Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Hygenic assistant

a plastic bag with a semi-solid ring for assistance with catching, with a supply of toilet paper
  (+1, -3)
(+1, -3)
  [vote for,

In battle situations where troops are pinned down by enemy fire, sometimes for days, hygiene is all but ignored. I'm not talking about putting your gun down and brushing your teeth (or attaching your toothrush, like a bayonet, to your muzzle, and idea that lasted only as long as it took to come up with it). I'm talking about troops having to defacate while lying down, because if they get up, they might get shot. This idea is basically a small stick, stuck down the back of your pants, with a small bag for catching feces. A solid ring helps hold the bag rigidly open, and a wad of toilet paper with a sterilizing solution on the end of the stick wipes suffiently enough to keep the soldier clean. Once done with his business, he tosses the bag and gets back to his task at hand.
twitch, Sep 20 2010


       On a bit of a roll today, eh [twitch]?
Boomershine, Sep 21 2010

       yeah i know.. had to get them out of my system. And this fetish about my buttocks.
twitch, Sep 21 2010

       So basically, it's a bedpan on a stick?
Alx_xlA, Sep 21 2010

       I've never heard something plastic to be called a pan, but if its a flexible disposable pan that included sterilizing wipes, then.. yes!
twitch, Sep 21 2010

       aw crap! (no pun intended), I added 15 ideas.. an odd number!! although.. 15 = 3 x 5, and 3 + 5 = 8, or 2 cubed. so i'm good!
twitch, Sep 21 2010

       This is the best we got for our military? First of all, we need details about how the bag is disposed of. I mean, does it seal airtight? Just a bunch of shit bags? Why not include a urination port as well? And a parachute and a capsule that can be used to shoot the auto igniting crap bags into enemy territory.   

       And, remember [twitch], two twos good three twos bad! Or something like that ... I don't know I was never a witch.
daseva, Sep 21 2010

       This is Baked by NASA for a number of space missions.
8th of 7, Sep 21 2010

       You've a whole sackful of ideas, haven't you, [twitch].
infidel, Sep 21 2010

       Can they somehow be turned into weapons?
{poop gernades}?
xandram, Sep 21 2010

       //this might just about put anyone off sausages for life...//   

       It's working for me already.
Boomershine, Sep 21 2010

       //something creative with an elasticated fitting and a load of sausage skin//   

       [morrison] - you are on the threshold of a brilliant idea!   

       Surely, it would not be so very difficult to devise some sort of suppository-cum-long-condom which, when appropriately inserted before going into a combat situation, would perform the necessary encasement on a continuous and ad-hoc basis?   

       There would be no need to cut-and-seal; the whole thing could be left in situ, providing much-needed bodily warmth, until either the end of the suppository-cum-long- condom is reached (oopsie), or situations change and allow for convenient disposal. (This idea may be compatible with the famous "tails for all"...)
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 21 2010

       // on a continuous and ad-hoc basis? //   

       Subject only to the limitations of trouser leg length ...   

       Utterly, utterly disgusting and horrible, [MB], you should be ashamed of yourself.
8th of 7, Sep 21 2010

       //[morrison] - you are on the threshold of a brilliant idea! //   

       A threshold over which Max has just driven an army tank, dragging some sort of sausage from one of his trouser legs.   

       Stay there [morrison].
Boomershine, Sep 21 2010

       I'm never eating black pudding again.
infidel, Sep 21 2010

       Urine is sterile, no need to bag that. Poo, I repeat, POO is not good to be sitting around in your pants! Were those astronauts lying down? I think they might have been floating.
twitch, Sep 22 2010

       Your mother tells us it never seemed to bother you when you were a kid, [twitch].
infidel, Sep 22 2010

       Hey! Those were genuine accidents, okay? And yes, I minded!
twitch, Sep 22 2010

       Freud would have got several books out of this thread ...
8th of 7, Sep 22 2010

       //I'm never eating black pudding again.//   

       [infidel] Up until now you were *enjoying* 'black pudding'? Like licorice...or pine tar pudding?!?
Boomershine, Sep 22 2010

       //Urine is sterile, no need to bag that.//   

       Hmm...I wonder why we even bother with urinals? Just let the urine go wherever it wants to go...makes sense, as [IanTindale] would say.
Boomershine, Sep 22 2010

       Yeah, tell that to my wife.. she's always getting on me for pissing in the bathtub!
twitch, Sep 22 2010

       Eurrgh [Marked-For-Excretion]
8th of 7, Sep 22 2010

       //Yeah, tell that to my wife.. she's always getting on me for pissing in the bathtub.//   

       I suppose she has a problem with the floating poo, as well?   

       Women. You cannot please them.
Boomershine, Sep 22 2010

       Is there really a need for this?   

       If there's a battle raging and I'm seriously at risk of being shot if I stand up (or squat), could I really think about taking a dump?   

       If I'm pinned down and need to stay prostrate to avoid being killed then surely taking a dump is way down my list of things to do.   

       Defence procurement is in the news recently, and from the sound of it a bit of kit like this could end up costing quite a bit. I wonder if the soldier would prefer better body armour, better med-kits, or a little share in a helicopter.   

       Obviously I'm coming from a non-combatant position of inexperience, so apologies (and respect) to all those brave soldiers who have experience of this problem.
Tulaine, Sep 22 2010

       apologize to the brave marines in the battle for Iwo Jima. And yes, this was the case for them. They had to go in their pants, as they were pinned down, for several days sometimes.
twitch, Sep 23 2010

       Sharing this somewhat jarring bit of historical detail with us in the description of your idea would have given it a much better, or at least more serious, response [twitch]...I think.
Boomershine, Sep 23 2010


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