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The Gun Juggler

8 guns in the air at all times...2 blazing. The only thing he's dropping is the bad guys.
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(+26, -2)
  [vote for,

Inspired by Bungston's idea where the guy holds 2 guns in each hand and that stupid movie "Machete" where he's got a couple of dozen machetes in his coat. A stupid movie about a guy with a couple of dozen guns in his coat.

The gun juggler is a former street preformer who's been pushed too far ("Hey! Come back with my leotard!") and decided it's time to clean up those streets he used to perform on. Like when a juggler juggles 5 apples then takes a bite out of one, he juggles 5, 6, 7 or more guns shooting each one before tossing it up in the air again.

Whether it's guns or women, the Gun Juggler knows how to fire up both.

Plot?: That's it.

In the trailer, the voiceover says: "Hey Gun Juggler. Why so many guns?": (Then cut to the Gun Juggler lauging menacingly at the question, swashbuckler style with his fists on his hips and all like... "Buwhahahaha!")

Coming direct to DVD this summer.

doctorremulac3, Mar 20 2011

Welrod http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Welrod
Silent but deadly. [8th of 7, Mar 20 2011]

Cinema_20with_20real_20gunfire [hippo, Mar 23 2011]

Gun Slap scene from Trinity http://www.youtube....watch?v=9C-fRdCmzDk
The Gun Juggler could do this, but of course his guns would be in the air between slaps. [bungston, May 25 2011]

You gotta be kidding me! http://www.youtube....4&NR=1&feature=fvwp
The gun juggler actually lives! Only two guns but it's a start. [doctorremulac3, Sep 11 2011]

Ray Charles in Blues Brothers http://www.youtube....watch?v=_cnzuI4fsMs
It breaks my heart, a boy that young going bald. [bungston, Feb 16 2012]

Admission ain't free. http://marvel.wikia...f_Crime_(Earth-616)
This way to the regress ===> [2 fries shy of a happy meal, Mar 19 2012]


       I'm definitely gonna make sure I catch this one. [+]
ytk, Mar 20 2011

       Gives me an idea for the tagline:   

       "Don't miss The Gun Juggler, 'cause the gun juggler don't miss." (Show him nodding his head and winking with his arms crossed.)   

       The first movie where there's an implied threat to the audience, like the character's gonna hunt you down if you don't see the movie.
doctorremulac3, Mar 20 2011

       In the climactic final scene, the bad guy shouts, "This isn't over, Gun Juggler!" then tries to escape on one of six identical helicopters, each heading a different direction.   

       Luckily, the Gun Juggler happens upon a stash of half a dozen RPG launchers, which he uses to shoot down each of the choppers within 10 seconds. He then adds with a smirk, "I hate to leave things up in the air."
ytk, Mar 20 2011

       LOL. That's some damn fine screenwritin' y.
doctorremulac3, Mar 20 2011

       How about a scene where he gets captured and tied up in the basement of the infamous Columbian cocaine smuggler, Juan Carlos Dominguez de La Rosa. He manages to escape his bindings, but the only weapon(s) he can find is a set of golf clubs. He nevertheless juggles the entire set, killing each of the bodyguards with an expertly hurled club, until he makes it to de La Rosa's office. Right before kicking the door in and dispatching the druglord, he quips, "Time to make a hole in Juan."
ytk, Mar 20 2011

       Ok, you got the job. When Tarantino calls, I'll tell 'em we're a package deal.
doctorremulac3, Mar 20 2011

       Extra bonus bun if the gun juggler gets all ironical. And shoots down mimes with suppressed handguns (like the Welrod).   


8th of 7, Mar 20 2011

       That would be the the second movie when he comes up against "The Mime". He and his minions never speak, so they'll walk into the bank and rob it using only pantomime. (Gesturing into the bag, pointing the gun at their head and hanging their tongue out of their mouth like they're dead to say "Put the money in or you're dead")   

       In the final scene he comes face to face with the Mime. It's one of those scenes where the bad guy's apparently cornered but he's still all cocky like the hero's missed something and the bad guy's got some trick up his sleeve. The Mime looks all smug, stands up, and puts his finger in the air as in "Observe" but before he can do his routine the Gun Juggler blows him away.   

       The Gun Juggler's specialty would be blowing people away right before they're about to engage in a movie cliche'.   

       The angry police Captain's office tirade: "G.J. get in here! You shot up the mayor's office and caused fifty thousand dollar in dam...." BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM!!!"   

       The retiring partner who probably shouldn't be going out on this last patrol: "Well, G.J. looks like one more night's work and I get to retire to selling adult novelties in Florid..." BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM!!!"
doctorremulac3, Mar 20 2011

       I think the inclusion of women would be an unnecessary distraction.
pocmloc, Mar 20 2011

       The sexy scenes would be short and tasteful. Like: (sexy gal the Gun Juggler's just saved) "Ooooh, Gun Juggler, why dont' you stop juggling those guns and make sweet love to me?"   

       Gun Juggler: "I can do both sweety."   

       Girl: "Oooooh!" (Fade to next scene: Scene 26/Shootout #26.)
doctorremulac3, Mar 20 2011

       <while juggling 5 guns>"I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire thirty shots or only twenty-nine?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as these are .44 Magnums, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"</wj5g>
hippo, Mar 21 2011

       LOL. Wow, we've got some screen writing talent here.
doctorremulac3, Mar 21 2011

       We will be happy to design the special effects, except the bit where the mimes get gunned down, which will be done live, and for real.   

       Oh, and those annoying "human statues", too.
8th of 7, Mar 21 2011

       His disguise for the guns should be a huge sack of balls that he carries around.
rcarty, Mar 22 2011

       // huge sack of balls //   

       We didn't get the impression that it was THAT kind of movie...
8th of 7, Mar 22 2011

       His huge sack of balls is implied, but not actually shown.
doctorremulac3, Mar 22 2011

       By August 2012 when people are sick of reality TV, and invent the TV reality, the movie is advertised with homeless volunteers who will actually shoot into the crowd. It will become a cult movie, and people will be coming 12 and more times to the shooting, I mean show.
pashute, Mar 23 2011

       [pashute] - see link
hippo, Mar 23 2011

       To be followed by 'The Gun Juggler 2: Even More Guns,' a Rambo-esque jaunt into Libya to rescue his circus poodle partner, and a prequel 'The Ringmaster's Apprentice.'
RayfordSteele, Mar 23 2011

       "The price of entertainment is eternal violence"
8th of 7, Mar 23 2011

       I find it hard to believe that no one on the planet has tried to juggle pistols and you-tubed it yet.   

       // tried to juggle pistols //   

       That's a case of "No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try."
8th of 7, Mar 23 2011

       There is so much heroic potential in this concept! Really the main problem with juggling movies has been the many interruptions in juggling. I do not see that as a problem here. Also, it would be good to do this without resort to CGI, to maintain the realism.
bungston, Mar 23 2011

       // without resort to CGI //   

       That goes without saying.
8th of 7, Mar 23 2011

       / Gun Juggler: "I can do both sweety." /   

       so awesome! There has never been one like the Gun Juggler.
bungston, May 24 2011

       Gun Juggler 2: Juggle This.
Alterother, May 24 2011

       One of the Hellboy movies has a riff on the hero catching the baby theme, in that Hellboy carried the baby around for much of the fight scene. I can envision the Gun Juggler catching a baby thrown from a window, then more and more as the bad guys continue to throw them until he is juggling eight or 9 babies. It would seem the scene would end there, but then bad guys open windows on a different floor and start tossing out more babies. "Help me with these!" the Gun Juggler exclaims, and begins to juggle off babies to various others in attendance, all of whom feign surprise and terror but prove to be masterful jugglers themselves.   

       In an attempt to deal with the bad guys, Gun Juggler adds his guns back to the mix, with the result that some of the juggled babies arm themselves in midflight. The standard comedic "guns are funny" routine follows - after noting the penchant of the babies to randomly discharge their guns, Gun Juggler uses this to good effect against the bad guys hiding in the building, juggling the armed babies high enough to shoot through the windows and take out the baddies.   

       It is possible some CGI might be necessary here. Any viewers disgusted by the proposition that (intoxicated) babies with guns are heartwarmingly funny are in the wrong movie to begin with, and so this scene should occur early on to clear those folks out of the theater.   

       I feel somehow that the Gun Juggler is juggling me - each time my thoughts escape to some new topic I find them gravitating back to his dextrous clutches.
bungston, May 25 2011

       I watched those gun scenes just now. I must say that dude is a pretty serious dude. I don't see him being big in for juggling.
bungston, Sep 12 2011

       Ah the Gun Juggler, back on my mind. I am now thinking of the scene in Blues Brothers where Ray Charles puts two bullets in the wall right above where a kid was about to touch a guitar. The Gun Juggler could have two guns go off while he is juggling and talking to another charatcer, not otherwise fighting. The clip from Blue Brothers could be inserted, to show that the Gun Juggler is always watching and to establish cultural relevance; GJ himself could deliver Ray's lines.   

       Clip linked for those unfamiliar.
bungston, Feb 16 2012

       And the bit where the gun juggler has to scale the walls in a hurry, noticing a convenient passing circus he borrows two of the human cannon wossernames and by dint of being fired out of one, then landing in the other one, then fired again he gets the velocity to go over the wall, or possibly into low Earth orbit.   

       So, the gun juggler is himself juggled in guns..
not_morrison_rm, Feb 16 2012

       some of the objects have to be bottles of Cap'n Morgans or similar... "Rum Guzzling Gun Juggling".
FlyingToaster, Feb 17 2012

       //some of the objects have to be bottles of Cap'n Morgans or similar... "Rum Guzzling Gun Juggling".//   

       At this point we enter the Twilight Zone as that anno has ceased to be..I put it down to the ballistic dandruff myself. It is Seal Six's secret weapon..
not_morrison_rm, Feb 17 2012

       I'm adding this thread from another idea that somehow meandered into this idea. Vernon posted an idea of having ballistics gel on a battlefield to tell which direction a sniper was sooting from. (If you've already read this thread from simonj the below is not new, just cut and pasted from that.)   

       So here's the scene, Bruce Willis is the Gun Juggler. He and some hottie are pinned down by an unseen sniper. (Bruce didn't have time for backup so he went in alone.) The chick says "Where are the shots coming from?" and Bruce looks around and sees a 50 gallon drum of beer, water, whatever. So he runs behind it, stands up and takes a few wild shots in all directions to draw the sniper's fire then squats behind the drum. POW! The next sniper shot hits the drum and the liquid sprays out in the exact direction of the sniper revealing his location. Bruce looks at the stream, looks at where the stream is pointing and makes his move, working his way around to flank the sniper. He comes up behind the guy, who hears the Gun Juggler's gun cock, turns around and says "But how!" to which GJ says "4 years of community college trigonometry. Knew it would pay off some day." BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!!!
doctorremulac3, Feb 17 2012

       Have Guns Will Juggle reads the card of a man.
A gat twirlin charmer with a sure-fire hand.

       His fast guns for higher head's the calling wind.
A soldier of fotune is the man called Jugglidin.


       Music by Ennio Morricone, lyrics by Two Fries Shy.
doctorremulac3, Feb 18 2012

       [+] [2fries]
FlyingToaster, Feb 18 2012

       The Gun-Juggler's nemesis ambushes him in a room with a low ceiling.
pertinax, Mar 11 2012

       ...but he foils the plot by bouncing his guns off the floor using--you guessed it--rubber bullets!
Alterother, Mar 11 2012

       One could also deal with low ceilings by a limbo backbend Matrix style, while juggling.
bungston, Mar 12 2012

       ah, the Gun Juggler. I think he is my muse. I am picturing an obnoxious mime juggling invisible guns, juggling his own head, juggling invisible guns using only pelvic thrusts, etc. Aping the Gun Juggler at every turn. One expects the Gun Juggler to blow him away at any moment... but no. The gun juggler is improbably tolerant. At the end of the movie he cracks a smile at the mime.
bungston, Mar 14 2012

       Methinks we have sidekick material here... Maybe a story intertwined with that of the sequel villain?
Alterother, Mar 14 2012

       There is precedent for the mime sidekick in Harpo Marx - most awesome mime of all time.
bungston, Mar 16 2012

       I think a sexy fire eater would be nice for the 3rd movie. Call her, I don't know, Fireina. Full name Fireina Fahrenheit. She could make all sorts of double entendre jokes before she flamed her victims. "Care for a little hot oral action?" FWOOOOOSSHHHHHH!!!! She'd have to spit some kind of mega fire solution that instantly reduced her victims to ash since people running around screaming while they burn to death is kind of a downer.   

       Don't think she'd be a sidekick though. She'd be the villain with underlying sexual tension between her and the Gun Juggler. "Too bad you decided to juggle for good. We could have put on... quite an act together. I understand you're... quite the performer." (Winks, jumps out bank window into her waiting getaway car on the street below.)   

       Ohh, when she blows kisses they're little puffs of flame. She'll be the character in the 3rd movie that everybody agrees ruined the series. Then it's on to the cartoon version with the talking dog, Jugglie.   

       Seriously, does anybody know where to get lunch boxes printed? I might just skip right to selling Gun Juggler lunch boxes.
doctorremulac3, Mar 16 2012

       The blown kisses of flame are good. It occurs to me that it could be done with no-one burning up and, maybe, no-one getting shot. I seem to recall the short lived Brisco County Junior was such an amazing shot he did not need to actually kill people.
bungston, Mar 17 2012

       So was every member of the A-Team, I think.
Alterother, Mar 17 2012

       Actually I think her name should be "Spitfire".
doctorremulac3, Mar 17 2012

       "I like my men like my steaks... Flame-kissed."
ytk, Mar 17 2012

       Her calling card, a kiss shaped burn mark on the cheek.
doctorremulac3, Mar 17 2012

       She needs a bullwhip... a fire-cracker if you will.   

       This is quickly taking on a comic-book-esque form. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Alterother, Mar 17 2012

       My wife and I had a sober discussion of the GunJuggler, and she observed that he seems like a Batman character. There is something to this - Batman's world seems to have many circus-type bad and good guys.
bungston, Mar 19 2012

       Ya know, that's not a bad idea for a group of bad guys the Gun Juggler has to deal with. The Cirque du Criminel.   

       As we know, the Gun Juggler was driven off the streets he used to perform on by the criminals who took over those streets. He decided to use his skills to fight back.   

       At the same time, the economic downturn caused an entire circus to go over to the dark side changing their name to "the Circus of Crime". The high wire and trapeze acts use their skills to get into buildings to burglarize them, the tumblers build human pyramids to the same effect. The cotton candy salesman sells highly addictive pink, spun methamphetamine etc etc. At the center of it all is the Ring Master.   

       The scene where he's introduced shows him from behind, top hat on his head facing the tv as the crime reports come in on their first night terrorizing the city. As the camera pans around to show his face (with curly tipped handlebar mustache) he says "Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome one and all... the the greatest show on earth! BuwhhhAAAAHWAHHHHHAHHHHAHHH!"   

       Then cut to the the Gun Juggler, unaware at this point of the mayhem descending on the city, doing magic tricks for a bunch of kids. He "pulls a quarter from behind a kid's ear", flips it into the air, shoots a hole in it and catches it handing it to the delighted child.   

       GJ: "Here ya go kid." Kid: "Thanks Gun Juggler. Will this ringing in my ears go away pretty soon?" GJ: "Not likely, I'm using 230 grain hydro shocks. You're lucky you can hear at all."   

       (Gunphone rings) "CALLING THE GUN JUGGLER! GUN JUGGLER COME IN!"   

       Ok, getta get back to reality here. Busy day.
doctorremulac3, Mar 19 2012

       Marvel Comics might have a thing-or-two to say about using the Circus of Crime label. [link]   

       I would also like to propose at this time a tightrope unicycling vigilante anti-hero with mental powers dubbed the the Uni-Psi-Killer.
~They call him unballanced though he's totally on the level... it's a fine line, but, someone's gotta ride it.~

       Hmm. A Nazi circus from 1941 eh? Ok, scratch that. Hey, they've got an evil fire eater as well, although there's is a guy.   

       Think I'll keep Spitfire anyway. She's much more intriguing. She got her powers working on a feminine hygiene product experiment gone wrong.   

       Or not. Not's good too.
doctorremulac3, Mar 19 2012

       It's likely that the true identity of the Gun Juggler will never be known. However, it's my understanding that the superhero is in fact from humble origins. While working as a part-time stockboy at a local sporting goods store, the Gun Juggler,who was at the time a clumsy highschool dropout, was involved in a tragic accident. He was placing an assortment of firearms on a high shelf when disaster struck. A sudden earthquake shook the ground beneath him. This caused him to teeter precariously on the aluminum stepladder. He continued to teeter there precariously for many minutes until looters suddenly burst into the store. In a final desperate bid to stay balanced the stockboy grabbed the shelf, tipping it forward. The guns fell, and the Gun Juggler arose. The looters dropped one by one as guns were picked out of the air and fired successively. When the smoke cleared the looters and their families lay dying each with a single gun shot to their jugulars. Each was treated by the Gun Juggler himself at the scene, and were later released from hospital.
rcarty, Mar 19 2012

       Plausible enough.
doctorremulac3, Mar 20 2012

       With spurs jingle-jangling jauntilly, Gun-juggler joylessly rejoins jaculating jugulars.   

       SCENE 1

[The gun juggler arrives slightly late at the scene of a bank robbery. He turns to an old man on the sidewalk.]

"Did you see who did it?"

[The old man is The Caricaturist who makes his living drawing caricatures of tourists. Wordlessly, he draws lightning-fast caricatures of the bank robbers]



[The Gun Juggler is in a shoot-out with The Mime. The Gun Juggler is juggling and shooting, but falls to the floor, wounded by The Mime. As The Mime starts to smile he falls to the floor, stunned by the Gun Juggler's last gun falling from the air.]
hippo, Mar 20 2012

       Theme song to be sung by a Frankie Laine soundalike.

He talks the talk
Gunslinger style
He walks the walk
And all the while
Evil’s in Gun Jugglers sights

Bad guys don’t sleep at nights!

A circus boy
Who hit bad times
He’s grown up now
And stopping crimes
Evil’s in Gun Jugglers sights

Bad guys don’t sleep at nights!

Eight guns to shoot
Six shots per gun
The bad guys scoot
Just see them run
But they’re in Gun Juggler’s sights.

Bad guys don’t sleep aaaat niiiiights!

[insert pistol shot & ricochet sound affects at appropriate places throughout]
DrBob, Mar 20 2012

       Think he's just a
street performer?
You'll be dust and
life gets warmer
You've looked down Gun Juggler's sights

Bad guys don’t sleep at nights!
hippo, Mar 20 2012


       That's actually very good. Standing O.
doctorremulac3, Mar 20 2012

       SCENE 12   


       The muted sounds of lovemaking come from within the villa. There is a beat...   

       The patio shutters explode forth in an impressive display of dust. The GUN JUGGLER emerges from the miasma, fully dressed with bandoliers, etc., walking rapidly toward the camera. He pauses, suddenly, to light a cigarillo, then exits the frame eastward, revealing MIRANDA, emerging from the patio doors, clutching her bedclothes to her bare bosom.   

       MIRANDA "Wait, GUN JUGGLER! Why do you leave? I thought you love me..."   

       GUN JUGGLER "I do, chica, I do. But, where I'm going, you need to be able to juggle at least two balls at a time. And maybe then some. Good-bye chica."   

       MIRANDA "No! Wait, GUN JUGGLER, I can learn..."   

       MIRANDA stumbles, then sits, exasperated.
xrayTed, Mar 21 2012

       Such quality here. I laughed out loud at the quarter from the ear trick. And admired rcarty's long-teetering Gun Juggler even more when he treated the neck wounds he caused such that lessons were learned but no lasting damage done. Like the A-Team but with gouts of blood!
bungston, Mar 21 2012

       YOU'RE ALL JUN, DUNGUGGLER! no wait...
bungston, Apr 10 2012

       "Do you always keep your guns loaded, GunJuggler?"   


bungston, Aug 15 2016

       How about multiple juggling coats too? This reminds me of two real life stories, people with crumpled coats, that I met when I was a teenager at highschool Yeshiva, and who used those coats to their advantage.   

       We had a "rabbi begger" who used to come to the school wearing over 50 Tzitsis cloths with fringes. He would come a few times a year and our master rabbi let him into class, axplaining the importance of the tradition of wearing these clothes under our shirt. We each gave a small amount of money and he would take off the pile of Tzitzis and give us one that was the right size. (Bigger if you were more pious and payed an extra fee, which in addition got you our master rabbi's blessing for the same money).   

       Ages later someone asked if I hadn't heard of the magical kabballah master who wears piles of Tzitzis. Turns out you have to pay and wait for months if you want his blessing which can remove leprocy and bring your love life back to life just by the power of words.   

       Then we had a night cook couple, man and wife, who were always complaining about the kids at the dorm of the Yeshiva highschool where I was a councelor while studying at university. Why don't they like their food he would ask, and if I gave him an answer with suggestions, he would go crazy. Still he liked to sit with me and confide in me, while his wife would ask if she could take some of the provisions to their meagre home. One night he confided in me. He had this idea to open a charity organization that gives food to starving children. It could be a good supplemental income. A few months later he told me he will be leaving his job. It was quite sudden, and definitely a success. I met him later that year giving out pamphlets that read: Mom, you promised us poultry for the Sabbath day! and the picture of a baked chicken, while begging for a small donation.   

       Fast forward. Today his organization is one of the biggest and best known feeding organizations. The picture with the poultry became prominent, since he stood these small cardboard constructions that look like the model of a house, with those words on them. You couldn't have been in Israel in the last 30 years and not spotted one. He still wears the same crumpled jacket, and nebbechdicke look on his face, but he's changed his Kippa to a black ultra-orthodox style Yarmulka and is one of the more successful philanthorpists in Israel.   

       So juggle the coats too.
pashute, Jul 02 2021

       The Gin Jiggler and sidekick named Tonic
sninctown, Jul 02 2021


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