Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Outriders for Hire

Nrrm nrrm
  [vote for,

Stretch limos are not only tacky and passé, but also a waste of money. If you are travelling from your middle-of-nowhere house, you really only want to try to create an impression as you drive through the posh parts of town and arrive at your destination. Yet, you have to pay for the whole damn journey.

May we recommend, instead, the Buchanan Motorcycle Outrider Escort Service? I think we may.


For a modest, negotiable and entirely non-refundable fee, four black-clad, non-talking, serious-looking motorcyclists on an equal number of large and serious-looking motorcycles will join your own vehicle at a pre-arranged point on your journey. They will then escort you, one at each corner, until you arrive at your destination. Here, they will halt and watch the crowd for would-be ne'er-do- wells whilst giving the appearance of being ready for any form of attack.

For an immodest additional charge, we will even provide a driver for your car, who will also park it for your after you have arrived and devehicled.

Environmentally friendlier'n a stretch limo also.

MaxwellBuchanan, May 11 2010

motorcycle escort service employment http://www.a3escorts.com/employment.html
[xandram, May 12 2010]

(???) looks baked here http://www.chips.me.uk/
[xandram, May 12 2010]



       Extra bun if the bikers are openly carrying large-calibre personal weapons.
8th of 7, May 11 2010

       When you look at the outriders, you will just know that they are carrying unseen weapons.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 11 2010

       You're talking bulging trousers here, aren't you ?
8th of 7, May 11 2010

       That is not at all what we had in mind. For shame.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 11 2010

       We are very glad to hear that. While well-fitted black leather garments are entirely acceptable, and indeed appropriate, for such duties, anything veering towards descriptions such as "closely-fitting" ot "figure-hugging" are to be strenuously avoided - unless, of course, the wearers are female.   

       NB it is important that the motorcycles are a reasonably close match in terms of syling and colour. Traditional black-and-chrome cruisers would no doubt fit the bill.
8th of 7, May 11 2010

       Yes, but only to swagger into the courtroom, push the judge off their chair, and enquire in a calm, courteous voice (after having used one's .44 magnum Desert Eagle as a gavel) as to whether the Prosecution wishes to open their case, or would rather just go home, and if so, have they brought a note from their Mother ?
8th of 7, May 11 2010

       Do they sport black leather jackets and studs with hell's angels logos, or are they more the government MIB-looking complete with ray-bans?
RayfordSteele, May 12 2010

       [+] if the service can also include a trailing tint-windowed SUV that the outriders "take care of" while en route. That might tip environmental friendliness back toward the limo though.
swimswim, May 12 2010

       This is a good idea. I say, milk the profits: charge extra for mustached outriders.
DrWorm, May 12 2010

       //criminal being taken to court.// brilliant idea - instead of a limo, you could hire a realistic looking police meat-wagon - with optional baying crowd of would-be vigilantes out to lynch you should you remove the coat from over your head.
zen_tom, May 12 2010

       [marked-for-category-change] business:something   

       I imagine most clubs would do it for you already for beer if you're buds, or for money if not.
FlyingToaster, May 12 2010

       [FT], you are heading in entirely the wrong direction. A small herd of Harley fans will simply convince people that you are friends with a small herd of Harley fans.   

       BMOES outriders are of an entirely more disconcerting and sober appearance.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 12 2010

       And damn, yes, it does appear to be slightly baked.   

       However, I might point out that the "CHiPs me" service offers something which is "a little more unique".   

       At the risk of being pedantic, something can only be _more_ unique by failing to exist at all. Therefore I claim a partial moral victory.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 12 2010

       Does the outrider hire agency supply Marianne Faithful-style female outriders wearing the kind of all-in-one leather motorbike catsuit she wore in the film "Girl on a Motorcycle"?
hippo, May 13 2010

       We can supply outriders wearing the specified costume, at an extra cost. We cannot vouch for the contents of the costumes, however.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 13 2010

       Right, I'll have four flaming readheads, helmetless, in fire engine red leather catsuits, on red Ninja bikes, with battle-axes strapped to their backs. [+]
BunsenHoneydew, May 15 2010

       Ah, sorry, we don't do gaudy. (Though we will do all other Oxbridge college events.)
MaxwellBuchanan, May 15 2010

       I'd like to see them get the bikes up to the top of Magdalen tower before 6am.
pocmloc, May 15 2010

       Black Helicopters ?
8th of 7, May 16 2010

       pomloc, 8th - both those cost extra.   

       Can someone please bone this idea? I'm getting nervous.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 16 2010

       // four flaming readheads, helmetless, in fire engine red leather catsuits, on red Ninja bikes, with battle-axes strapped to their backs. //   

       Errr, [BH], red leather catsuits ? We presume that these catsuits have "front zippers". Can you perhaps be a little more precise on the "zippedness" of the said catsuits ? Are you talking 80% zippedness, or less ? (Anything under 70% gets an automatic honourary bun).   

       // I'm getting nervous //   

       Yes,, well, some of us are getting twitchy, and waking up in the night whimpering.
8th of 7, May 17 2010

       really awesome idea.
Voice, Oct 27 2012

       I'd hire these guys just to escort me around the house.
Alterother, Oct 27 2012

       How do you think [MaxwellBuchanan] got the idea?
ytk, Oct 28 2012


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