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T'ai Chi soccer

Very slow football
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(+4, -1)
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Cricket goes on and on for days, but soccer is over in ninety minutes plus injury time. Soccer, as opposed to American football i hear, has few breaks, but cricket breaks for lunch and tea, starts late and finishes early, and does loads of other stuff i can't pretend to grasp.

I suggest changing the rules of football to impose a maximum speed among players and the movement of the ball to one kilometre per hour. The rules in general remain the same with the exception of when the ball is thrown. Instead, the ball is nudged onto the pitch from the sidelines, very slowly. The game breaks for lunch and tea, starts at eleven a.m., finishes at five p.m. and has breaks between goals where the ball is repositioned in the centre of the field. Half time is still in place but involves an overnight break.

Even assuming the average speed of movement in a conventional game of soccer to be eight kph, this would extend the length of a game, ignoring breaks, to twelve hours or more.

Players also have to move in slow motion and balance, moving in the same way as far as possible as they would if they were playing at normal speed.

nineteenthly, May 15 2010

Not to be confused with... http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0286112/
Shaolin Soccer [Jinbish, May 15 2010]

simply slow down the replay A_20game_20no-one_20plays
[simonj, May 17 2010]

[link]






       The idea of a (low) maximum speed for the ball stands quite well on its own, without the Tai Chi or cricket-parody. [+]   

       (Would require some change to goal-keeping though.)
mouseposture, May 15 2010
  

       I disagree. I think you could just save the ball by doing some kind of Yoga asana or T'ai Chi movement as it gradually wends its way towards the goal mouth.
nineteenthly, May 15 2010
  

       How do you jump in slow motion?
DrWorm, May 15 2010
  

       Special Effects.
8th of 7, May 15 2010
  

       You could have a sort of baby bouncer thing suspended from scaffolding above the pitch.
nineteenthly, May 15 2010
  

       //baby bouncer// You'll never get serious athletes into that thing: too undignified. I suggest: hold matches on the moon. Why should golf be the only space-sport?   

       Yes, yes, I realize it would be a large technical challenge -- but I'm confident we can develop space suits with sufficiently flexible joints for Tai Chi.
mouseposture, May 15 2010
  

       If you played on Phobos, you'd have to be careful not to kick the ball too hard, lest it achieve escape velocity.
DrWorm, May 15 2010
  

       I read this as Chia tea soccer.   

       No really, I did.   

       Well, actually if you immersed everyone in tepid tea it would slow things down a bit. And you could play in a cup rather than for one, but it'd have to be quite big and probably transparent, but the spectators could sit in the saucer.
nineteenthly, May 16 2010
  

       For the league finals, though, you'd probably need something a bit larger ... some sort of, well, superbowl ?
8th of 7, May 16 2010
  

       I think if it were a superbowl, i'd prefer to use coffee and bake an enormous pastry crescent to dip into it and share among the spectators.
nineteenthly, May 16 2010
  

       //Well, actually if you immersed everyone in tepid tea it would slow things down a bit.// Mmmmm. Excuse me a moment while I just savor the surrealism.
mouseposture, May 16 2010
  

       I’ll put the kettle on.
Ian Tindale, May 17 2010
  

       Green tea or brown tea ?   

       Will there be lemons at half time ?
8th of 7, May 17 2010
  

       A way should be found to ensure the tea is stratified.
nineteenthly, May 18 2010
  

       Yes, they'd all be hyped up on sugar if it were sweet.
nineteenthly, May 18 2010
  

       Weighted suits and a heavy soccer ball? I'd feel kind of guilty drinking tea and watching them go at it like that though.
pppporkins, May 18 2010
  

       Yes, right now my mental picture is akin to those training pools used for astronauts.
nineteenthly, May 18 2010
  

       Football pools, then ?
8th of 7, May 18 2010
  

       Good point!
nineteenthly, May 18 2010
  

       Side betting would be steeped in controversy.   

       //steeped in controversy// Yes, all the players on both teams could justifiably be accused of taking a dive.
mouseposture, May 19 2010
  

       It would certainly bring a whole new meaning to "Cup Final".
8th of 7, May 19 2010
  

       "Oo long ball to Green... shoots... One - Nil Giri!
That's it. In the bag."
Jinbish, May 19 2010
  

       It's a steep learning curve, but I'll be able to tag these discussions soon, and will spout less, and look less of a mug.
pocmloc, May 19 2010
  

       "It's in the bag !"   

       Are contributors just going to contniue to milk this for puns ? If so, the outlook is pour ...
8th of 7, May 20 2010
  

       I've never played water-polo, but I have played underwater kung-fu.
zen_tom, May 20 2010
  

       Please go on.
nineteenthly, May 20 2010
  

       //the outlook is pour //

Oh dear! I sense trouble brewing.

Rather bizarrely, me & my brother went a small way to baking this idea in our youth. When we played football together out in the street (that tells you how long ago it was, doesn't it!) we used to re-enact any goals or blatant fouls or fabulous mazey dribbles as if we were part of a TV slow motion replay. It kept us entertained.
DrBob, May 20 2010
  

       Come to think of it, that does happen, [DrBob]. I suppose cricket could be speeded up too, but that's been done.
nineteenthly, May 20 2010
  

       Underwater kung fu, due to the viscous quality of the water, and the bouancy it provides, allows for the completion of moves (albeit at a much slower pace) that would require actual kung-fu prowess under normal conditions. My brothers and I used to play it at the beach.
zen_tom, May 20 2010
  

       How about, one side has to play at double speed whilst the other has to move at 1/4 speed? At half time the roles are reversed.
pocmloc, May 20 2010
  

       //I suppose cricket could be speeded up too// - you'd need a pretty good sound system to enable the crowd to hear the Benny Hill music properly
hippo, May 20 2010
  

       Useful for people with thyroid dysfunction.
nineteenthly, May 20 2010
  

       //as if we were part of a TV slow motion replay//
Actually, that's how the television networks do it. The high tech method got too expensive, so now they hire slow- motion players for the instant replays. It's highly skilled work, pays very well, and it's virtually impossible to get an entry level position unless you know someone who's already in the union.
mouseposture, May 20 2010
  
      
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