Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Non-touchscreen alert

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Tablet computers have touchscreens; they may also have add-on keyboards. Some desktop computers have touchscreens, but most don't. Some netbooks have touchscreens - some don't.

Some users seem to have great difficulty remembering if the display they are currently using is a touchscreen or not; frequently, they poke aimlessly at the little coloured pictures with their huge, clumsy, salami-sized fingers, encrusted with a rich layer of biological detritus, leaving unpleasant marks on the display and requiring subsequent cleaning with aggressive biocides, or in severe cases, high-temperature incineration*.

However, non-touchscreen users who are driven to physical violence by the digit-prodding antics of mouth-breathing numpties now have a remedy. Just affix the new BorgCo Screen Touch Alerter to the top edge of the display. A scanning infrared laser detects the approaching appendage and - depending on the options selected - reacts appropriately. For example, the basic model merely emits a loud, irritating squeal, whereas the mid range version can fire a tiny taser dart. The deluxe version (produced in conjunction with MaxCo Biosynthetics and Didgeridoo Repair inc.) fires a tiny soluble dart containing a mixture of Irukandji and Stonefish venoms, causing prolonged, excruciating pain.

*The incineration may be of the contaminated display, the offender, or both. The latter is a more effective long term solution.

8th of 7, Jul 02 2019


       Alternatively you could require the non-touchscreen user to interact with all aspects of the physical world using a mouse or trackball connected to a robot arm.
pocmloc, Jul 02 2019

       Acceptable results have been obtained using a robotic arm, employed to administer a sharp blow to the back of the head of "touchers" ...
8th of 7, Jul 02 2019

       I use a Wacom tablet, connected to my (work) Win 10 desktop.
Unfortunately, a (widely known but strangely ignored by both companies) glitch means that the computer thinks that the tablet is a touchscreen. It isn't (although I would like to upgrade to a Cintiq so it is...).
However, this means some things work as if it IS a touchscreen, screwing up the way I interact with my work.
neutrinos_shadow, Jul 03 2019

       Cintiqs are touchscreens now? They weren't when I last tried one (probably about 15 years ago—the rep at the booth reminded me that it was okay to rest my hand on it when using the stylus), but it makes sense that they would be now. Apparently even the new Intuos tablets take touch input now.   

       I have an Intuos3 at home that I haven't plugged in in about 10 years —I wonder if it would still be recognized by macOS or Windows. (OK… Google tells me it won't work properly with Windows 10.) I also have some other tablets (one older Wacom, not sure of the model, and at least one other brand one I think) that I've never tried since I got them (within the last two years, for free) but they probably wouldn't work on any modern computer without some hacking.   

       I haven't really looked into drawing tablets much since Graphire was a current product line…
notexactly, Jul 10 2019


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