h a l f b a k e r y
Keep out of reach of children.
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This device uses a wireless microphone attached to the baby, feeding input to the main control box, which changes the baby's crying and/or cooing to that of a 300 pound Stevedore. Specialized circuitry detects the mood changes and adds crying, cursing, belly laughing as necessary. High quality speakers
then broadcast the sound into the surrounding area. (...I may consult with [csea] to add realism to the device...)
A separate option can provide a number of phrases to compliment the mood of the moment or at the push of a button. For example, if the baby is crying, the 300 pound Stevedore might say (in between heaving sobs), "...that Rowan Atkinson always makes me bawl..." Or, if the baby is giggling or laughing, the 300 pound Stevedore might say, "...HAW, HAW, HAW! Look, he pulled 'is head clean off!..."
Burglars casing the [apt/flat/residence] will immediately choose a less formidable challenge. (Most seasoned burglars are well aware of the Fake Guard Dog sounds [link].)
This device may be handy in social situations as well. Going to the theatre, restaurant, or ballet will no longer be off limits. People in the audience seem to regard the wide range of baby noises as quite annoying and don't mind letting you know it; whereas what may sound like a large man making the same sounds would make them less likely to turn around and express their displeasure.
And, Oh-By-The-Way, There ARE Girl Stevedores...
Granted, This One Doesn't Look Like a 300 Pounder... [Grogster, Sep 06 2010]
Oh, Please! This Is Practically An Invitation to Knock The Place Over
But the bad guys won't be sure what to do when they hear a 300 pound Stevedore! [Grogster, Sep 06 2010]
||I wonder what would be the effect on the child when it
reached speaking age? Would it get an inferiority
complex from not sounding like a 300 lb stevedore? Would it
develop a stevedore's voice? (Might be embarrassing if it
were a girl.)
||[mouse], I suspect that the child would quickly learn to use the voice to his/her advantage. If, perchance the child was in the supermarket and demanding, "...I WANT CANDY..." people in the next aisle over may very well feel compelled to toss some over. (And, see [link])
||We were at the beach today, and we saw the usual beach phenomena - there is no crying until it's time to go.
||At the showers there is all this screaming and sobbing, by youngsters who don't want their sand washed off. I can just picture the stevedore cursing...
||[-] Attempt to make babies acceptable.
||this was played out in some short story by D.F. Wallace. Eventually the devices translated the child's babbling into intelligent conversation and people were so repulsed that they stopped having children entirely. Its the old "careful what you wish would go away, it just might"