on Ice"
not_morrison_rm, Oct 09 2014
  

       Evidently. Maybe consider our line of communication as something similar to the cold war red phone.   

       Great leaders should be used to taking pot shots from the hoi polloi. And greater leaders recognize patterns amongst those shots taken and adjust. Heck, even Rick Perry is trying to at least look smart these days with those glasses.   

       And now we return to your regularly scheduled annotations.
RayfordSteele, Oct 09 2014
  
      
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