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Rhinitis mask

What the well dressed sneezer is wearing ...
  [vote for,

Strange to relate, despite the fact that a high proportion if the population are wearing face masks in public a lot of the time, bathing in sanitizing gel every 17 1/2 minutes, or cowering indoors under the bed with the curtains closed, having not ventured outside for months, nor experienced any interaction with another human being*, the incidence if the common cold in the working population does not seem to have diminished significantly; indeed using a "bit of a sniffle" as an excuse for throwing a sickie seems to have actually increased.

Hmm. Could it be that all these "protective" measures aren't actually achieving anything useful ...?

Perhaps so - but no matter, for we spy a Market Opportunity.

For those stricken with rhinitis, whatever the cause - be it allergic or viral - having a runny nose presents a problem when wearing a mask, particularly the disposable surgical type. In almost no time at all, a clearly visible and rather repellent damp “bloom” of moisture develops in the approximate centre of the mask, announcing to observers that the wearer is suffering from some dire affliction, and making them wonder if said mask should not be supplemented by the harsh clanging of a handbell and repetitive cry of “Udclead** ! Udclead !”

Of course, the more savvy mask-wearer chooses not the pathetic and useless non-face-sealing cloth strip mask, but one made from a conformal polymer, equipped with a vision panel, an activated-carbon filter and proper non-return valves; except that the now-unconstrained nasal exudations are then trapped inside the structure and progressively accumulate, eventually reaching the point where the wearer is in imminent jeopardy of choking on their own mucus. Of the two situations, it’s clear that being a social pariah is marginally preferable to self-induced drowning …

Not to mention the disagreeable consequences of sneezing.

Out of entirely unselfish humanitarian motives***, BorgCo have therefore developed a mask which has the simplicity of the cheap, disposable surgical product without the attendant hazards of Death By Bubbling. Under the strip of cheap, ineffectual tissue paper, a nasal cannula is concealed, with a pair of thin tubes passing up and over the tops of the ears via a small, relatively quiet**** battery-powered suction pump and a washable plastic bag reservoir concealed under clothing.

Depending on the size of the reservoir bag, and the virulence of the infection, the system can offer protection from embarrassment from anything between a few hours and a whole week – both night and day.

BorgCo are emphatically not responsible for any problems of any nature caused by incorrect insertion of the batteries, causing the pump to run in reverse. No, we’re not going to include a diode in the power circuit, as it would add a whole USD 3.24¢ per unit which we consider would unduly impact our profit margins.

*We characterise this group as “The Lucky Ones”.

**It would be “Unclean !”, if the crier had normal nasal function. (Sp./Pr. modified courtesy of [pertinax]).

*** The selfishness of motives can go up as well as down.

**** Compared to, for example, a typical commercial air compressor.

8th of 7, Sep 07 2020


       For your needs, a clear plastic bag will suffice. A draw-string around the neck area will ensure a nice airtight fit.
xenzag, Sep 07 2020

       Despite the lack of explosions, this idea has half-baked merit.   

       It's basically a mobile CPAP machine in reverse, continuous positive air suckage rather than pressure.   

       Rather than collect the drippage, perhaps a long exhaust system that trails down the pant leg to deposit a slick track behind the user. This prevents muggers and ninjas from having a firm foothold when plying their trade.   

       The deluxe model obviously has the ability to switch back to positive air pressure mode, for humid days where breathing assistance is required, in the absence of nasal exudate.   

       John Wayne-types will want Camp Teacup's version resembling a Scott Air-Pack™ if it were made from a ShopVac™.
Sgt Teacup, Sep 07 2020

       We will enquire as to whether Product Development have any plans to design an enhanced Über-Macho version for Germano-Hispanic customers.   

       // A draw-string around the neck area will ensure a nice airtight fit. //   

       We're not paying for any of your "extras", if you want to make yet more money from your sordid occupation then it appears that [kdf] will be an eager customer ....
8th of 7, Sep 07 2020

       If you want to do some prototyping, apparently [xen] has an extensive collection of gimp masks in a variety of materials, for the "benefit" of her Discerning Gentleman Clients ...
8th of 7, Sep 07 2020

       That's why astronauts are so keen on having "shirtsleeve conditions" to live and work in while in space; it's handy to have something to wipe your runny nose on ...
8th of 7, Sep 07 2020

       It's pretty ugly.   

       Thing is, if you have a sniffle, you're not going to be piloting (or indeed just a passenger in) an aircraft where a mask is required - not approved. You're off flying duty until you recover. Would you entrust a stupidly expensive bit of kit requiring consummate skill and intense concentration to operate into the hands of someone who's feeling "a bit off" today ?   

       There are very few civil aircraft which are unpressurised and require supplementary oxygen. Likewise, the rare and fortunate few who get to fly them don't do stupid things like flying when they have sniffles or a cold.   

       The exception tends to be those with hayfever who have symptoms on the ground, but are fine at altitude where there's no pollen - long before oxygen is needed.
8th of 7, Sep 08 2020

       sp. "Udclead!"
pertinax, Sep 08 2020

       Yes, you're right. Sp. fixed.
8th of 7, Sep 08 2020


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