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Truck Mirror Tree Trimmer

Prune them branches back!
  [vote for,

The side mirrors of large box trucks and semis frequently get maladjusted and flopped back when navigating near foliage. It's a tricky game of threading between the bushes or overhanging branches and the oncoming traffic.

RockCo proudly announces a vertical, side mirror mounted chain saw bar with vicious teeth guaranteed to chop through most intruding foliage at speeds up to 30 mph. Power is from a high speed electric motor or, on the Deluxe version, a PTO from the engine itself.

Just aft of the trimmer bar is an industrial blowtorch* to scorch the freshly cut nubs such that they do not grow back, occasionally immolating the entire plant.

Owners manual with cautions and warnings available at extra cost. Compliance not really necessary. Manufacturer not responsible for misuse, or indeed, proper use.

*Super Deluxe version

whatrock, Dec 24 2020


       We will give you a free half-page ad in the Acme-BorgCo catalog, if you will let us have one of these at cost for evaluation.   

8th of 7, Dec 24 2020

       + Yes! I would like a version of this for my car! I live in the woods and a lot of back roads are narrow and sometimes you have to navigate giant potholes or mud slides, pushing you more to the side of the road where those branches scratch my car! Thank you.
xandram, Dec 24 2020

       So I was driving through a large group of "trees" the other day, and I noticed that some of the "foliage" tended to dent my truck. There were even some "trees" that "dropped" "pinecones" at my truck. One of those pinecones nearly hit my head!   

       So my question is, do you sell a version with extra large blowtorches?
Voice, Dec 24 2020

       That's a nasty cough you've got there, [Voice]. Any other symptoms ? Elevated temperature, loss of sense of smell or taste ?   

       Whatever ... would you mind standing just a little closer to the edge of the kerb ? We just need to try out this lovely new accessory for the truck ...
8th of 7, Dec 24 2020

       Early in its development our blowtorch guy (known to, somewhat trusted and readily loaned out by [Max]) spec'd military-grade flamethrowers instead of the comparably more mundane blowtorches we later settled on. The issue was where to mount the large external fuel tanks as the fellow would burn through buckets of fuel during a simple trip to the market. After several embarrassing confrontations with city officials we suggested the various exfoliated stretches of roadway be turned into airfields, we returned our "expert" from whence he came and fitted blowtorches instead, fuel sourced from the vehicle's fuel tank.

The test mule still sits in the back like some vehicle from hell, nozzles blackened, bodywork scorched and streaked with carbon, energy drink cans and bubble gum wrappers littering the floor, tanks surprisingly still half full.

So, [Voice], I suppose we could ship it over to you for "evaluation purposes" for a lengthy period of time...
whatrock, Dec 24 2020

       [8th], the initial version featured a terawatt laser in place of the chainsaws but was nixed because the on- board generator was too heavy, loud and had its own fuel issues. We can loan that out today as we've been meaning to free up access to the back doors and emergency exits. England, right?
whatrock, Dec 24 2020

       Just box up the kit and put it out in the open ... we'll beam it on board. Thanks !   

       You got artwork for that advert, or shall we do some for you ? No charge.
8th of 7, Dec 24 2020

       Some artwork would be most appreciated, but please no images of terror-stricken wildlife fleeing for their lives like in the previous ads. That didn't go over so well.
whatrock, Dec 24 2020

       Don't worry, Acme-BorgCo has endeavoured to entirely drop its connection with Sturton, but it's proving very difficult; he's unaccountably and unpleasantly sticky ...   

       None of the usual polar and non-polar solvents seem to work. However, we have made it very clear that we won't be sub-contracting any more work unless we receive guarantees of better behaviour.
8th of 7, Dec 24 2020

       //a large group of "trees" //   

       I'm sure we've covered this topic before; if you want to protect your vehicle while murdering nearby pedestrians, the solution is hull-mounted flechette grenades.   

       On the other hand, [Voice], you could bear in mind that most trees, most of the time, manage to get along without overt violence and, according to Pinker, this is getting more true over time. So has it ever occurred to you to make like the Prince of Wales, get out of your truck and talk to the trees?   

       After all, it's Christmas, and what is Christmas all about if not offering negotiations before you arm your flechette grenades?
pertinax, Dec 25 2020

       // what is Christmas all about //   

       Malice, resentment, bitterness, boredom and despair.   

       Unless, that is, you somehow manage to avoid your in-laws...
8th of 7, Dec 25 2020

       [8th of 7], you are an incorrigible scapegrace, bless your little implants.   

       Just coal in the stocking this morning, then, I take it?
pertinax, Dec 25 2020

       <Pythonesque Yorkshireman>   

       "Coal ? You were lucky... we never'ad no coal..."   

       </Pythonesque Yorkshireman>   

       Oh, coal... coal burns, you can have great fun with coal...   

       No. No coal.   

       <Resumes screwing detonators into grenades/>
8th of 7, Dec 25 2020


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