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Indy Jonas and the Modern Day Underpants of Doom

With Both Defensive and Offensive Capability
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Indy **will face some formidable and fiendish foes, big bad boulders, fearsome flak, and sssssneaky sssslimy ssssnakes as he boldly battles anthropological adversaries!

He **will save himself a lot of grief by wearing specially designed Underpants of Doom. These space-age undergarments are normally hidden by his outer clothing; but at the first sign of trouble by the hazard detection radar (on at all times) his pants will descend and the Underpants of Doom will take over!

Each custom fitted pair is designed with discreetly hidden Patriot Laser Weapons in the waistband, guaranteed to destroy (most of) the poison darts fired by head-hunting pygmies in dark and foreboding forests.

In the event he faces certain death by giant rolling boulders or machine gun fire, he can rest assured the Kevlar lining will remain virtually untouched.

Should he find himself at deaths door on the burning sands of a seemingly endless desert, pouches of specially formulated nutritious, high protein, high fat custard neatly tucked into the front fly area will provide sustenance to both he and his love interest (who will surely be laying there beside him), almost guaranteed to keep them alive until the last minute rescue by nomadic tribesmen.

Each elastic leg band can double as dental floss that will likely be necessary after consuming a life sustaining meal of desert bugs.

The rear area is covered with dozens of highly polished ceramic tiles, sure to blind the eyes of the war plane pilot, bearing down on them and spraying the area with high caliber machine gun fire! All he has to do is pull the back waistband over his head (Wedgie-Mode) and he will have complete protection, almost.

Batteries sold separately.

- - - - -

**[Edited to remove Evil Historical Impossibilities of Doom, stopping just short of providing a motion sickness pill pocket for anthropological adventurers who get sick during time travel.]

Grogster, Nov 16 2011

Proper Jinna Janna Jones technology Automatic_20Bag-a-sand_99
For swiping golden idols. [theleopard, Nov 16 2011]

[link]






       Nor would any of those problems be solved by pants, unless the pants were magic.
DIYMatt, Nov 16 2011
  

       [marked-for-deletion] "magic" and "ha ha - underpants"
hippo, Nov 16 2011
  

       //The Indiana Jones films took place shortly before, and during part of, WW2//
Apart from the last one, which was Cold War era.
TolpuddleSartre, Nov 16 2011
  

       "The Indiana Jones films were strictly confined to the periods before, during, and after WWII".
spidermother, Nov 16 2011
  

       If we are talking films with improbable plot lines about imaginary adventurers , then I really don't see why we should shackle ourselves to mere historical accuracy. If you are going to do fiction then go the whole hog.
DrBob, Nov 16 2011
  

       What good is kevlar going to be against boulders?
RayfordSteele, Nov 16 2011
  

       It won't do much about crushing, but it's dandy for abrasion.
mouseposture, Nov 16 2011
  

       "Magic" underpants, [hippo]? I dare say it would be no more magic than drinking from the wrong chalice and immediately dropping to the floor to devolve into your component bits.   

       And, [21 (and others) ] perhaps the idea could be saved from certain doom at the hands of the evil MFD if I change the title to "ULTRA MODERN PRESENT DAY Indy-Undies of Doom"? (...Ironically, my mother told me when I was a wee lad that I should change my underpants every day...)   

       **Done.
Grogster, Nov 16 2011
  

       I think I would've built all this into the fedora instead. Although when you're climbing underneath moving vehicles to escape Nazis, some kevlar underpants might be a good thing.
RayfordSteele, Nov 16 2011
  

       I hadn't associated these kind of perils with the Jonas Brothers before, more's the pity...
theleopard, Nov 16 2011
  

       Sorry, while worms are slimy, and eels are slimy, snakes are dry-skinned.
Vernon, Nov 16 2011
  

       Not if you coat them in slime first.
DrBob, Nov 17 2011
  

       This is really just an excuse to see Indy with nothing but his underpants, isn't it?
ye_river_xiv, Nov 18 2011
  

       This is better and worse than that nutsack idea.
afinehowdoyoudo, Nov 18 2011
  

       This idea could also be called "Tech Briefs"
afinehowdoyoudo, Nov 19 2011
  

       Regarding the justifiably objected-to temporal incongruity of laser-augmented underwear in a mid-1900s setting, I believe that steampunk could be of some assistance.   

       The laser need not be a laser per se. Rather, it could be a small, generator-powered arc lamp contained within an internally-reflective polished silver housing, such that the intense light is collimated and emerges through a single narrow orifice, in a laseresque but non-lasery way. The light would not be coherent, but that would fit well with the plotline.   

       Likewise, I'm pretty sure that rawhide, treated with oil extracted from the wrappings of ancient Egyptian mummies, would make a plausible alternative to Kevlar.   

       I'm pretty sure that the high-fat, high-protein custardic nutritional substance could have been a plausible product of his era.
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 19 2011
  

       Excellent suggestion re: steampunk, [MB]... and I might be able to power the entire apparatus with a large supply of calcium carbide in a pouch tucked conveniently in the rear, next to a pouch containing water (or nearest human waste equivalent). This very neatly gets rid of the need for the plutonium-238 batteries; however, it shortens battery life by 87 years and puts Indy's status as the quintessential "Alpha" Male at risk! Acetylene Male just doesn't have the same ring.
Grogster, Nov 19 2011
  
      
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