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Prepaid Apocalypse Protection

Pay something like USD500.00 every four years for apocalypse peace-of-mind.
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Some may scoff at the prospect of the world ending, but there is very good reason to keep one of our semi-independent apocalypse protection personnel on retainer. It may seem only like science-fiction due to the number of end-of-the-world scenario movies and other media produced lately, but we at PREPARO are in touch with reality.

When the end does finally arrive, whether from Singularity, Saviour, or something else you're going to want one of our rugged, repentant (C) or righteous (P), and well-equipped professional heroes coming to save you. Our heroes form a loose-knit network, so each maintains an air of roguishness, but also benefits from mutual protection if the situation turns everyone-for-themselves.

Trained in everything from hand-to-hand and small arms combat, to nuclear and psychological warfare our guys and gals have guns, guts and ganja to keep everything irie. They are guaranteed to be apolitical, anti-cultist, and adamant about survival because we at PREPARO know that you want to survive, but also be free. So sign up now, because the end is nigh.

rcarty, Jan 08 2011


       OK, so I'm one of these guys or gals. Over the last few years, I've been living it up on $500xN/4 p.a. (where N is the number of clients I've been assigned).   

       Then one of those pesky apocalypses arrives.   

       I am now faced with a choice as to what I do, but for me it's going to be a fairly easy choice.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 08 2011

       Just like a lawyer, some of your clients who pay retainer won't have legal troubles. In the case of an apocalypse some of your clients will immediately die, and we expect that number to be quite high. Thus N is also expected to quite a high number.   

       We expect megadeath in most end-of the-world situations to be 98-99%, leaving 1,2/100. One of our team should be able to round-up a group of 5 survivors which makes N somewhere between 250-500 or 30000 - 60000 USD p.a. for sitting around with guns giving you peace-of-mind. (an algorithim I don't understand would have to predict likelihood of the 1,2/100 having a contract with us, undoubtedly N is going to be even higher , but lets say every 10th, so N*10)   

       I'm sorry your response has disqualified you from becoming one of our team. Perhaps you would like to have a copy of our brochure mailed to you and your family?
rcarty, Jan 08 2011

       The thing is, once the apocalypse has apocalypted, where's the incentive for the gun-carrying protectors to stay with the programme?   

       You see, when you plan for apocalypses, you have to consider these things.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 09 2011

       We administer a battery of tests to all of our applicants (you have been disqualified already), that appraises factors like altruism, ethical decision making, etc.   

       We also stage fake apocalypse scenarios to test the commitment of our heroes. If they don't immediately follow through with their rescue plans they are eliminated.
rcarty, Jan 09 2011

       Could you please post a notice when you're hiring stage-hands for your staged mini-apocalypse? (Sounds like a good place for a 'bakers meet-up)
lurch, Jan 09 2011


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