Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Eau de Boss Dog

Give your pooch a promotion.
  (+2, -1)
(+2, -1)
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Everyone knows dogs are hierarchical. Each dog knows its relative place in the pack, and when two strange dogs meet one another for the first time, it only takes a quick sniff and they know their relative ranks. Rank does not seem to correlate with size or strength - everyone knows of a bossy poodle who lords it over the household's great dane. This fact, plus the interest with which dogs investigate the shrubs and poles they encounter, convinces me that dogs have a pheromonal equivalent to stripes on the sleeve, marking their rank for all other dogs to smell and know.

A series of experiments should determine what this pheromone is. A given dog could be housed with several dogs of known dominance, and his urine serially examined using gas chromatography. Serial examinations would be needed to control for the influence of diet or other unrelated metabolic factors. Next, house your test dog with several submissive low rank dogs and again evaluate the urine for volatiles. The changed elements must correspond to rank.

Once determined, this chemical could be mass produced. A light application to your dog or addition to his feed would effectively promote him to Emperor of All Dogs. Roaming curs who once growled your poor pooch into submission would now cringe in fear at his lordly stink. Your dog would walk with a new spring in his step, tail held high. The only problem I can forsee might be if your dog took his prosthetic rank too seriously, and began to sleep on your bed, growl at the kids etc. It might be necessary for family members to also use Eau de Boss Dog in small amounts, to preserve the structure of the pack.

bungston, Jan 12 2003


       <digression> Eau de Boss Hogg = Dukes of Hazzard perfume merchandise </digression>
Jinbish, Jan 12 2003

       So, key to a promotion at the office: find a way to get ahold of boss's underwear, and rub it all over your body...
RayfordSteele, Jan 12 2003

       That's what I did at the office party, and she was in them.
FarmerJohn, Jan 13 2003

       Smells like Boss Dog, but isn't him.. must be his B*tch!
FloridaManatee, Jan 13 2003

       Isn't the boss dog the dog all the other dogs want to beat in a fight, so that they can be boss dog? Wont this just mean that all the toughest fighters will gravitate towards your dog so that they can become leader of the pack?
Tem42, Oct 03 2010

       Two words: "arms race."
mouseposture, Oct 03 2010

       /the dog all the other dogs want to beat in a fight, so that they can be boss dog? /   

       I think that there is a principle one invokes to combat this. I will have to look up Rumsfeld's quotes. "Overwhelming response" or something of the sort. The idea that if you want to fight your way up the ladder, you want to start at a lower rung than the one I am on.
bungston, Oct 04 2010

       [+] Saves me the trouble of posting it.
FlyingToaster, Apr 15 2018


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