Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Rectal Rifling

Because fins won't work
  [vote for,

A cunning nozzle placed rectally that imparts longitudinal spin as the stool exits.

An engineering challenge indeed, since the stools are usually not tough enough to be forced through a stiff barrel.

No, what's needed is a pliable ovipositor contraption that grips sufficiently to allow straight line momentum to be transformed to angular momentum.

Toilet training will be needed to ensure a good exit speed to impart a decent spin.

We'll probably need to make them single use, but that's OK, since it will guarantee a market in repeat purchases. Yes, don't worry, they'll be bio-degradable.

Why? I hear you ask. Simply because a spinning stool will be much more satisfying. What's more, it will surely plop more cleanly than its wretched spin-less cousin to restrict "splash-back".

As if that wasn't reason enough, spinning stools are bound to penetrate, as modern Tallboys and Grand Slams in fact, into the deepest recesses, the bowels no less, of the toilet bowl. That's got to be a good thing.

DenholmRicshaw, Aug 13 2019

Tallboy https://en.wikipedi...wiki/Tallboy_(bomb)
Notably loud and expensive. [8th of 7, Aug 14 2019]

Rifled_20Urethra [calum, Aug 14 2019]


       Disturbing though this is... it might be better to spin AFTER full exit; a rotating chute or 3 spinning "grip wheels" some distance below the sphincter.
neutrinos_shadow, Aug 13 2019

       I think this could be baked through the use of a suitably modified churro machine.
Whistlebritches, Aug 14 2019

       <Adds an item to "List of ideas we wish we'd never looked at" />   

       // Tall Boys //   

       Sp. "Tallboys".   

8th of 7, Aug 14 2019

       With a mechanised rectal insert, egestion could be processed in any way imagined, only limited by contained power and a size for comfort. If there was a job designed for wireless charging this may be it. Little mould pressed schools of anchovy analogs?
wjt, Aug 14 2019

       You would want to make sure that your urethral rifling (qv.) runs counter to your rectal rifling, so as to avoid you being spun like a catherine wheel, legs and arms slapping hard on the cubicle walls.
calum, Aug 14 2019

       This device could also produce mini-tornado farts.   

       Incidentally, with the right anal geometry, it should be possible to produce vortex-ring farts, which would be useful.
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 14 2019

       The trouble with urethral rifling is that the emitted substance is a liquid in a non-laminar flow. Each droplet is independent of the others and leaves the meatus with a slight lateral velocity. Surely this will lead to a "cone of urine". Mind you, I'm no expert.   

       Vortex-ring farts - yes I can see several compelling use-cases for these.
DenholmRicshaw, Aug 14 2019

       Wasn't the Cone of Urine one of the horcruxes in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Kidney Stone?
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 14 2019

       I vaguely - oh so vaguely - remember seeing a program on TV which revealed that birds are rifled on the inside. IIRC to better apply shell to the nascent egg, rather than improve accuracy.   

       It could be true. But perhaps not - the alternative is that I dreamt it - perhaps after watching films about James Bond and/or Indiana Jones.
Loris, Aug 15 2019

       Sold with a suitably threaded stake this could find a secondary market among impaling enthusiasts, assuming there is such a thing of course.
Skewed, Aug 15 2019

       <whew... totally resists urge to post a reply but addressed to [skewered]... that was close>   


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