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Rifled Urethra

A new direction in functional body modification
  [vote for,

Insert a very low-diameter hollow tube into a boy's penis at birth. The catheter has helical threads on the outside of it. This causes the penis to grow around it and conform to that shape, causing the urethra to assume a rifled form. Every few months until puberty, the tube is replaced with a new one to accommodate the boy's growth in that region.

Once puberty hits, the tube is removed for good. Adequate training to responsibly handle the amazing range and accuracy is strongly advised. Best be careful with that, or you'll shoot her eye out, kid.

Note: According to what I've read there is a single spiral groove along the length of the male urethra. I contest that a single spiral groove does not constitute true rifling, and that my idea would be a significant improvement over nature's design model.

21 Quest, Apr 07 2011

Reddit discussion on the topic http://www.reddit.c...penis_is_rifled_so/
[xaviergisz, Apr 07 2011]

Closest I've found but its ridges are internal http://www.freshpat...ptan20070021707.php
[21 Quest, Apr 08 2011]

Supports my range theory http://query.nytime...00994D0405B878CF1D3
[21 Quest, Apr 08 2011]

The Most Wonderful Human Beings Ever Brought to the Notice of the Public: Perceiving, performing, and politicizing the disabled body in P.T. Barnum’s America http://americanstud...nts/amykarwaski.pdf
I'd never heard of "Middle Americans making babies have slanted foreheads and crossed eyes", so looked it up - could you be thinking of P.T. Barnum?
" The Aztec Children, of course, turned out to be another of Barnum’s skillfully executed humbugs. Maximo and Bartola were actually adults born microcephalic in the small village of Karwoski 8 Decora in St. Salvador. Most microcephalic children exhibit a small head with a receding forehead, and a loose, often wrinkled scalp, in addition to hyperactivity and mental retardation. Although not always apparent to the public, the alleged “Aztecs” were indeed reported to exhibit significant levels of intellectual retardation, and therefore, required much special care. xv The mysterious ancient language which Maximo and Bartola supposedly used to communicate with each other was simply gibberish." [zen_tom, Apr 08 2011]

It was the Mayans, not the Aztecs http://resources.br...f-body-modification
This is an alphabetized listing of cultures, each with a description of that culture's body modification practices. [21 Quest, Apr 08 2011]

Reddit discussion on the subject. http://www.reddit.c...a_spiral_groove_in/
[jutta, Apr 09 2011]

Large like the Chargers - The whole team http://www.youtube....watch?v=LnzYG0ZkrXg
P.S. - We got dicks like Jesus (with lyrics) [normzone, Nov 14 2013]

The wizz kids http://www.bbc.co.u...nvironment-24820279
[21 Quest, Nov 14 2013]

Sounds http://en.wikipedia...dical_instrument%29
No. Thankyou, but no. [8th of 7, Nov 15 2013]

Pretty sure God already practiced this one on ducks... http://schitzpopino...ntine-lake-duck.jpg
Argentine Lake Duck Penis [Grogster, Nov 15 2013]


       I'll wager that the gunnies in the 'bakery will argue that you're assuming benefits to accuracy that won't appear until you add some pressure and speed to develop range.

       Oh, and ouch.
normzone, Apr 07 2011

       It's awesome being dudes, man.
rcarty, Apr 07 2011

       I think the urethra is naturally rifled.
xaviergisz, Apr 07 2011

       According to what I've read there is a single spiral groove along the length of the urethra. I contest that a single spiral groove does not constitute true rifling.
21 Quest, Apr 07 2011

       I would like to see, one day, you take up a less hypocritical stance once in a while, 21. I have a strong hunch that if this idea was not yours, you would give it a (albiet fake) MFD and provide short rant about the blatant bakedness of the previous links. Bone.
daseva, Apr 07 2011

       Meh.... figured I'd post out of character for once and see how it went. Even from an objective standpoint, the only issues I see with this are possibly bad science (might not have the desired effect, but that hasn't been proven yet) and harm to the unwilling child. That argument can be countered with examples of child growth shaping throughout history though, such as Asians making women have pointy feet and Middle Americans making babies have slanted foreheads and crossed eyes.

       It's not meant as a serious post regardless. Find me an MFD category that this falls into and consider it gone. Gross Out Humor is close, but I'm not sure about that either, and I personally don't MFD under that one very often if at all (not even sure if I ever have).

       As far as bakedness of the link (not links, there's only one), nowhere does that discussion mention artificial rifling of the urethra, which is clearly what my idea is all about.

       So no, I don't feel hypocritical in the slightest. Out of character perhaps, but not hypocritical.
21 Quest, Apr 07 2011

       But would the precision drill team all dress left, or right?   

       I think rifling will only give you //amazing range and accuracy// if you're spouting solids, which is uncommon and uncomfortable. Liquids - well, you'll just have a cone-shaped spray which is utterly uncontrollable.

       So - is it your own kid you want to sentence to a lifetime of embarrassment and bathroom cleaning, or someone else's?
lurch, Apr 08 2011

       For Tom, an excerpt from my link: //The Mayans found beauty in a slightly cross eyed stare. Babies had beads strung over their noses to encourage the muscles in the eye to turn inward. Another fashion started at infancy was the desire to possess an elongated skull. Portraits of Mayan gods usually depicted a long, cone shaped skull and this was the ideal. The sides of an infant’s head were bound to promote elongation.//
21 Quest, Apr 08 2011

       //According to what I've read there is a single spiral groove along the length of the urethra. I contest that a single spiral groove does not constitute true rifling.//

       From the wikipedia "Rifling" article:
//Typically the rifled barrel contains one or more grooves that run down its length...//
Loris, Apr 08 2011

       I specifically mentioned multiple grooves in my post.
21 Quest, Apr 08 2011

       Well, this serves as a primer on the subject. But I think this is a single-shot idea.
normzone, Apr 08 2011

       Archipeedes screw?
But seriously, what about the spermatazoa? Sure they'll travel farther with more accuracy but then they'll be too dizzy to find the egg and you've effectively doomed all of humanity.

       Way to go.   

       What, like they swim in a straight line?

       Oh, and this was out of character somehow?
RayfordSteele, Apr 08 2011

       Its my first penis-related HB posting.
21 Quest, Apr 09 2011

       I've been getting those for a long time.
rcarty, Apr 09 2011

       Ahem! It's been adjusted.
21 Quest, Apr 09 2011

rcarty, Apr 09 2011

       Ah, The Ballad of Eskimo Nell's Dead-Eye Dick Enabling people to be a little more cocksure /

       "If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
Be a sweetie, wipe the seatie."
Dub, Apr 10 2011

       Carrying out an experiment: several male bakers required to follow these procedures when urinating and make relevant observations:

       1/4 turn
1/2 turn
3/4 turn
full rotation

       Purpose: measure effect of penile manipulation on urine stream in consideration of intrinsic rifling.

       Partipants will be compensated for their involvement in the study.
rcarty, Apr 10 2011

       Compensation levels are not likely to be nearly high enough.
RayfordSteele, Apr 11 2011

       Caution, The images created by the following may be offensive to some people.


       1/4 turn: Small detrimental effect on directional control.

       1/2 turn: Significant reduction in flow rate, almost no control of direction. 10 minute clean-up.

       3/4 turn: Flow reduced to almost nil. Direction vertical (i.e. gravity dominated).

       Full rotation: Flow from tear ducts becomes dominant, followed by involuntary release of twist angle and liberal flow with no directional control whatsoever. Clean-up continues.
Twizz, Apr 13 2011

       This is my rifle AND my gun!
21 Quest, Apr 13 2011

       Thank you for you participation in this study. Before your compensation can be released (several positive votes) you'll have to repeat the procedure but rotation is in the opposite direction.
rcarty, Apr 13 2011

       The reverse rotation part of the procedure was carried out immediately after the first part. This was found to be necessary in order to prevent permanent disfigurement.

       Results for CCW rotation were similar to those for CW rotation, but with more wimpering, especially in the last stage.
Twizz, Apr 14 2011

       woman to friend "OMG, you see the *limp* on that guy!!!"

       no, wait...
FlyingToaster, Apr 14 2011

       We can easily test this idea with the use of a modified sump-pump, a .30-06 hunting rifle, several lengths of rubber tubing, and a bucket of wallpaper paste.

       When you're done cleaning the walls and ceiling of your mother's kitchen, post here to let us know how miserably it failed.
Alterother, Apr 15 2011

       Read a news article recently about splashback from urinals being reduced by peeing as close as possible to the urinal. Something to do with the stream striking the urinal intact as opposed to striking after breaking up into chaotic droplets mid-flight. Typically a urine stream stays intact for about 6-7 inches then starts to separate and that separation causes a lot more splashback. So, rifling the urethra should help prevent urinal splashback.
21 Quest, Nov 14 2013

       This is your finest idea.
rcarty, Nov 14 2013

       I agree (now I've got Mickey Avalon's "My Dick" going through my head) - link.
normzone, Nov 14 2013

       sounds painful.
FlyingToaster, Nov 14 2013

       Well atleast for one of you.
rcarty, Nov 14 2013

       // sounds painful. //

       <slow handclaps>

8th of 7, Nov 15 2013

       //Some people enjoy using them for urethral play.//

       That's a thing!? I mean.... really!?
21 Quest, Nov 15 2013

       <not-a-dinky-ducky linky>
Grogster, Nov 15 2013

       I just had this idea after watching Full Metal Jacket, I paused it to post this and.... I'm late. There is a side benefit in that screw-in catheters would be trivial to construct.
bs0u0155, Apr 07 2014

       Too beau-coup...
21 Quest, Apr 08 2014


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