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joke detector

fed up of hearing the same uselss jokes?
  (+11, -1)(+11, -1)
(+11, -1)
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I keep hearing the same useless jokes (it probably doesn’t help that my surname is Kidney...) there can't be many of them that I haven't heard. Also you wouldn't want to tell someone a joke which they had already heard before and considered to be in bad taste.

My solution is a little device that everyone wears which contains a list of all the jokes you have heard and your reactions to them. When you want to tell someone a joke you get your device to connect to theirs to see weather they have heard it and how they reacted to similar jokes.

Im not realy sure that this is the right catagory for this though. If someone would care to sugest a better one...

RobertKidney, Jun 24 2001


       No, no! It is clearly Other Technology! The sooner available, the better.
The Military, Jun 24 2001

       Why stop with jokes? I could see a good market for this in pick-up lines and .com business proposals.
jutta, Jun 24 2001

       Most pick-up lines and .com business proposals *are* jokes.
The Military, Jun 24 2001

       It could also do trivia and riddles. If you were stuck for a joke you could get it to find out someones preferences and then steal a joke off someone else...
RobertKidney, Jun 25 2001

       I'm sure I've heard this one before.
angel, Jul 10 2001

       where... nobody can prove anything... no definately no proof... (I canot confirm or denny anything - well actualy I denny everything... saves trouble in the long run...)
RobertKidney, Jul 10 2001

       Could you fit me with multiple USB connections so that I could plug in to everyone else in my sense-of-humour-failure support group? We sit in a circle. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.
lewisgirl, Jul 10 2001

       I wonder, could one link to [globaltourniquet]'s Bizarre Metaphor Database and generate funny non-sequitur alternatives to the obvious punchlines?
The Military, Jul 10 2001

       with a very expensive new adapter and software package you can link it to anything... however you may not be very amusing if you actualy use the bizare metaphors...
RobertKidney, Jul 10 2001

       Oh no, I think that's exactly in the spirit of it. Was it somewhere else on this site that we suggested coming up with completely random ripostes? So you could jump in on the punch line with a non-sequitur... but it could be either completely unfunny, politically incorrect, or just simply weird. [goff], where are you? can I bong them yet?
lewisgirl, Jul 10 2001

       ahh, the uselss joke!   

       My uncle served on the u.s. elss.   

       It was quite a good joke, let me tell you!
benfrost, Jul 10 2001

       How about one that also tells if your interlocutor is telling a joke at all, or is desperately serious about whatever it is you're laughing in their face about?
dfowler, Aug 07 2001

       So, a general, searchable database of, 'I got bored with that N years ago, and no, I don't find it profound anymore'? Useful for putting off all those people who just discovered Ayn Rand, man's inhumanity to man, and true love.
protean, Aug 07 2001

       It would be handy to incorporate this technology into anything related to email/Usenet etc, and have it litter the offending post with smileys etc. It may reduce the number of pointless flame wars where one of the participants totally missed the fact that the other persons post was a joke.
Pallex, Aug 08 2001

       This Great Country's awful need for vast quantities of jokes is no laughing matter. The number of jokewriters in America would undoubtedly be one of the largest known. A joke detector could help identify New Talent to be processed in the Humor Mills. There could be drawings and contests on SNL. I'm interested in the Bizzare Metaphor Database. Is it searched by Non-SQL?
Poimandres, Sep 10 2001

       you could use this to find out how (by saying somthing) to make them do somthing eg.chat up lines that will work on them
GreeboMaster, Sep 11 2001

       why address each joke individually? Why not have them grouped by 'lewd', 'pun/turn-of-phrase', 'conundrum', 'inane', etc and then pre-rate the categories to save even more time? I generally don't think lewd jokes are very funny at all, but such witticisms as [lewisgirl]'s above consistently break me up.   

       ... And don't call me Shirley. ;)
absterge, Sep 12 2001

       I sort of see what you mean but you may eventualy come across one that you think funny. That said, I want to completely block knock knock jokes using mine...
RobertKidney, Sep 13 2001

       What happens if the JD(Joke Detector) encounters a German? Would it read "Modem unable to establish a connection?" Or the opposite extreme, an advertizing Executive? Would probably result in screen freeze, no? I mean "Wassuppp?""7UP yours!" Or what if for example you hooked the JD into a former guest of The Jerry Springer Show? Would the JD automatically send jolts of electricity through your CNS? Maybe the person in question just punches you in the face. That would seem appropriate. And what about those who really don't get intellectual humor, but if their JD had a translator that would keep sophisticated jokes from going over their head.... AOL 7.0, get it? LOL! I remember when we had AOL 2.5, but did anyone ever have AOL 1.0? And if so is it worth any money? Would the JD also work as a Joke Deflector, or is that also sold seperately? I could see Microsoft investing in this technology and then giving it away so that they can sell add ons, I mean the JD is a great idea but the money is in all the additional software needed. You know, I can't help but think someone has said all of this before in another time in another place, and I wonder if anybody out there will think this is remotely funny. I mean what if I'm really German?
FractalAxle, Nov 09 2001

       In the year 1998 I was running AOL 1.6 for DOS on my 16 mHz 386 with 2 MB of RAM.
Amishman35, Jun 15 2002

       Tell me if you've heard this one: World's Funniest Joke: Two men were hunting in New Jersey. Suddenly, one of them gasped, choked, turned purple, frothed at the mouth, and keeled over, dead. His buddy whipped out his cell phone and called 911. "Help," he told the 911 operator, "My friend just dropped dead!!! What should I do?" "Don't panic," said the operator, in a calm, reassuring voice. "We handle situations like this all the time, so calm down. First, we have to make certain he's really dead." "Okay," said the frantic caller. Just then, a gunshot was heard... "Now what?" he asked.
whlanteigne, Oct 05 2002

       The idea here reminded me of this joke: Guy gets sentenced to prison, and is led to his new cell. At lights out, he and his cellmate are chatting. In the background, he can hear the other prisoners talking in the darkness.   

       "27" he hears shouted in the darkness. Peals of laughter ring out. A different voice calls out "318". More laughter follows.   

       Intrigued, he asks his cellmate: "Whats the deal with calling out numbers?" "Well you gotta understand, man, that most of the guys in this wing have been in here for 20 years or more. So eventually you run out of new jokes to tell. Everyone's heard them all, in fact we all have them memorized."   

       "So we worked out a system where we numbered each joke. If you want to tell one, you can just call out the number."   

       The new prisoner chuckles. "Wow, thats neat. You think I can give it a try?" "Sure, newbie, give it a shot."   

       So he waits for a lull, and calls out loudly: "278!"   


       He tries another: "415!"   

       Dead silence.   

       He says to his cellmate, "Whats the deal?"   

       "What can I say, man, some people just can't tell a joke."
krelnik, Oct 17 2002

       Its great to see that the old halfbakery crowd haven't lost their sense of humour. I've just been reading some of these annotations and have had to take minute breaks between same for fear of keeling over with the weight of my newly acquired laughter lines. In fact so overcome with humour fatigue, i had to call on my neighbour, one Des O'connor to take over for a bit. Not only did it relieve my aching sides, but it gave him an opportunity to witness for himself the new highs that comedy across the globe has managed to reach. Congratulations people on a wonderful halfbaked team effort.   

       You may think these comments of the twins' are coloured by a large degree of sarcasm. I know that previous history at ye old annotations board leaves much to be desired. But i assure you i have changed my ways. I've been away, but now i am back, three cheers for the twins on their successful return, hip hip....   

       I'll tell you a joke, i'll bloody tell ye a joke, but then again, maybe not, all my jokes are very dirty and the good Dr Knob might be tuning in and we know what an old stickler he is for etiqutte on the web.   


       The twins   

       ps did you know that if you spell the Drs name backwards you get bonk, bonk hee hee hee.
garlic twins, Oct 17 2002

       Welcome back! Everyone will be so excited!
bristolz, Oct 17 2002

       Oh give me a gnome   

       Where my aunt edna don't roam   

       where the beer and the pinapples play.....
DesertFox, May 06 2004


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