Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Precancerous Crunch

Stays crunchy and discolored in milk.
  (+5, -2)
(+5, -2)
  [vote for,

[Advertisement opens in kitchen. Two young boys, BOY 1 and BOY 2, are seated on adjacent stools at the breakfast table. BOY 1 pours cereal into his bowl, and examines it with a pocket magnifying lens.]

BOY 2: What's that you've got in your bowl?

BOY 1: Precancerous Crunch, of course! It's my favorite.

BOY 2: Say, what're those little red bits?

BOY 1: They're the marshmellow melanomas. I just check against the box's handy list of criteria to see if they're malignant.

[Camera moves to behind BOY 1 and shows box's colorful chart.]

A is for asymmetrical, B is for borders that are uneven or irregular, C stands for a color varying from one area to another, D is for diameter larger than 6mm, and E is for enlargement over time!

BOY 2: Gee, that's swell! But how do I know which are malignant and which are benign?

[Close shot of cereal shown with trademark cereal commercial-style splash of milk.]

BOY 1: It's simple- just add milk, and the benign marshmallows turn blue!

VOICEOVER: Precancerous Crunch-- the only cereal with 13 essential vitamins and minerals, as well as official recognition by the National Cancer Institute.

BOY 2: Wow! This mole on my arm meets three of the five criteria for being a malignant melanoma! I'd better go speak to my licensed dermatologist. Thanks, Precancerous Crunch!

VOICEOVER: And for a limited time, you can send in 5 box tops for this awesome do-it-yourself biopsy kit. Be the envy of all your pals!

Author's Note: [bwv61] seems to get the idea here! It'a got that 'try and gross out mom' factor kids love, but they are actually learning something. Plus, a product tie-in with Banana Boat could work wonders for both brands.

Aude Sapere, Aug 27 2004

Inspired By. http://www.halfbake...a/Cannibal_20Crunch
Cannibal Crunch, by [Linuxthess]. [Aude Sapere, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]


       Er...educational, to say the least.
Machiavelli, Aug 27 2004

       [throws up] Yes it's educational. Yes, I admire the sentiment, but there's something about this idea that... [reaches for bucket again]
st3f, Aug 27 2004

       I'm not sure that this would catch on. For some reason.
harderthanjesus, Aug 27 2004

       Dead kids take up a lot of space and you'd get bored of it after you've taken out all the organs and made a puppet show. Er...probably.
harderthanjesus, Aug 27 2004

       This could qualify as emergency disaster relief in Australia. Poor ozone-less whities...
GutPunchLullabies, Aug 27 2004

       okay, I get it now. I thought that it was a cereal that gives kids cancer.
schematics, Aug 27 2004

       As long as it doesn't teach the kids how to check for prostate cancer, we're good.
destructionism, Aug 27 2004

       -Welcome home- did not know who you were. Still not understanding the idea so well though. Maybe you will email me and clarify. (Profile page).
blissmiss, Aug 27 2004

       Nice to see you again, [Ms.]!
Aude Sapere, Aug 27 2004

       And, for your 8-going-on-13 year old son, testicular precancerous crunch.
phundug, Aug 27 2004

       What link?
Aude Sapere, Aug 28 2004

       <looking at his profile> Fifteen! The kid’s some kind of Ferris Bueller. Anyway, I’m voting for it. (If he were thirty, maybe not.)
ldischler, Aug 29 2004

       'Some kind of Ferris Bueller' is quite possibly the best compliment I've ever recieved, but don't give me a pity croissant if the idea doesn't deserve one.
Aude Sapere, Aug 29 2004

       Pity? Ain't no stinking pity. It's youth! (I only wish I'd though of mentioning that I was only twelve when I first started here.)
ldischler, Aug 30 2004

       Living in Australia and having fair-skinned children, I would buy this. [+]
pertinax, Dec 29 2006

       No should have to think about cancer first thing in the morning. I don't think its the best way to start to your day.
flynn, Jan 06 2007


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