h a l f b a k e r y
"This may be bollocks, but it's lovely bollocks."
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This one is for those Americans who desperately want to be
liked and wonder why they are a bit unpopular in some
places. Hello ! - Its your teeth!!
Every time they open their mouths in order to try and say
something sensible, the rest of us mere mortals are forced
don our sunglasses
to dim the glare of those gleaming rows
perfect molars. What follows next are a mixture of
envious curses and incredulous glances as the spectacle of
perfect teeth transfix us into dumb-founded submission.
Sorry, what was that you said? - I was too busy staring at
your perfectly champing visage to take in a word of it can
often be heard rising from an audience being addressed by
one of these molar miracles. Could you say it all again, this
time holding a piece of smoked glass in front of your
What they need are The Teeth of Wisdom.
Everyone knows that wisdom comes with age, and the same
logic applies to teeth. Old and crumbling teeth are wise
teeth. It shows they have been places and done things. It
proves that they have sunk their shanks into the gristle of
life, tore out a chunk and swallowed.
Teeth of Wisdom is a programme of treatments guaranteed
reverse all that expensive orthodontistry and pathetic
bleaching, by reinstating a condition of credible
referred to under the generic term of The Dentistry of
This begins with frequent flossing with our patent product
Urban Debris, daily use of which ensures that the gaps
between the teeth get seeded with a cocktail of detritus,
cemented permanently into place by the waterproof resin
impregnated in the floss. Nightly gargling with a sugary
staining compound quickly establishes a stubborn film that
varies across several hues of yellow and brown. Highly
mercury based amalgam fillings soon follow and The
concludes, with a judicious levering apart of the front teeth
create a series of perfectly uneven gaps. Once complete
there is no comparison between the former and the latter
state. Where white once prevailed brown tombstones now
Words that were once lost to the glare of wonder whiteness
will now ring true. In time folk will recommend their
practitioner of The Teeth of Wisdom with such new found
phrases as Wow - my sales went through the roof with this
new kick ass Urban Debris Floss
Not to be confused with: UK naturals.
||You had me at 'smoked glass'.
||Perfectly white teeth ain't natural. A healthy toof is a creamy off-white, or so I've always been lead to believe. Those rocking the facial glare are having to brush with something that's either radioactive or highly abrasive. That said, there's no need to shit up your teeth deliberately.
I'll just sit on this fence.
||ah the sweet smell of a fermenting cultural tooth gap.
||best I could come up with on short notice.
||Ummm, in the US of A, folks with brown and/or missing teeth are usually classified as hicks, rednecks, gypsies, vagrants, the educationally challenged., the hygenically challenged shall I go on?
||I don't recall the Dalai Lama having bad teeth. But Televangelists always seem to have implausibly gleaming choppers, so maybe there's something in this.
||the heathen, the unclean, the evil, those too ugly for TV...
||//those gleaming rows of perfect molars// Just how wide do they open their mouth to talk?