Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Trollfinder General

None shall be spared ....
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(+8, -5)
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Between 1645 and 1647, Matthew Hopkins, the self-styled "Witchfinder General", held a reign of terror in parts of East Anglia. Maybe what the HalfBakery needs at the moment is to appoint a "Trollfinder General".

The original Witchfinder was remunerated strictly on a "payment by results" basis, and, amazingly, wherever he went, he never failed to find large numbers of witches. The Trollfinder General could recieve ex-gratia croissants on a similar basis. They would also be provided with a nice black uniform, a big tall wide-brimmed black hat with a silver buckle, and shiny close-fittting leather thigh boots.

HOW IT WORKS: The Trollfinder inspects any new ideas posted on the Bakery. If there is evidence of Trollcraft, the Trollfinder interrogates the suspected Troll by methods of his own choosing, including irony, sarcasm and vicious cross-examination. If he is satisfied that the Accused is a Troll, he sends out messages to the Good People of the Bakery, who assemble on the Village Green carrying rakes, scythes, billhooks, flaming torches, and faggots (In England, as sort of large meatball served with onion gravy). The Trollfinder addresses the group, hereafter refered to as "the mob", rousing them to a frenzy. They then set off to find the Troll, chanting "A Troll ! A Troll ! Burn ! Burn ! " and other peaceable civil-liberties-inspired slogans.

On finding the Troll, the Good People form up into an HB Kangaroo Court (q.v.) with the Trollfinder as Judge, and, having carried out a free and fair trial found the defendant guilty, execute him by whatever ingenious means come to mind, preferably involving the purifying effects of Flame.

The Trollfinder is then presented with a basket of croissants, and a Jus Primae Noctis voucher (not refundable for cash). The Good People return to their homes and bake ovens feeling smug, self-righteous and satisfied.

As to the Troll, who cares ?

Interviews for the post will take place shortly. Please annotate your qualifications and relevant experience to this page, explaining in no more than thirty words why you are the best candidate and why it isn't in any way cruel to trolls, indeed, they actually enjoy being hunted, and what's more it's good for them.

8th of 7, Jul 15 2002

I found one. http://www.photo.ne...e-troll-vert-68.tcl
[bristolz, Sep 06 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]


       One qualification I have is that I can count to thirty: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, ...oops.
beauxeault, Jul 15 2002

       yes, but dont forget the classical ethical dilemna: two trolls could mate & their offspring creates a cure for cancer. dare we flame trolls without full understanding of the possible implications? yeah, we should. a toasted pastry for 8th.
mymus, Jul 15 2002

       Ooh, [], you troll!
pottedstu, Jul 15 2002

       Before I apply, I'd like to see your qualifications, ye self appointed appointer of troll finders.
waugsqueke, Jul 16 2002

       Blindfolded, can spot troll 500 nautical miles away from shore while submerged thousand leagues undersea in concrete thigh boots on foggy moonless night during power outage and inky squid orgy.
thumbwax, Jul 16 2002

       waugsqueke: Matthew Hopkins was self-appointed and we see no reason to change the tradition; we are not intending to appoint anyone as Trollfinder, it will be up to the successful candidate to do that themselves. We have merely created a forum in which prospective Finders can show their wares, and we are certainly not seeking to appoint ourselves. However, applicants should be cautious in their choice, as they are likely to look out of their window at midnight and find their lawn occupied by a mob of HalfBakers chanting "Troll ! Troll !" if they are not of the True Faith ....   

       Look, all it comes down to is do you want the thigh-length shiny leather boots or not ?   

       So far it looks like Blissmiss slightly ahead of Thumbwax (mainy because the thought of Thumbwax in thigh boots gives us the dry heaves), with Waugsqueke reading the small print on the form, and Beauxeault back in his dungeon, gnawing at the straps ....
8th of 7, Jul 16 2002

       Actually, 8th, if you examine the applications carefully, I believe you'll find that mine remains the only valid one you've received.
beauxeault, Jul 16 2002

       Are you ready to try the boots for size, then ?
8th of 7, Jul 16 2002

       (Please, someone else submit a valid application. I don't really want to be Trollfinder General.)
beauxeault, Jul 16 2002

       beauxault: It's not exactly a challenging job. Just post a list of 50 or so halfbakers. If they argue, that proves they're trolls. And if they don't argue, then that's as good as an admission. Kill 'em all.
pottedstu, Jul 16 2002

       pottedstu: you seem to have the right mindset for the job.... what's youre shoe size ? Care to try the hat ?
8th of 7, Jul 16 2002

       The thought of me in thigh boots gives me the dry heaves too. I have shortened my application from thirty-seven words to thirty.
thumbwax, Jul 17 2002

       Thumbwax: you don't have to have the 4-inch stiletto heels if you don't want them ....
8th of 7, Jul 17 2002

       UnaBubba: "I don't need another job." .... Self-appointed HalfBakery Poet Laureate ? We think you get ten guineas a year an half a barrel of Sack (a sort of sherry).   

       Congratulations on your skilful adaptation of Mr. Carrol's work. "Trollawhacky" also comes to mind as a title ...
8th of 7, Jul 17 2002

       UnaBubba. You just gotta love 'im.
NickTheGreat, Sep 07 2002


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