h a l f b a k e r y
Not from concentrate.
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A simple idea: compose horoscopes that may be well
adjusted to the less adventurous soul.
"Have you been feeling an itch today, Aquarius? That's
probably because your cat has fleas. Don't scratch too
much, or you will develop an infection. Instead, treat
loving feline and all will be
right in the world."
"Pisces, the planets are especially aligned for you today.
The girl at the cafe may or may not give you a free
Kindly accept. Pass it on."
"Don't get out of bed, Aries. Seriously, don't. You're way
hungover to do anything productive today."
"If you have been feeling a little hesitant lately, Taurus,
it's because of your shower curtain. It simply doesn't
your soap. Rethink the decor in your toiletries and all will
be right in the world."
"Gemini, how could you? Premium gasoline? Come on.
Nobody is that important."
"A wise man once said: Tomorrow is today's excuse for
yesterday. Think about that, Sagittarius. Because I can't
"You have had difficultly in the grocery store lately, Leo.
That's okay. Ask a stranger for help. And then run."
||Or even the exact opposite. Horrorscopes.
||You will be changing a flat tyre and the jack will give way.
The car will
fall on your arm, crushing it into something resembling a
mashed noodle, just as a savage dog appears from a nearby
field, attracted by your painful cries for help. The dog is
foaming at the mouth with rabies..... a crowd of bemused
hillbillies gather, armed with pitchforks ready to prod the
dog into greater action should it falter. 'That's my dawg'
one of them shouts with delight. It starts to rain. You won't
be needing next week's Horrorscope readings.
||Or whoreoscopes - something about leering at women
hortiscopes - something about gardening
hoardoscopes - something about accumulating large amounts of rubbish
Hordeoscopes- something about being attacked by large groups of invaders
horacescopes - something about bitterly satirical happenings
horseoscopes - what names will win at the track
||"Scorpio, you will feel left out and list-less today."
||The problem with trivial details is that they tend
to be fairly precise, and therefore not open to the
wide interpretation that makes horoscopes
plausible to many stupid people.
||It did occur to me, though, that very specific and
unambiguous horoscopes would really, really freak
out the one person in ten thousand for whom
they proved to be accurate. "Libra: a fatal road
accident will happen two miles from your house
this afternoon, because you had fettucini for
dinner last night."
||Sp. "Thet's maaa daawg, Uheh Uheh !"
||Also, you missed the "Squeal like a pig !" bit. Thankfully.
||Also trivial horoscope should be considered a redundancy, or tautology.