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Teeth of Wisdom

Restore the credibility gap to American Teeth
  (+2, -5)
(+2, -5)
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This one is for those Americans who desperately want to be liked and wonder why they are a bit unpopular in some places. Hello ! - It’s your teeth!!

Every time they open their mouths in order to try and say something sensible, the rest of us mere mortals are forced to don our sunglasses to dim the glare of those gleaming rows of perfect molars. What follows next are a mixture of muttered envious curses and incredulous glances as the spectacle of the perfect teeth transfix us into dumb-founded submission. “Sorry, what was that you said?” - “I was too busy staring at your perfectly champing visage to take in a word of it” can often be heard rising from an audience being addressed by one of these molar miracles. “Could you say it all again, this time holding a piece of smoked glass in front of your mouth?”

What they need are The Teeth of Wisdom.

Everyone knows that wisdom comes with age, and the same logic applies to teeth. Old and crumbling teeth are wise teeth. It shows they have been places and done things. It proves that they have sunk their shanks into the gristle of life, tore out a chunk and swallowed.

Teeth of Wisdom is a programme of treatments guaranteed to reverse all that expensive orthodontistry and pathetic bleaching, by reinstating a condition of credible imperfection referred to under the generic term of The Dentistry of Denial. This begins with frequent flossing with our patent product Urban Debris, daily use of which ensures that the gaps between the teeth get seeded with a cocktail of detritus, cemented permanently into place by the waterproof resin impregnated in the floss. Nightly gargling with a sugary staining compound quickly establishes a stubborn film that varies across several hues of yellow and brown. Highly visible mercury based amalgam fillings soon follow and The Treatment concludes, with a judicious levering apart of the front teeth to create a series of perfectly uneven gaps. Once complete there is no comparison between the former and the latter state. Where white once prevailed brown tombstones now reign supreme.

Words that were once lost to the glare of wonder whiteness will now ring true. In time folk will recommend their favourite practitioner of The Teeth of Wisdom with such new found phrases as “Wow - my sales went through the roof with this new kick ass Urban Debris Floss”

Not to be confused with: “UK naturals”.

xenzag, Oct 25 2005


       You had me at 'smoked glass'.
Texticle, Oct 25 2005

       Perfectly white teeth ain't natural. A healthy toof is a creamy off-white, or so I've always been lead to believe. Those rocking the facial glare are having to brush with something that's either radioactive or highly abrasive. That said, there's no need to shit up your teeth deliberately.

I'll just sit on this fence.
DocBrown, Oct 25 2005

       programme, heehee   

       ah the sweet smell of a fermenting cultural tooth gap.   

       best I could come up with on short notice.   

       Ummm, in the US of A, folks with brown and/or missing teeth are usually classified as hicks, rednecks, gypsies, vagrants, the educationally challenged., the hygenically challenged shall I go on?
dentworth, Oct 25 2005

       I don't recall the Dalai Lama having bad teeth. But Televangelists always seem to have implausibly gleaming choppers, so maybe there's something in this.
Adze, Oct 25 2005

       the heathen, the unclean, the evil, those too ugly for TV...
dentworth, Oct 25 2005

       //those gleaming rows of perfect molars// Just how wide do they open their mouth to talk?
fridge duck, Oct 25 2005


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