I thought I'd posted this before, but I haven't.
Losing weight is an ongoing battle for most adults in developed
countries. It's all evolution's fault: we have been selected to enjoy
energy-rich foods when they are available, and to pile on the fat
safeguard against the inevitable
Unfortunately, famine has now become not only evitable, but
It's even worse, though: when we try to simulate a famine by
dieting, our clever metabolisms slow down and hoard every calorie
to help see us through.
This is not good news for a freelance consultant topologist in his
A while ago, I went through a brief phase of climbing trees with
daughter, Maxwell Jr. It only lasted a couple of weeks, and we
only climbed a dozen modest trees, but during this time I
lost about 10lb, even though I was probably developing a few
This led me to think. If evolution is as smart as it thinks it is,
should not be concerned solely with protecting against famine, but
with ensuring my survival in all contexts. Since we evolved
treeish creatures, there should be some genes in there that
to the sound of creaking branches and the sensation of bending
boughs, by saying "Whoa! We're back in the trees! Better shed
excess weight before we break something and die!" (Evolution
loves exclamation marks.)
This would explain why my brief flirtation with tree-climbing led
a sudden and un-earned weight loss. My good-old monkey genes
were looking out for me and dumping fat.
End of digression.
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investments) is proud to introduce its range of Skinny Monkey (tm)
Skinny Monkeys (available in a wide range of colours and flavours)
look like regular shoes, but have a cunningly designed two-inch
The platform sole has the advantage of lowering your BMI as soon
you put the Skinny Monkeys on, but it also has a more ingenious
mode of action.
Each pair of Skinny Monkeys contains a carefully-calibrated
mechanism which, when subjected to more than a certain load,
cause the platform to produce a creaking noise, then a splintering
noise, and then to collapse assymetrically, throwing you off
in an alarming and potentially hazardous way.
Once collapsed, the Skinny Monkey platform can be re-set using a
small lever in the arch of the shoe.
You will soon learn to walk lightly, and to tread gingerly when
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monkey-brain will quickly get the message and take action.
Be amazed as the weight simply falls off! As it does so, simply
adjust your Skinny Monkey Slimming Shoes, setting them to
at ever-lower loads.
Each pair is supplied with a lovingly embroidered disclaimer,
to Skinny Monkey Slimming Shoes. Skinny Monkey Slimming Shoes
- you heard it here first.