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Twin Axes Symmetropants

Everything happens in threes.
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Sighing and resigned I have trooped, for the third time, away from the toilet pan, having found my underpants on back to front yet again.

I propose a pair of underpants the rear half of which exactly mirrors the front, so that I can don my underpants in the morning, safe in the knowledge that they are always on the right way round.

calum, Mar 09 2005

Drop Gusset Rotatopants Drop_20Gusset_20Rotatopants
Do you remember the first time? [calum, Mar 09 2005]

Smarty Pants Smarty_20Pants
"Dressing Nightmare II: The Quickening" [calum, Mar 09 2005]

Designer scants just for [calum] http://members.cox....s%20for%20calum.bmp
just take this drawing to any tailor in town and he/she can make the knickers of your dreams [dentworth, Mar 11 2005]

[link]






       I thought that you bold Caledonians eschewed such fripperies.
angel, Mar 09 2005
  

       You must have a serious problem. Why don't you just put a big arrow on the front, nobody's gonna see, are they?
froglet, Mar 09 2005
  

       FFS, calum, just wear crotchless pants. That'll save you a whole lot of washroom acrobatics.
salachair, Mar 09 2005
  

       As I may have mentioned elsewhere, whey-faced, thin-lipped conservative presbyterianism is what the Law Society demands of each of her members, in all aspects of life, professional, personal and sartorial. If I was to turn up to work (or worse still, to a client meeting) in a kilt, They would find out. While I was advising Granny Snooks on blue chip companies, feeling the air conditioned breeze around my goolies, somewhere on the other side of Edinburgh, in offices ruled by grey and repressed LS members, a bony hand would be marking in the box beside my name a scratchy copperplate "Undesireable."   

       I dread to think what would become of me if they found that I was wearing a g-string or crotchless knickers. I suspect that I would be suspended from practice, forced to sell my smallholding, my family would be sent to the poorhouse, and I would be marched through the streets of the New Town, wearing a sandwich board bearing the legend "Deviant".   

       Anyway, in considering the progress of my problem and proposed solutions, a continuum of attitude emerged. With Drop Gusset Rotatopants, the solution was to treat the symptoms, with Smarty Pants, the solution was to prevent the problem and finally, with Twin Axes Symmetropants, cures the problem entirely. It can't be long 'til WHO come calling.
calum, Mar 10 2005
  

       somewhere in all that /I\ , did you address the solution of not wearing them at all?
po, Mar 10 2005
  

       Errr... no.
calum, Mar 10 2005
  

       Double-fly trousers are not far off.
FarmerJohn, Mar 10 2005
  

       i thought this was going to be metro- fashionable pants with a large spinning axe on each hip.   

       just go with out. or a colostomy bag.
changokun, Mar 10 2005
  

       po, there is no way calum could go without undergarments, for his breeks are a coarse Harris Tweed and the potential for goolie chafage does not bear thinking about.
salachair, Mar 10 2005
  

       oh I don't know, talcum powder is a wonderful thing. I thought the scots were supposed to be tough.
po, Mar 10 2005
  

       But think about it: if he liberally applied talcum powder to his undercarriage before dressing each morning then there would emanate from his nether regions a white puff every time he sat down.   

       Actually, you might be onto something there.
salachair, Mar 10 2005
  

       <considers posting an idea called "talcum dispensing puffpants">
salachair, Mar 10 2005
  

       Do it. I mean, please do it.
calum, Mar 10 2005
  

       you'd get a bun from me :)
po, Mar 10 2005
  

       I enjoy asking [calum] about the kilt at intervals simply for the literary magnificence of his replies.
angel, Mar 10 2005
  

       Puff the tragic Scotsman.
po, Mar 10 2005
  

       Yeah, angel, but what you perhaps don't realise is that he not only annotates like that, he also speaks like that.   

       All the time.   

       Sometimes, when he's on really top form, I fear my ears may start to bleed.
salachair, Mar 10 2005
  

       //he also speaks like that.//
Tremendous!
angel, Mar 10 2005
  

       I also was hoping for pants with axe-blades down the side seams - good for helping one get through tight-packed crowds. Um. Couldn't you just label your underwear "front" and "back" with a marker? Sort of like at camp when you had to write your name in all your undies in case you forgot who you were...
submitinkmonkey, Mar 10 2005
  

       how about motorized underpants that will automaticaly rotate if put on incorrectlly.
RBStimers, Mar 11 2005
  

       Do you dress in the dark, [calum]? I don't think I have managed to put my underwear on backwards in at least twenty years.   

       If the LS found out you made a habit of wearing your underwear backwards, would this be a problem? Or would it only be a problem if they could confirm it was a preference and not an accident? Do you think they ever visit this site?
Ichthus, Mar 11 2005
  

       Bun. Because the other day, for the first time in my life, I noticed that my pants were on backwards.
wagster, Mar 11 2005
  

       if stuffing a motor in your pants doesn't get you looked at sideways nothing will.   

       [calum] has thrice futily explained the ramifications of 1) crotchless underpants 2) no underpants 3) kilt wearing. I fear we will never hear his cry for help.   

       All I have to say is this, if you wake up wearing underwear all twisted round, [calum], you must be doing something right.
k_sra, Mar 11 2005
  

       OTOH, if you wake up wearing underwear at all, [calum], you're probably doing something wrong.
angel, Mar 11 2005
  

       "whey-faced, thin-lipped conservative presbyterianism " that means I'm qualified to join!   

       so sorry I came in late on this. I see your problem.... perhaps in a jersey knit... yes, I'll work on it. see link
dentworth, Mar 11 2005
  

       How about underpants built into your trousers themselves? Or do you also have a problem with putting your trousers on back to front as well?
Noexit, Mar 11 2005
  

       [angel] & [Brau], thank you!   

       It should be noted that I live in Scotland, where it is night roughly 75% of the year, meaning that I usually do get dressed in the dark, and always too early to be thinking straight.   

       [Icthus], I am certain that the scalpel sharp minds Law Societ minds at Drumsheugh Gardens are already well aware of my inability to dress myself in a manner befitting a member of the Legal Profession. However, even they would have a difficult time proving my backwards pants are a conscious and deliberate act, so I am safe for the time being. On the other hand, wearing women's knickers is a statutory offence, requiring no intent, so I must take the utmost care to ensure that my underwear falls within the bounds of acceptability.   

       Finally, a great big thank you to [dentworth] for the new scants. No-one's ever designed an undergarment for me! I'm off to buy some silk.
calum, Mar 12 2005
  

       if its illegal for you to wear women's knickers then the laws an ass. I believe you though, you're the legal bee's knees.
po, Mar 12 2005
  
      
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