Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Midwynter Murders

  [vote for,

There is a TV show called Midsommer Murders.

In the eponymous fictional English county of Midsommer, noted for its picturesque rural landscape, incidents of mass slaughter which would not be out of place in the South Bronx or the favellas of Rio are competently solved by a team of middle aged middle class detectives.

Apart from the often bizarre and gruesome deaths, it presents an idealized version of rural England. Even the malevolent tramps (prime suspect, actually a long-lost brother, or maybe an undercover reporter and never the murderer ) are remarkably personable and articulate. It never seems to rain on the boys in blue; snow, yes, occasionally, but typically dry and warm, or dry and cold. There's a peculiar lack of mud and animal excrement too.

We suggest a crossover series where the well-groomed 'tecs get seconded to the northern city of Midwynter, where it rains all the time from lowering grey skies onto bleak concrete canyons infested with vicious, amoral drug-addled thugs, knife wielding girl gangs, and bitter, resentful pensioners who daren't leave their damp, cold, leaky council flats for fear of muggers, where murders are never solved, and the police force supplement their income by selling drugs to primary school kids.

Prime time gold, we think.

(The listing will need to be very clear that this is a work of fiction, not a documentary or current affairs report).

8th of 7, Nov 25 2019

Nanny Ogg's cookbook https://en.wikipedi...ny_Ogg%27s_Cookbook
For the more broad-minded kitchen user. [8th of 7, Nov 26 2019]


       Everyone knows you did them all.
xenzag, Nov 25 2019

       We'd have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those pesky kids and their stupid dog ...   

       That's the last time we take a job as caretaker at a derelict amusement park ... <stomps away, muttering/>
8th of 7, Nov 25 2019

       You’ve been to Inverness then?
Frankx, Nov 25 2019

       Is it that obvious ?
8th of 7, Nov 25 2019

       The description is unmistakable!
Frankx, Nov 25 2019

       Inverness? - ha - unicorn land - try Lurgan or anywhere that lies in what used to be called 'the murder triangle' - look it up if you don't know what/where it is.
xenzag, Nov 25 2019

       /Ah yes, where the orcs come from ...   

       / The description is unmistakable! //   

       That's pretty sharp of you, considering we emphasized the good points and played down the bad ones ...
8th of 7, Nov 25 2019

       I only recognised the description from the Tourist Board leaflet, they always put a positive spin on things. In reality, it’s a lot less cheerful.   

       Oh, and [+], nice idea!
Frankx, Nov 25 2019

       Actually, Inverness (aka “Down South”) was the epitome of culture and civilisation when I was growing up.
Frankx, Nov 25 2019

       When it comes to civilization and culture, the bar is set very low in scotchland. That's so the locals can still drink at it when lying on the floor, legless.   

       Based on things you have let slip previously, our money is on Wick as a likely spot for your formative* years. Of course, it might have been Thurso ... bad, bad place.   

       *in this case, formation probably involved repeated heating in a forge, then hammering out on an anvil. Tough place to grow up ...
8th of 7, Nov 25 2019

       The far North is a beautiful wild place.
Frankx, Nov 26 2019

       We do not dispute that, but merely note that it contains many ugly wild people* (allegedly).   

       *It is unclear in English law if it is legitimate to describe crypto-Picts as "people" within the meaning of the act. Roman law made no such obfuscation; that's why they built a wall.
8th of 7, Nov 26 2019

       Incidentally, they were called Picts on account of their unique ability to fashion biological weapons of terror from their nose pickings. [deep fried croissant crumb for idea +]
xenzag, Nov 26 2019

       "were" ?   

       Observational evidence suggests that your employment of the past tense in this context is inappropriate. Scotch Bogeymen are regrettably still WKTE.
8th of 7, Nov 26 2019

       //bad, bad place//   

       Intrigued! So what happened to you there?
Frankx, Nov 26 2019

       January and February.
8th of 7, Nov 26 2019

       It is known that the Borg prefer a temperature of 39.1 degrees.
Voice, Nov 26 2019

       You are correct; the single-digit temperatures were bearable, but add in the lack of daylight, the constant 8/8 cloud cover, the 50 knot winds, the impenetrable local accent, the lack of a retail establishment bigger than a garden shed that sold things other than heather, haggis and cheap blended whisky, the unavailability of even a dial-up internet connection or satellite TV, the precipitation that varies from sleet to rain to drizzle to snow but never actually stops, the bloody gulls shitting on everyone and everything, the "roads" that would disgrace a public footpath south of Hadrian's wall and the all-pervading stench of ancient fish and ... you still have no idea how wretched the place is.   

       Oh, and the power cuts, the limited cuisine (usually based on fish, heather and gravel), the extortionate price of vehicle fuel, the erratic postal service and the looming presence of a rather doubtful nuclear research establishment practically on the doorstep ...   

       The consensus was that the best option was to paint huge Union flags on the roofs in the hope that the USAF would bomb the place by mistake, resulting in substantial urban improvement.
8th of 7, Nov 26 2019

       //39.1 degrees//   

       In the North of Scotland in February? No chance! They’d need some kind of fast-breeder reactor to sustain them.
Frankx, Nov 26 2019

       I think you'll find they did make a Midwynter Murders" TV show as you described, but they called it "Shetland" instead.
tumblewit, Nov 26 2019

       The CGI for the outdoor scenes was totally unconvincing - they faked stuff like sunlight, and people walking around vertically rather than crouched against the wind. None of those things ever really happen.   

       // some kind of fast-breeder reactor //   

       <Prolonged Paddington Special Hard Stare/>   

       Haha. We're warning you, if there's a containment failure in our bile, spite and bitterness storage tanks we won't answer for the consequences. Think Savannah River, only really bad ...   


       [MB], is it OK if we bring [Frankx] to tbe Solstice Barbequeue this year?   

       As something to roast and then slice ?   

8th of 7, Nov 26 2019

       //Shetland// was quite good. Bit of a “what’s the closest we can do to a Scandinavian police/detective drama while still being in the UK” band-wagon thing. And the accents were way off. But overall good.
Frankx, Nov 26 2019

       //Solstice Barbecue//... sounds like fun! Will you have one of those Wicker Men bonfires too? You know the “Summer Isles” are a real place, just off Ullapool? I’ve been there. Deserted (now).
Frankx, Nov 26 2019

       Oh yes, we know all about Ullapool.   

       It's not the sort of place you forget, even after counselling and hypnotherapy.   

       // sounds like fun! Will you have one of those Wicker Men bonfires too? //   

       The very same. Do you mind using this twice a day for the next month ?   

       <Proffers bottle/>   

       <Silence of the Lambs misquote>   

       "It rubs the marinade on itself, or else it gets the tenderizer again".   

8th of 7, Nov 26 2019

       <Nanny Ogg>   

       "Well, they start out as Maids of Honour, but they end up as Tarts ..."   

       <Nanny Ogg/>
8th of 7, Nov 26 2019


       My children have made me aware that this, and related acronyms, may no longer mean, in this century, what they used to mean in the last.   

       Listen out for news items being read as "Sorties were flown by units of the United States As Fuck, the Royal As Fuck and the Royal Australian As Fuck".
pertinax, Nov 27 2019

       [pertinax] The opposite of that is old people writing "LOL" on condolences cards, thinking that it's a modern, hip way of saying "lots of love"
hippo, Nov 27 2019

       It could be irony (unless you're in the US, where it's unknown ) ...
8th of 7, Nov 27 2019


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