Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Homeopathic Aromatherapeutic Reiki Reflexology

You know it makes money.
  [vote for,

Aromatherapy uses the application of essential oils to the skin, combined with massage, as a treatment.

Homeopathy uses extremely dilute solutions of active principles to treat disease.

Reflexology uses foot massage to improve health.

Reiki is a non-contact therapy based on the idea of "spiritual energy".

Now, the wealthy and credulous can receive the ultimate in fringe therapy from a BorgCo trained and certified practitioner, who will deliver multiple sessions (paid for in advance, no refunds) of Homeopathic Aromatherapeutic Reiki Reflexology.

The therapist assesses the patient, who then removes their footwear and lies on a couch. The therapist then applies a minuscule amount of essential oil to their hands and holds them a short distance from the soles of the patients feet for a few moments.

The patient replaces their footwear and leaves the clinic happy, refreshed, and pounds* lighter.

Further research is proceeding into incorporating colonic irrigation into the therapy (for a substantial extra charge) but customer resistance and a severe shortage of volunteers for clinical trials have severely hindered the scheme.

*or dollars, euro, roubles or whatever other currency the client has. All credit cards accepted.

8th of 7, Mar 04 2017


FlyingToaster, Mar 04 2017

       Leave a drawing pin on the couch, then add acupuncture to the bill.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 04 2017

       Too invasive ...   

       // treat the couch rather than the patient? //   

       Unfortunately a rigorous double-blind trial did not show conclusive evidence of benefit to the couch.
8th of 7, Mar 04 2017

       'Bless' ? Don't you dare come in here, parroting your unsubstantiated pseudo-religious claptrap, d'ye hear ? This is a properly run pseudo-scientific establishment, you know.
8th of 7, Mar 04 2017

       If you did two consecutive sessions of this, you could call it HARR HARR.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 04 2017

       Do you have anything to say before sentence of death is carried out ?
8th of 7, Mar 04 2017

       This could be added to regular medicine for detoxification and so, allowing actual scientific medical procedures to work without all the side effects. I mean in case you need medical treatment.
pashute, Mar 04 2017


       Ah yes, "detoxification". One of the great bollocks of modern life. There are any number of diets, creams, lotions and methods to "detoxify" the body. Strangely, no mention is ever made of what exactly these "toxins" are.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 04 2017

       We know this one ... phlogiston, luminiferous aether, orgone, unobtainium and light water.
8th of 7, Mar 04 2017

       // airtight //   

       Is it permissible to install a single small hatch in the centre of the roof ? Otherwise, how are you going to get the Zyklon-B granules inside ?   

       Those inside should be allowed some minor concession to moderate their suffering, however brief; we suggest that they be permitted to take their pet cats (but not dogs*).   

       Should they lack a cat, then one will be provided free of charge. If they are allergic to cats, then two will be provided free of charge.   

       *Chihuahuas, not being dogs but in fact a distinct species of noisy rodent, will be encouraged.
8th of 7, Mar 04 2017

       Add "ist" to the end of your title, and you have my daughter's title, perfectly, thank you.
blissmiss, Mar 04 2017

       Isn't detoxification trying to get rid of the crud in the corners, that builds up over experiences?
wjt, Mar 05 2017

       // my daughter's title //   


       <dons running shoes>   

       Well, not surprising, she comes from a long line of hucksters, charlatans and snake-oil vendors...   

       <rapidly receeding sound of running feet>
8th of 7, Mar 05 2017

       What?! - no crystals?
hippo, Mar 05 2017

       Can you afford crystals ?
8th of 7, Mar 05 2017

       Oh dear … sorry, but crystals is extra.   

       We currently have a special offer on a course of leeches, quite reasonably priced … would that be of interest ?
8th of 7, Mar 05 2017

       That would be cheating, [8th]. Leeches can actually be useful, in a limited range of circumstances.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 05 2017

       Does the // limited range of circumstances // include "swallowed alive as a remedy for a perforated gastric ulcer" ? Because if not, more than one of our clients (possibly former clients by now) may have a serious problem …   

       We mean, you tell them, "just slip one under the tongue", but do they listen ? Ever ? No. No, they don't. Beats us why they bother to pay for professional medical advice* in the first place.   

       *They definitely pay for professional medical advice. They don't necessarily get it, but they certainly do pay what it ought to cost.
8th of 7, Mar 05 2017

       I was thinking more about their application to improve blood-flow to fingers and toes after re-attachment surgery.   

       Which reminds me - did you decide to cut the red or blue wire in the end? And had you really not guessed that it was actually the wire-cutters that were explosive?
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 05 2017

       We cut the blue wire, which fortunately was the correct one.   

       As to the wirecutters, tell Sturton that we will get him back forr that. It's not big, and it's not clever. Could have taken someone's eye out, those things …   

       Presumably he's still smarting from our little joke with the" fresh seafood platter" ? We thought a medley of cone shells, blue- ringed octopus, puffer fish and irukanji in a Marie-rose sauce would be … piquant ? Is that the right word ?   

       As to the leeches, this clinic does not offer a body part reattachment service - at least, not after last time. Was it you that told the Intercalary that was an anatomy book ? We made the offer of sheltered employment as a favour - the judge would never have released him so early otherwise. and then you have to mess it up for the sake of a cheap laugh (although to be fair, it was bloody hilarious. well, bloody, certainly).
8th of 7, Mar 05 2017

       //the" fresh seafood platter"// He says it was delicious, thank you. He also said to tell you that next time someone sells you "fugu", you should be a little more skeptical, especially if they're standing on the banks of a chalk stream with a fly rod.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 05 2017

       He seemed so convincing, with his spiel about "finest free-range organic fugu, guaranteed non-GM". Should have guessed, from that bleached-blonde hatchet-faced harridan carrying the basket. That's the last time we ever pay out good money for bloody "Duchy Originals" ... a right swindle. His lads are good chaps though, and his Dad's got a hilarious repertoire of very, very non-PC jokes.   

       His Mum's a bit humourless, though, holding all the notes up against the light and squinting at them, then looking in a mirror. Gods, she doesn't half put the gin away - nearly a full bottle in half an hour. Takes after her mother, we suppose.
8th of 7, Mar 05 2017

       //He seemed so convincing, // Quite so. Oh, and Sturton thought you should know that the blue-ringed octopus has blue rings on its legs and body, not its nose. And it has more legs and less fur.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 05 2017


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