Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Birth Bath

Experience the miracle of life every day.
  (+13, -2)(+13, -2)
(+13, -2)
  [vote for,
against]

It’s 6:15 a.m. You slip into your new Birth Bath and set the timer. The water is exactly 98.6 degrees and the room is almost completely dark. The only sounds you hear are a heartbeat and some muffled gibberish in the background. You quickly become so relaxed that you lose all sense of time and space.

Suddenly your reverie is shattered. All of your precious water is flushed out through a small tunnel at the head of the bath. The whole tub seems to come alive. It lurches forward and begins to slowly push you through the same impossibly small opening.

Fortunately the tube is expandable but it is still so tight you can hardly breathe. The tub has stopped pushing now and you see two giant stainless steel tongs creeping toward you menacingly. They firmly grip you by your torso and drag you a few more feet.

With one final tug, you burst through the exit into the blinding fluorescence of your kitchen. The tongs gently deposit you onto your favorite overstuffed sofa next to a freshly brewed cup of coffee.

Ahhh...it’s good to be alive.

Now off to work at the factory. Those toothpicks don’t sort themselves you know.

bneal27, Mar 18 2008

Being Boiled http://www.league-o...om/beingboiled.html
[Ian Tindale, Mar 18 2008]

Born Again Swimmingly born_20again_20swimmingly
Swimming pool version [xenzag, Mar 18 2008, last modified Mar 19 2008]

[link]






       Birthing yourself in the kitchen?   

       (I'm glad that we don't have a emoticon facility, I wouldn't know which one to use.)
skinflaps, Mar 18 2008
  

       Well you start in the bath, but end up in the kitchen.
bneal27, Mar 18 2008
  

       I'm giving this one a wide birth.   

       Nobody would survive the first paragraph - they'd all be boiled alive, if the temperature rose another 1.4°.
Ian Tindale, Mar 18 2008
  

       Not at all. That's our normal body temp here in the USA. That's just how tough we are.
bneal27, Mar 18 2008
  

       What? In degrees Kelvin? - Cool.
hippo, Mar 18 2008
  

       Is this going to leave a huge mess in the kitchen?
Noexit, Mar 18 2008
  

       Just as long as you don't get dumped in the sewers like The Matix...
DrCurry, Mar 18 2008
  

       It seems like a beautiful idea until I think of being spewed out with giant placenta...
xandram, Mar 18 2008
  

       OK, but why the forceps though? I've been at my babies' birthings (7 by now and no longer counting) since 1988 and I have yet to even see the things in the delivery room. Are we that advanced here?
globaltourniquet, Mar 18 2008
  

       7?
po, Mar 18 2008
  

       7. Seven. Siete. Sieben. Sept. Shichi. Sette.   

       Forceps are from long ago, when C-sections were not routine. These days if the baby burps in the birth canal the whole process is stopped and the baby is cut out.   

       Will your bath have the easy-out top-opening for traumatic cases?
globaltourniquet, Mar 18 2008
  

       7! applause (your wife/wives)
po, Mar 18 2008
  

       Singular, please. It's all I can handle of the gender.   

       I scoff at the average suicide bomber who thinks he can handle 72 of you lovely creatures in his heavenly abode.
globaltourniquet, Mar 18 2008
  

       For an extra poetic touch, include a free coffin bed with purchase of your birth bath.
+mw+, Mar 18 2008
  

       Sigh...you're right, xenzag. Although the purposes are very different, the actual machine would be similar to "Born Again Swimmingly". I never would have thought to look in the sports category. I will delete at your request.
bneal27, Mar 19 2008
  

       Don't delete - it's fine by me. In fact have this croissant. +
xenzag, Mar 19 2008
  

       My bun is pending the removal of the forceps. Not that you really care...
globaltourniquet, Mar 19 2008
  

       This would be pretty cool, if the birthing started on the second or third floor and you ended up in the kitchen via the tube twisting down the staircase.
skinflaps, Mar 19 2008
  

       “I don’t know nuttin bout birthin no babies!” (First person to name the movie gets a free bun)   

       Okay instead of forceps to extract the birthee, the Birth bath would be like a giant, rubbery syringe with breathing holes.   

       Times up!......Phlltttppppth!
bneal27, Mar 19 2008
  

       Gool call skinflaps. We might as well let gravity do some of the work. Thanks.
bneal27, Mar 19 2008
  

       can we have somebody at the other end turn you upside down and smack your butt 'til you scream ?.... please ?
FlyingToaster, Mar 19 2008
  

       Gone With The Wind. Where's my bun?
globaltourniquet, Mar 19 2008
  

       Excellent. Looks like you have plenty of great ideas to choose from so I'll pick out my favorite and bun away.
bneal27, Mar 19 2008
  

       skinflaps, don't even go there - its messy and painful and just leads to loads of laundry...
po, Mar 19 2008
  

       OK GT, I just bunned your Confederate flag post, and added my 2 cents as well.   

       Cheers.
bneal27, Mar 20 2008
  

       Would the starting place on the second or third floor be a womb with a view?
Canuck, Mar 20 2008
  

       Breaking News GT: Micro soft gene rally issued, Microsoft generally is sued!   

       (Bonus bun for the Diplodrome)
bneal27, Mar 20 2008
  

       Bun(+), just replace the forcepts with a suction cup that attaches to your head. Also, the tub should be only 3 feet long.
MisterQED, Mar 20 2008
  

       OK I get it. No one likes the forceps-but a giant skull-vac? Do you really think that's an improvement?   

       For 8 lb. babies maybe, but a 200 lb adult?
bneal27, Mar 20 2008
  

       Ummmm... I kept blacking out with every graphic visualization while reading this.
Jscotty, Mar 21 2008
  

       Or if you're upstairs, then you fall through a hole in the floor strapped to a placenta bungee cord. -> bouncy
quantum_flux, Mar 24 2008
  

       This would be very big in an obscure fetish market, I believe.
qt75rx1, Mar 24 2008
  

       Can't I get wrapped up in a fluffy towel?(+)
Voice, Mar 24 2008
  

       Ahhh…thank you Mr. [Voice] for choosing the Re-birth Health Spa and Resort. Yes, of course you may have a fresh towel. Also, don’t forget about our complimentary rodeo. It starts in one hour.
bneal27, Mar 25 2008
  

       The umbungeecal cord is a winner. Thank you [quantum].
bneal27, Mar 25 2008
  
      
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