Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Metric fish

  [vote for,

Having recently had conversations with several anglers, I've discovered that all fish (or at least all sport fish) are imperial. You might catch a 3lb trout, or a 14lb pike, or even a 15ft shark, but there is no such thing as a metric fish of any sort.

This is all well and good here in this sceptred isle, but it must be terribly galling for French or German anglers, devoted as they are to the metric system.

Normally, galling the Gauls would be fine. However, it strikes me that England can always use a little extra cash, and there's clearly a gap in the continental market.

What I propose, therefore, is that Britain embarks on a programme to create metric fish breeds, which we can then sell at elevated prices to the French and Germans to introduce into their own (not our!) waterways.

Selective breeding is going to be very difficult and slow. However, thanks to CRISPR/Cas9 technology, and the brilliance of English biotechnologists, I think we can achieve the desired result by replacing the growth hormone genes of normal, imperial fish with those from snails. Snails (at least the allegedly edible variety) appear to be entirely metric, having been cultivated for millennia on the continent.

The same technology, once perfected, can potentially be used in reverse to create imperial foie gras and truffles suitable for the English climate.

MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 22 2017

Nurse shark https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nurse_shark
Already have a basic medical training [8th of 7, Aug 23 2017]

https://youtu.be/gweUVWUYYQ8 I would think this is a much bigger problem to solve [theircompetitor, Aug 23 2017]


       Instead of an octopus will we then have a decipus? I'm sure once they get started on their new GM diets, the unfortunate Frankenstein fish will soon start to comply with their new decimalised metric future.
xenzag, Aug 22 2017

       No, instead of an octopus we will have a squid. Please do try to keep up. And in any event, it will be you French that have it.   

       //Frankenstein fish// It is highly unlikely that any feasible genetic modification will turn a fish into a doctor.
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 22 2017

       Sorry to disappoint, but here in the colonies the sharks are four or five metres. You could come and explain feet to them if you liked. Note however that if their eyes glaze over that's a bad sign.
pertinax, Aug 23 2017

       //sharks are four or five metres// Ah, but note that it's four _or_ five. That's a clear indication of an imperial fish trying to fit into a metric world.   

       I've watched Jaws several times, and sharks are definitely in feet.
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 23 2017

       I watched Jaws several times, and feet are definitely in sharks.
xenzag, Aug 23 2017

       // It is highly unlikely that any feasible genetic modification will turn a fish into a doctor. //   

       Could you not begin with a Nurse Shark <link> and then give them more training ?
8th of 7, Aug 23 2017

       //Frankenstein fish// - you mean "[Frankenstein's monster] fish", I think
hippo, Aug 23 2017

       It's consumption of the Frankenstein fish that generates the monsters, as per all toxic GMs.
xenzag, Aug 23 2017

       Yes, but people say "Frankenstein fish" or "Frankenstein food", meaning "Monster-like fish" or "Monster-like food", when Frankenstein wasn't the monster, he was a mild-mannered, clever, hard-working, dedicated research scientist who happened to create a monster, but who probably also had a large number of other acheivements and published scientific papers.
hippo, Aug 23 2017

       I think most people know the difference between the creator and the monster, but thanks for explaining it again. Are you taking on the role of Igor here? Ha
xenzag, Aug 23 2017

       //as per all toxic GMs.//   

       Ah yes. Tell me, mon amie, don't your shoulders ever ache from all that arm-waving?
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 23 2017

       I shall have a fishy on a little dishy. Just have to dangle the GM hook in the water, and up it pops. Huzzahhhh! :-)
xenzag, Aug 23 2017

       // your shoulders ever ache //   

       Only one shoulder would ache. The other has to be kept quite still, to avoid dislodging the chip on it.   

       // the unfortunate Frankenstein fish //   

       We have considered this.   

       In German, "Stein" can mean several things, but two interpretations are "Castle" and "Stone".   

       "Frank-" means "french", thus "Frankreich" lit. "Kingdom of the french" which for inexplicable reasons is awarded an undeserved capital F.   

       So, stretching the translation only a little, "Frankenstein Fisch" can be literally rendered as "french stone fish".   

       This is rational; the stonefish is a very ugly and extremely venomous bottom-feeding grotesque; by inference, the french version would simply be uglier, smellier, lazier, and even more venomous .   

       We suggest that, if at all possible, the creation of Frankensteinfischen is avoided.
8th of 7, Aug 23 2017

       When fishing for them, should we use an inchworm or two and a half centipedes?
RayfordSteele, Aug 23 2017

       Twenty-six and a half millipedes would be more accurate...
8th of 7, Aug 23 2017

       //an inchworm or two and a half centipedes?// You see, that proves the point. One whole inch is some messy non-integer number of metric units. If the french had thought about it at all, they'd have defined the centimetre as an integral multiple (eg, 1x) of the inch.
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 23 2017

       You on the other side of the pond have been getting on about this ever since we decided to choose our own president.   

       Of course, if we'd known how it was going to turn out, we may have reconsidered.
normzone, Aug 23 2017

       We over here are considering letting you guys re-join the Empire. However, there would have to be a few concessions.
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 23 2017

       I wouldn't want to waste 0.46 of a millipede, and so a half of one is a good enough approximation for fishing purposes. Besides, they do extend a bit when you hook them.
RayfordSteele, Aug 23 2017

       Ped. A foot. Yes, there's a standard foot.   

       "In Imperial units, the foot was defined as 1/3 yard, with the yard being realized as a physical standard". The NPL keeps the standard.
8th of 7, Aug 24 2017

       (rare, genuine question) is there really still a standard foot? - I thought all the standards had been metricified
hippo, Aug 24 2017

       Yes, and it's under permanent guard by foot soldiers.
xenzag, Aug 24 2017

       And tonnes don't count?
wjt, Aug 24 2017

       The foot and the yard were based on the length of the foot (obviously) and the stride of an English Monarch, and are therefore fundamental physical constants.
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 24 2017

       Isn't that a kind of butterfly?
pertinax, Aug 24 2017

       They're migratory ?   

       Do they transport coconuts ?
8th of 7, Aug 24 2017

       //Danaiius Plexippus// That would be Danaiius plexippus (ignoring the italics). Specific names are not capitalised.
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 24 2017

       //I think I might have seen one once in Jamaica, but it looked a bit different and it went by quickly// Probably a rasta on a moped, then.
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 24 2017

       // I thought I might be spelling it incorrectly. //   

       There are only just the two letters, [IT], and they're the same as your initials; "i" followed by "t". The opportunities for getting the word wrong really are fairly limited. Perhaps you could have them tattooed on the back of your hand, if you really are in need of a reliable aide-memoire ? How long since you last had a check- up to screen for incipient Alzheimer's ?   

       Your're among friends here - don't be afraid to speak up and admit that you're losing the plot. We want to help (after we finish sniggering, and making snide comments about you behind your back, though).
8th of 7, Aug 24 2017


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