Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Online Twerking Academe for the Chronically Inept

Can You Feel It?
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The Online Twerking Academe for the Chronically Inept is a special four year program designed to teach geeks and other socially inept individuals how to master the latest craze in dance: Twerking.

A tablet computer is required. After an exhaustive online automated interview which collects every shred of critical information (that is to say name, address, and credit card number), a handy vibrating attachment (sold separately) is mailed out to the student in a brown paper wrapper.

Once signed up and online, the student reviews the brief online tutorial, straps the vibrating attachment onto their tablet, then places it against his (or her) good bits and grinds away until 1) the end of the song, or 2) the limits of his (or her) endurance. Headphones may be used to help simulate the stereophonic sounds found in an actual brick-and-mortar dance hall. Naturally, the vibrating attachment gives the authentic feel of real live human contact! Towels not included.

After four years of advanced online education, the student will be ready to hit the dance floor to show the world their new found proficiency!

********Note: The Online Twerking Academe for the Chronically Inept recommends that the student does **NOT** take the tablet with him (or her) for this phase.

********[Edit] Note #2: It is recommended that the student **NOT** choose a dance hall where ballroom dancing is performed.

********[Edit] Note #3: It is assumed that male students would take the traditional position during the twerkification by placing the vibrating tablet on their manly bits (such as they are) and then leaning backwards as if holding the weight of a real live woman. Likewise, it is assumed that female students would place the vibrating tablet in their posterior region as close as possible to their girlie bits whist simultaneously leaning FORWARD. The teaching staff at The Online Twerking Academe for the Chronically Inept find the whole business of actually having to explain anatomically correct positioning a socially awkward experience and therefore prefers to just let the students figure it out by watching the full color animated figures dancing on the screen during the brief online tutorial at the beginning of each session. The more observant students will notice (however uncomfortably) both the manly and womanly bits drawn into each animated figure, then (the thinking goes) the student will assume the appropriate gender specific role; that is, leaning forward or backwards, hopefully with the vibrating tablet in the correct position. (In the later years of instruction, the more physically adept students will be shown a tricky maneuver where one holds the tablet in place, then waves the free arm back and forth as if riding a bucking bronco. Not to be pessimistic, but the staff at The Online Twerking Academe for the Chronically Inept has expressed private reservations that any such "physically adept" students would ever sign up for the course in the first place, and... oh, wait, dang it, I am digressing again) The Online Twerking Academe for the Chronically Inept takes no responsibility for the (likely) sexually repressed inclinations of its (likely) clientele and wishes therefore to state categorically that any unfortunate circumstances that arise as a result of a male or female student assuming the anatomically **incorrect** position at a real live genuine dance floor full of people are the responsibility of each student. This is akin to the process of Natural Selection, where the less adept are "taken out" through means and methods that will not be described here.

Grogster, Jan 21 2014

Like This, Only In No Way Whatsoever http://www.youtube....watch?v=-U1iXqRBF8Y
[Grogster, Jan 22 2014]


       Get back twerk!   

       Does twerking relieve constipation? It looks like a pretty healthy practice for that end of the body, and looks a bit like a dog wiping its arse on the floor as a repetitive set of motions.
rcarty, Jan 22 2014

       As taught by the Online Twerking Academe for the Chronically Inept, it is more likely to relieve a student of the last remaining shred of self respect...   

       I may not have thought this through
Grogster, Jan 22 2014


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