Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
The leaning tower of Piezo

idea: add, search, annotate, link, view, overview, recent, by name, random

meta: news, help, about, links, report a problem

account: browse anonymously, or get an account and write.

user:
pass:
register,


                                             

Drive Thru Wetnurse

  (+18, -2)(+18, -2)
(+18, -2)
  [vote for,
against]

You're on highway 13, and all the exit to home is still another half hour away. The baby in the back seat you said you would look after while Phillip and Gloria spent the day kayaking at Deliverance Falls, won't stop crying.

'He must need his bottle', you think to yourself.

Looking across, you realise little Brad's bottle laying on the passenger seat is empty. 'What am I going to do?' you wonder, 'if only he would be quiet - I could concentrate and . . ' But there in the distance, you spy what looks like a petrol station, with a tall sign high in the air. As you get closer, you can see that on the sign are two enormous breasts squirting neon milk across the early evening sky.

As you pull in, you realise this was at some stage a petrol station, as a row of disused bowsers sit lifelessly near where you park. Sitting equally as lifelessly on a banana lounge near the doorway to the store is a large woman in a thin flowing skirt, the cigarette that dangles from her over-lipsticked lips, spills ashes onto her ample chest. When she sees you she calls out something to someone inside, and lifts herself with considerable effort up onto her bare, dirty feet.

You would be sitting there in silence, if little Brad weren't screaming uncontrollably in the back seat, as she lurches herself slowly towards you. Unbuckling him from his harness you bring him forward and cradle him in your arms, cooing softly 'don't worry, dinner is nearly here.'

Bending down she peers thru your window, 'Whadda ya got for me ..' she croaks, the cigarette still burning down, hanging pendulously from her lips. The sight of her now is quite daunting, and in consideration of what Phillip and Gloria might say if they knew you had stopped at a Drive -Thru Wetnurse for little Brad, you only wind the window down half way.

The middle-aged woman leans forward, and with two quick movements, removes an enormous breast from her dress and stuffs it through the opening in the window, to reveal her large pink nipple to little Brad. Holding him up so he can feed properly, for once there is silence again - save for a gentle slurping, and the deep inhalations as the woman finishes her cigarette.

'Where's the mother?' she bellows, shooting you a strange one eyed stare through the window.

'Sh-she's kayaking at D-deliverance falls' you stammer, hoping silently for little Brad to hurry up.

'Deliverance?' she grunts, 'lot's a people get lost up in them falls.' Satiated little Brad finishes up with a cough and a splutter, and the woman reclaims her saddlebag.

'20 bucks', she croaks holding her hand open thru the window. You give it across, and return the baby into his harness.

'If they don't return,' she adds, laughing now through a toothless, decayed smile, 'I might be seein' you again reeeal soon. ha hah hahaha!.'

As you drive away as quickly as you can, you vow never to speak of this experience again.

benfrost, Jun 23 2005

Male breastfeeding http://www.unassist...ticles/milkmen.html
Not only women can produce milk on demand... [bristolz, Jun 23 2005]

Baby man http://www.phoenixn...9/news/feature.html
guaranteed customer... "At 54, William Windsor sleeps in a crib, eats in a high chair and does it in his diaper -- by choice" [xaviergisz, Jun 23 2005]

[link]






       Hmm. I'm going to go bleach my eyes now.
Detly, Jun 23 2005
  

       Possibly your finest idea ever [ben], certainly brightened Thursday up for me [+].
DocBrown, Jun 23 2005
  

       I would shoot anyone who did that to a baby. [-]
maximus5, Jun 23 2005
  

       Moral equivalence can be a terrible thing.
st3f, Jun 23 2005
  

       Heh, st3f.
calum, Jun 23 2005
  

       You know, for some reason the only bit of this I have a problem with is the cigarette. [+]
david_scothern, Jun 23 2005
  

       haha! [david]
maximus5, Jun 23 2005
  

       Slight problem, women only produce milk for a few months after giving birth. If you want them womanned constantly then a LOT of sex is going to have to happen...
CloakedBeauty, Jun 23 2005
  

       Can almost hear the banjo's.   

       You'd shoot someone for feeding a child [maximus5]? Are you currently incarcerated or still in the "planning spree" phase?
DocBrown, Jun 23 2005
  

       CB, I was breast fed for two years and I've heard of women still feeding their children at 4. I think while there is a demand, the supply keeps up!   

       BF,have you never heard of expressed milk for emergency feeds?
po, Jun 23 2005
  

       A woman will continue to lactate until the demand for milk ceases. The discontinuation (is that a word? if so did I spell it correctly?) of milk production can be quite painful and is accompanied by much leakage.
ato_de, Jun 23 2005
  

       [po] I've *seen* women breastfeed their 4-year-old children. Slightly unsettling.
hippo, Jun 23 2005
  

       Bitty?
gnomethang, Jun 23 2005
  

       [gnomethang] those sketches on Little Britain just make me cringe.   

       This thought is going to haunt my mind for a long, long, time, so bun.
froglet, Jun 23 2005
  

       [benfrost], you are one sick puppy.
angel, Jun 23 2005
  

       Why a dedicated business? Couldn't this be added to existing drive-thru's at, say, Taco Bell?   

       Or, is it a dedicated business because she's selling a few other of benfrost's products?
sophocles, Jun 23 2005
  

       [CloakedBeauty] you need to check your facts.
bristolz, Jun 23 2005
  

       Is there really enough demand to set up a shop for this? How about branching out and making an amalgamation of other creepy services?   

       I can see it now "The Crack House Supply" stores, providing bulk savings on such items as weapony, meth lab glassware and ingredients, pre-soiled sheets, booze, rotten food, and -of course- baby care!   

       And here I thought this was a companion to my Curb Side Blow Job idea
theircompetitor, Jun 24 2005
  
      
[annotate]
  


 

back: main index

business  computer  culture  fashion  food  halfbakery  home  other  product  public  science  sport  vehicle