One-Armed Diet Bandit

Available in hardware or as a phone app, the OADB's software is loaded with specific caloric and nutrient requirements of the dieter, as well as cooking abilities.

Pump the arm (tap the glass) and, after a bit of whirring and clanking, the machine spits out the next meal plan.

It seems mostly random - you might get assigned 5 lunches of rice cakes in a row before hitting the jackpot with roti de boeuf au jus - but the program does take care not to stretch it too far out into anorexia or gluttony: it's programmed for full nutritional balancing over a period of days/week. A bit "paleo" in that respect.

Gone is the spreadsheet where the victim sees endless months/years of bland subnutrition, boredom and hunger pains. Gone are diet videos where some halfwit prattles on about how delicious their bean curds and sprouts are.

Punch in "eat in" or "eat out" and the app finds a suitable grocery store or restaurant.