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anti-n00bism software

no longer prove yourself a n00b, even if you are
  (+4, -12)(+4, -12)
(+4, -12)
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Like most people my age, I play a lot of online games and it never fails that whenever I start a new game I have so many things thrown at me as far as game mechanics, player slang, and various bits of netiquette that there is inevitably a moment where I must prove my stupidity by asking a seemingly innocent question that in actuality brands an indelible "n00b" stamp on my forehead and I know I'm not alone in this.

My solution? Have a simple text parser that you can input sentences and questions into. The software references it's local database (for quick n00b checks) or a larger online database (for thorough checks). Words, phrases and full sentences will be assigned values as to how n00bish one must be to ask questions or make statements about them. The software then comes up with a certainty percentage of how much it believes you said something n00bish.
If the percentage reaches, say 70%+ it will warn you about the probability of making an ass of yourself and also offer you a quick top 10 list of websites that have been shown useful in enlightening other retards such as yourself.
The online database's server would charge a minimal monthly fee to keep up with operating costs and users can opt to have their monthly fee reduced by half if they participate in weekly surveys where they assist in assigning the n00b value of newer words being introduced to the database.

Also, customers who pay the monthly fee and who frequently play online games would be allowed to download plug-ins for their favorite games so they would not have to minimize their game and open the program just to see if they're asking something stupid. The program would run in the background of the game and whenever the player typed something that broke the 70% certainty mark, the plug-in would prompt them if they would really like their statement to go through and also offer the same 10 links in an in-game window. Also, with the plug-ins, it could be possible to have the database queries narrowed down by default to topics previously known to be related to it's current game.

Also, because I know someone will say it: I didn't make this idea up just to say "n00b" a lot
scott_r_uber, Aug 28 2005


       1337speak is not neccessary here. "noob" is fine.   

       Is there something wrong with reading the instructions? It's served me well in the past.
Eugene, Aug 28 2005

       Is there something wrong with being a genuine newbie?   

       Although not experienced with gaming, I have found that I can learn a lot more if I am openly, and honestly, naive rather than if I am mis-representatively practiced.
bristolz, Aug 28 2005

       [Eugene], I knew someone would say something about my use of the word "n00b", and you're right it's not necessary to speak 1337, but I choose to use it as a way to establish magnitude. A n00b is worse than a noob, and a noob is worse than a newb.

Also, even if you have read the instructions there's still bits of lingo players start throwing around: abbreviations, slang terms and generally accepted unwritten rules that no game manual will tell you and if it was something simple you could bump into on a FAQ, the program would put the FAQ in the top 10 links.

[bristolz], a lot of people are like me in that they are annoyed when they are experienced in some field (in this example it's gaming) but have to deal with hecklers(which there are a of ton online, anonymity turns even the most cowardice people into lions when it comes to talking trash) when they start something new in their perspective fields and have to ask questions.

[Pa`ve], agreed, learning something new does take courage, but let's say something similar to your blue sky hook incident were to happen in an online setting and you had a way of knowing right off the bat that they were leading you on a wild goose chase, it would have earned you respect just as easily as your solution. Although you're talking about a situation beyond the internet which is kind of outside of the scope of the software I'm purposing. Still, kudos on turning the joke around on the other guys =)

[daseva], as "adept at kill with hands of bare" you are, you seem to be "inept at annotate with check of grammar"...
scott_r_uber, Aug 28 2005

       [scott] - nice idea - I'm not convinced that it will work though.   

       I'd put this clique-type behaviour you describe in the gaming community in the same category as I would put clique behaviour at school, in the aristocracy or anywhere where people gather together and play inconsequential social power games. It's natural human behaviour.   

       Groups differentiate, niche pieces of language or etiquette develop and the whole group is drifted off on this flotsam of words and rules of interaction until it achieves an identity of itself.   

       So your solution is to get someone to explain how all this web of rules works, grade it and write it up in a big database. For each new game, or online group that exists?   

       Fat chance.   

       More importantly, the task becomes a Sysiphean one when you remember that jargon and odd behaviours are developed within a group in order to provide it with some identity - that is, to be able to tell whether someone is 'in' or 'out' of that group is measurable by their behaviour. Try passing the port to the right at the captain's table and you'll see what I mean.   

       Furthermore, the people who form, develop or even enforce the rules of etiquette, receive some status from the group for doing so. Strangely enough, the most arcane rituals word usage and cliquery forms within groups where status is for one reason or another, seen as more important.
e.g. The Freemasons, Aristocracy, Army, Navy, Civil Service, The Halfbakery and yes, even on-line game servers.

       If an 'official' documentation of the group was completed (and infiltration by newbies made easy) suddenly, the status built up within the group by the pre-database members becomes devalued - very likely they will head off and form a brand new group, and develop a new, mutated set of language and rules of interaction. You just can't win with people sometimes.
zen_tom, Aug 29 2005

       On film sets we send the newbies off to fetch a piece of equipment called a...damn, I forgot what it was called. It looks kind of like a coke bottle. We also ask for liquid ND-9 occasionally.
Eugene, Aug 29 2005

       Its newb. Because they are new, not because "(noo) you dumb shit new person" so its not noob its NEWB. Your such a NEWB you dont know how to spell newb. Damn newbies, newbing it up. Newb Newbs Newbed Newbing Newbers Play a lot of starcraft do you?
Antegrity, Aug 29 2005

       For a start, I hope [Antegrity] is joking.   

       As an average young adult male I probably play more online games than [bristolz] and so I can confirm that being open about one's newness to the game generally meets with a good response. You'll only be cut down as a noob if you set yourself up as an old hand. Admit you're not used to the game, ask honest questions, thank the person that gives you the answer and you'll go a long way.
david_scothern, Aug 29 2005

       I think I'd rather the developers spent more time debugging so that the servers don't crash rather than a time- consuming feature such as this. Or on porting the game over to Mac, in the case of America's Army. Generally the only advice I have time to give is "don't get shot."
Eugene, Aug 29 2005

       [zen_tom], that's close to what I want to do, but I had a more simplified concept of how to do it. Text parsers have been around since the first "video games" and all they did was break words down the player entered and guess the player's intent and the game progressed that way.

All I plan to do is instead of having the text parser try to break down the meaning of the question it would check a database of words or phrases each with a 1-10 value for how unintelligent it would be to ask. A database like this could remain fairly small being that it would all be text. As far as seperated databases, I mean more or less a preset refined search that directed the program to words directly related to specific games, not a seperate database. Although the rest of your anno does make an interesting point that I'm not entirely sure I want to bother myself debating.

[david_scothern], maybe there's just more jackasses that feel it neccessary to pick on the ignorant on the games I play than the ones you do..

[Eugene], I'm not saying the game developers should make this software part of their games. I'm saying a third-party developer should offer it as an online service.
scott_r_uber, Aug 29 2005

       Hm. Ironic -- one sign of newb-ism in HB is repeated long-winded defenses of semi-shoddy ideas. Of course, I'm not one to talk.   

       I'm just trying to imagine how this idea would work in reality. You type a question, and the computer analyzes the text and responds with a link to a website, or on-screen help? What are you doing, in-game, while all this is going on? Getting your pasty ass wiped all over the map, is what. Or running in a corner somewhere while other players snicker.   

       I can see where a desire for something like this might occur in the first few hours of play. I remember, back in the day, when the 'net was so slow that you had time to study player guides and such while you waited for a game to download. There's nothing like being prepared ahead of time to help you get through the learning curve.   

       Besides, isn't half the fun of online play learning how to interact intelligently, work within the social structure, and eventually get the experience needed to, I dunno, not BE a newbie? If a person is scared of people knowing they're inexperienced, maybe they should just stay offline.
junglefish, Aug 29 2005

       Isn't being a "noob"; however you decide to spell it; part-and-parcle of being on the internet, and trying things out, making friends on the way that could give you hints, tips, ect. Allthough your idea could be very helpfull for perhaps people unsure of what their doing and feel like they need assistance, or just scared of being called a noob, or pherhaps people who dont have the balls to stand up and say there a noob, pherhaps ofcourse. But im sure there are sites somehwere which provide the information they need. *raises hand* im a noob..
Blackfish, Sep 01 2005

       We hashed this out in an mmorpg that i play(ed)...

       newb - somebody who's new to the game and doesn't know the ropes   

       noob - annoying person who typically wants you to do the work for him/her.   

       anyways, if you're scared of being known as a newb, there's many online forums dedicated to the more popular games where you can ask anonymously... but nobody minds "newbs", really.
FlyingToaster, Jan 27 2008


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