Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Key Swallowing Prison

deter burglars by instilling a key/lock/door phobia
(+7, -7)
  [vote for,

In the Key Swallowing Prison each prisoner's sentence is determined by the speed of operation of their alimentary canal. This because they must swallow the equivalent number of keys to a number of doors that correspond to their time in prison.

Here's how it works: Prisoner A is sentenced to 100 keys. On day one they swallow a numbered key. When they produce that key, and it opens the appropriate high security door, they are presented with the next key etc etc, until all 100 locks have been opened. The final key opens a door unto a busy street, and they are free.

Naturally the keys are designed so that they cause no injury to the prisoner's internal organs, but the entire exercise is calculated to create a lasting deterrant and a deep sense of foreboding at the prospect of entering other people's property.

I know it's a totally stupid idea... but that's the joy of the Halfbakery.

xenzag, Mar 04 2010

chocolate keys for me and [po]!! http://www.ceremoni.../chocolatekeylg.jpg
[xandram, Mar 04 2010]

The Human Centipede http://en.wikipedia...de_(First_Sequence)
a film [calum, Mar 05 2010]

Elephants on a rope Elephants-on-a-rope
by neelandan. [calum, Mar 05 2010]


       For the most serious crimes, maybe the keys should get gradually larger, starting with a tiny little luggage-lock key and ending with a 250 year old cast-iron monstrosity that looks like it opens a cathedral.
Wrongfellow, Mar 04 2010

       so you create a phobia of keys in a criminal whose m.o. is usually by entering through a window!
po, Mar 04 2010

       not suggesting anything...   

       thanks [xandram] that will do nicely.
po, Mar 04 2010

       Dissolving keys (rock hard chocolate) are given to those on a life sentence, only they are not told this.
xenzag, Mar 04 2010

       I'm afraid to ask what the death penalty would be.   

       involves a deep fried Mars bar!
po, Mar 04 2010

       No, i think it would involve being locked in thirty thousand nested boxes.
nineteenthly, Mar 04 2010

       [marked-for-deletion] by me.... reason - too far outside of my usual parameters.
xenzag, Mar 05 2010

       Oh no! Please keep it! It could take you in a whole new direction.
nineteenthly, Mar 05 2010

       This is a Freudian nightmare. And icky.
zen_tom, Mar 05 2010

       You say that like it's a bad thing.
nineteenthly, Mar 05 2010

       To be fair, Freudian Analysis is kind of damning from the outset because nobody ever gets the chance to be described in terms of their cute bunny rabbit fixation, or to have pleasant feelings in terms of rainbows and lollypops; It's all cocks, repressed incest, shit and tits.   

       Having said that, getting prisoners to pick through their own extrement is kind of ewww whichever way you look at it.
zen_tom, Mar 05 2010

       Perhaps, if we're skating from merely rummaging around in keech and towards the the generally revolting, the Human Centipede approach could be applied, each prisoner attached to the back of the chain that is as long in humans as the individual's sentence is days long, the key being fed to the soon-to-be-released centipede head and passed through and through and through to the individual, who has FIFO-style, crept to the head of the chain, each day bringing a new prisoner at the rear and a new key fed into a new head.
calum, Mar 05 2010

       Your friends on the outside, instead of smuggling you a file concealed in a cake, will bring you a laxative-laced pastry instead.
mouseposture, Mar 05 2010

       How about using the food condom idea from elsewhere on here? Get them to swallow a kilometre-long sheath of plastic. When it comes out the other end, get the next inmate to swallow it, suitably sterilised, until you get about a hundred prisoners threaded together through their GI tracts with the key gradually passing through all the digestive systems in turn. Then the last prisoner gets to unlock the single door.
nineteenthly, Mar 05 2010


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