Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Spray-on compression socks

  [vote for,

To add insult to indignity, I find myself with a set of buggered lymph nodes. Lymph nodes, it turns out, are installed for a very good reason, because without them you simply accumulate fluid until you either explode or become so dilute that you cease to exist. In my case, my left leg is currently the size of Yugoslavia and has to be hauled around by my increasingly fed up right leg, which so far is only the size of Lichtenstein.

There are things called "compression stockings", but (although I have yet to try them), they look like being much less fun than you'd expect from something with the word "stocking" in it. I imagine that putting them on is rather like trying to fit a duvet into a clean pillowcase.

At the same time, though, there are many polymers that can be dissolved in suitable solvent, and that form a film that shrinks as the solvent evaporates. MaxCo. is therefore proud to introduce its range of spray-on compression stockings, which we are marketing under the name "Spray-On Compression Stockings".

It is advisable to shave your legs before using the product, but by the time you reach this stage you will be pretty much immune to the embarrassments that the human body can cause. Simply stand, naked from waist down, on a disposable mat, shake the can thoroughly for 30 seconds, and spray away. It is recommended that the Spray-On Compression Stockings be applied from the toes up to the crease of the thigh but (and this can be important) _no higher_.

Within 47-58 seconds, the pleasant-smelling solvent will have evaporated, and your leg(s) will be encased in a shrunk-to- fit fully conformal elastomeric layer. Should the oedema decrease over the ensuing hours, additional coats can be applied to achieve further shrinkage.

MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 01 2020

G-suit https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G-suit
For the fortunate, indeed blessed... [8th of 7, Mar 01 2020]

Heat shrink https://www.shrinkt...8-u-lAaAsnsEALw_wcB
Beats mere stockings every time. [whatrock, Mar 02 2020]

Intermittent Pneumatic Compression https://www.amazon....-574138157412&psc=1
[bs0u0155, Mar 02 2020]


       We suggest that the employment of a suitable G-suit <link> may achieve the effect you desire without resorting to un-blokey contrivances such as "stockings". Integrated into a one-piece flight suit, replete with numerous useful pockets and attachment points for equipment, the lower-limb-squeezing apparatus is not apparent to those unfamiliar with the technology.   

       For the system to operate, it is necessary for the wearer to be seated in a very high performance fully aerobatic aircraft. Extensive research has failed to reveal any negative aspects to this feature.
8th of 7, Mar 01 2020

       Are there maps of Lichtenstein and Yugoslavia printed on them? You’re missing a trick here Max. (Hope your symptoms get some alleviation regardless.)
xenzag, Mar 01 2020

       A G-suit would be nice, but as a consumer product it's a little pricey.   

       And thanks, [xen]. I was considering having the complete works of Shakespeare tattooed on my left leg so that, when it shrinks again, the level of detail would be astounding.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 01 2020

       // as a consumer product it's a little pricey. //   

       That rather depends if you include the price of the aircraft along with the garment. And it's not like it needs regular replacement - mostly worn either in the crew room or in the cockpit, both largely sitting down situations; there's only the studied slow-motion walk across the apron to and from the aircraft, casually dangling the helmet from the left hand followed by the studied half-turn and donning of the Ray-Bans, where it gets any wear in the leg regions. The "Top Gun Anthem" is 4 minutes 12 seconds and you need to time your walk so you sit down just as it ends, even if it's only playing inside your head*. This takes skill and practice.   

       *Beware the mockery cruelly inflicted by other bitter, jealous pilots with less desirable- or currently unserviceable- aircraft who may take the opportunity to sing "Dah dah DAH da-da-da-da-da-dah" etc. accompanied by ironic slow handclaps as you do the slo-mo walk. It's nothing but sour grapes. They have to go and spoil it, the rotten bastards.
8th of 7, Mar 01 2020

       Joking apart, I believe some forms of massage are helpful to this condition.
pertinax, Mar 01 2020

       Also, check the Liechtenstein leg in case an unclaimed fortune has been stashed there by a long-dead crook. You never know.
pertinax, Mar 01 2020

       That's so crazy, it just might work!
neutrinos_shadow, Mar 01 2020

       Stockings? Pah. Manly men use shrink tubing, available in a wide assortment of sizes and colors. Simply choose the desired size(s), cut to length and once your leg is appropriately sleeved stick it in a hot oven until the desired shrinkage has been achieved.   

       If no oven is available or balancing one-legged in the kitchen is not possible you can easily apply heat using a blowtorch while seated comfortably in your recliner.
whatrock, Mar 02 2020

       // Joking apart, I believe some forms of massage are helpful to this condition.   

       I had great success with those diuretic pills that make you piss every 45 minutes. Are you a candidate for furosemide, [Max]? Spironolactone also helps but you may develop a lovely set of hooters.
tatterdemalion, Mar 02 2020

       Balloon on top? But what about a balloon with variable pressure, or ultrasound pressures? That's also a form of massage. Heat too decreases the viscosity. More liquids. Injecting water directly into the lymph nodes?   

       Yugoslavia vs Lichtenstein...
Mindey, Mar 02 2020

       Make it. I'll buy it and use it on my ass to fit into shorts in a few weeks. You will become a household name if you can pull this off. (As for the legs, just keep those babies up so your heart doesn't have to pump so hard. It gets tiring.)
blissmiss, Mar 02 2020

       // You will become a household name if you can pull this off. //   

       Isn't that exactly what Bill Clinton said to Monica Lewinsky ... ?
8th of 7, Mar 02 2020

       A g-suit is what you need. The clever thing is to get the same function without the military price tag. Such a thing exists. Last time I was in the hospital, having bones bolted back together, they fitted my legs with what I described at the time* as "leg choochers". These turned out to be "intermittent pneumatic compression devices" for DVT prevention, unlikely in short operations on someone my age but that didn't let them stand in the way of billing for it. The medical version is fairly expensive, but consumer versions exist. Frankly, they're worth it because it feels quite nice.   

       *pharmacological intervention was a significant component of my mindset.
bs0u0155, Mar 02 2020

       // get the same function without the military price tag //   

       Quite possible; best achieved by knowing the Quarterbloke well enough to encourage an "accounting discrepancy"*. It's quite amazing what can get lost (or indeed mysteriously appear/reappear). Oddly, some of the most expensive items - guided missiles - are the easiest to "lose". After all, everyone understands if you lose a tin mug, but if a missile suddenly isn't there it's easy to fall back on the "Sorry, that information is classified" excuse.   

       Unless it hits something expensive ...   

       *The term "outright theft" is never used.
8th of 7, Mar 02 2020

       ¡HI, GUYS!
Pericles, Mar 04 2020


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