Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Anti Bear Sleeping Bag

  [vote for,

It's middle of the night in the Canadian Rockies and you wake up to crunching branches and the unmistakable sound of a large grizzly bear sniffing around your tent. Seconds later as the grizzly crashes through the thin fabric of your tent, you sigh with relief. You are safely tucked in your cocoon like anti bear sleeping bag. The worst part of this whole experience is the sound of your camping neighbor's skull being crushed by the bear's jaws. You will never forget that sound. (the neighbor forgot to bring his anti bear sleeping bag).


- Soft and downy on the inside. Impenetrable, bite and gash resistant kevlar on the outside.

- There are cajan pepper filled pouches in strategic locations. As the bear tries to bite and claw at the sleeping bag, the pepper poweder is released. As the bear sniffs around the beast inhales it into its sensitive snout. This will cause it to cease further attempts at opening your sleeping bag.

- (optional) Ear plugs and/or a pre-popped popcorn as an emergency snack

ixnaum, Apr 16 2014

Zebra Snuggie http://www.ebay.com...01040399340?lpid=82
Just get a bear snuggie [blissmiss, Apr 16 2014]

Batesville Casket Company https://www.batesville.com/
I actually interviewed there once as an engineer. Talk about creepy. [RayfordSteele, Apr 16 2014]

Bear-proof autonomous vehicle Bear-proof_20autonomous_20vehicle
Shameless elf-promotion [8th of 7, Jan 08 2021]


       Objection one: Is there an even better category?   

       Objection two: Wasn't there a man who made a bear proof suit? This sleeping bag is going to weigh a ton and not be very comfortable to sleep in.   

       Objection three: What protects you from pepper inhalation? Oh, and I inadvertently trained a dog to like Cajun cooking attempting to wean him off of chewing expensive horse tack in this manner.   

       But my vote pending further input.
normzone, Apr 16 2014

       1) moved to product:camping   

       2) you would not want to sleep in a bear proof suit would you? This anti bear sleeping bag is soft and cozy on the inside. Too heavy? That sounds familiar. That's exactly what the camping neighbror was complaining about when I asked him why he didn't pack his anti bear sleeping bag. Look at him now.. his head is ripped off!   

       3) didn't think that one through. I enjoy spicy stuff so the thought of a bit of chili getting into my sleeping bag didn't bother me, but I can see that it might bother other people. Still, beats having your head ripped off! If you really want, maybe this sleeping bag can come with emergency snorkel like tube that you extend during the attack for fresh air supply. Bear learning to enjoy spicy stuff? I doubt it - it could happen I guess. You'll still be safe. The bear will move on eventually.
ixnaum, Apr 16 2014

       Let me guess, it comes in three sizes?
not_morrison_rm, Apr 16 2014

       // Impenetrable, bite and gash resistant kevlar on the outside //   

       Fair enough, but it's not crush-proof. The bear won't be able to bite your leg off, but he'll still break your femure. Also, when grizzlies find an impenetrable container filled with something yummy, they tend to bat it around for a while and lap up whatever drizzles out.
Alterother, Apr 16 2014

       What about a bear-like Snuggie. Then the bear will think you are a bear, and leave you alone. Or try and mate with you, depending on whether you are having a good or bad day, I guess.
blissmiss, Apr 16 2014

       Is this the point where I mention the NMRM Corp impenetrable bear bag kit?   

       It's like your idea except it has the ursine one inside the impenetrable bag, and the human on the outside.   

       You get three bags, so you can pick one that's not too big and not too small etc.   

       Kit comes with three bags, and blonde wig. And some porridge. And spoons. And one of those double-barreled H&H nitro rifles which in some jurisdictions are classed as artillery pieces.
not_morrison_rm, Apr 16 2014

       The bag just needs to inflate to hugely disproportionate sizes with you in the center and make unearthly noises at a moment's notice so that any bear after your pick-a-nick-a-basket is sufficiently frightened and confused by the sudden appearance of a giant Ranger Smith. Note that with this arrangement, I recommend sleeping outside the tent lest you crush your campmates against the tent wall upon inflation.   

       In the meantime, I recommend these guys as potential manufacturers for the crush-resistant hardshell variant of your sleeping bag. Linky.
RayfordSteele, Apr 16 2014

       //bag just needs to inflate to hugely disproportionate sizes with you in the center   

       Hmm, given the right gases, this would be lighter than air...so proving safe from bears without the gift of flight...
not_morrison_rm, Apr 16 2014

       Lion and elephant tend to leave people alone. Sounds like bear are attracted to people.   

       Small electric fences apparently keep out lion quite well (but maybe they just offer psychological comfort to their users), and I've heard about their being used for bears. Don't they work?
skoomphemph, Apr 16 2014

       An anti-bear Zorb, Shirley?
Alterother, Apr 16 2014

       I would imagine that the lion would scare the bears away somewhat.
pocmloc, Apr 16 2014

       No, it wouldn't. Bears are only scared of other bears. A grizzly could kill a lion with one swipe.   

       // Sounds like bear are attracted to people //   

       Technically, bears - being omnivorous scavengers - are attracted to people's food.   

       Elephants are herbivores and are uninterested in humans unless percieved as a threat. Lions are not terribly keen on humans as they tend to come in distasteful glass-and-steel wrapping. However, such wrapping (usually called a "car") presents no problem at all to the average peckish bear.   

       A quick walk round the "black museum" at Yellowstone park is sufficiently convincing for any doubter.   

       The second best anti-bear defence is to make sure you are a very long way from where there are any wild bears.   

       The best anti-bear defence is to be accompanied by a hand-reared tame pet bear, which is what one Canadian filmmaker has apparently done*. However, what to do with a pet bear which follows you round when you want to go somewhere with a "no bears" policy** is problematic.   

       *He claims they're "just good friends", but you never know with Canucks …   

       ** Based on an unrepresentative sample of 17 suburban retail establishments, including bars, fast food outlets, hairdressing salons, car parts suppliers and an artisan bakery, 100% of the establishments failed to have a "No Bears" sign.***   

       *** This may be different in your area.**** Please check before acquiring a baby bear and hand-rearing it as a house pet.   

       **** But perhaps not in parts of Canada, especially the ones where lots of people have pet bears, with whom they are "just good friends" *****   

8th of 7, Apr 16 2014

       The problem with elephant is that sometimes they get irritated. We woke one from a nap (or so it appeared), driving past, last December, and he tried to have a go at the friends following.   

       Elephant also get worse than irritated when in musth. You can find plenty of pics of people who didn't properly understand that when an elephant is between you and your destination, you change your schedule. Overtaking is a really, really dumb idea.   

       As far as this relates to sleeping bags goes, your only hope in the unlikely event of an elephant getting annoyed with your sleeping bag would be that somehow the tickle given by your little electric fence didn't make the elephant even more irritated. (And a way to get in the way would be to park on top of a favourite source of buried water -- it is possible, even if improbable.)   

       Zorb! Ah! An anti-elephant Zorb might actually work well, and eventually put the said pachyderm in a good mood. They always look pleased with themselves after breaking something or pushing it around. This would be a good one for Jackass if he's still alive.   

       And yes, I think if a lion saw a bear, it would be nervous.
skoomphemph, Apr 16 2014

       "I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than you."   

       A sleeping bag one can run in might also work.
popbottle, Apr 17 2014

       They make those. They call them 'pajamas.'   

       I considered the Zorb at first, but then thought the better of being in the middle of a clear ball which can simply be nudged downhill in bear country, which is usually not terribly level.
RayfordSteele, Apr 17 2014

       How about a sleeping bag that can run? Just mount it on one of those big robodogs from Boston Mechanics and it can also carry your gear.
Voice, Jan 08 2021

       ... including personal weapons ?   

       Is there a market for a bearproof tracked armoured vehicle for hikers ?   


8th of 7, Jan 08 2021


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