Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Incriminating objects rapid deployment kit

For those, including myself, who have mundane private lives
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I have in mind a device, containing a car crash airbag, and a number of exciting objects. The device can be triggered remotely, from the entrance door of the dwelling.

When unexpected guests turn up, I could try and cover my extremely uninteresting private life by deploying the device which flings objects around the dwelling in a possibly attempt to make my life seem borderline interesting.

I suspect the kit could include, a signed photo of Lady Ga Ga, a bazooka, a brick of simulated gold, keys to a Porsche, deeds to a private island somewhere in the Caribbean, a bone saw, 97 empty bottles of whiskey, a robotic dinosaur (small), two welsh corgies (stuffed), a set of printing plates for $100 dollar bills, a set of discarded printing plated for Euro notes, assorted bones and finally knick-knacks from many countries I have not been to.

So, at the flick of switch and possibly only the most minor of friction burns from the airbag...

not_morrison_rm, Apr 29 2012

If any of these things are sitting around your living room... These_20are_20a_20f...e_20things_2e_2e_2e
Yep, you're a 'baker. [Alterother, May 01 2012]

[link]






       Can I also suggest a piece of paper carrying the message "171888114; turn key; select target; 33#33; hold down 'activate' button 5sec; 1688; 'launch'."   

       Also perhaps a crumpled shopping list including "hi- test fertilizer; gerbil; dishwasher tablets; lubricant; 3/8" bolts"
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 29 2012
  

       How sad ...   

       Most halfbakers have to scurry round hiding stuff when people visit ...   

       Such as a // bazooka //, or rather a LAAW and a Javelin, or parts thereof ...   

       // a brick of simulated gold, //   

       [MB] has real ones.   

       // keys to a Porsche, //   

       [MB] has a special room just for car keys, and a valet to polish them and saddle-soap the leather fobs ...   

       // deeds to a private island somewhere in the Caribbean, //   

       Again, [MB] has a special building for those...   

       // a bone saw //   

       Yup. With real bloodstains ...   

       // 97 empty bottles of whiskey //   

       <quiet counting>   

       68 partially filled bottles of Single Malt.   

       // a robotic dinosaur (small) //   

       In [UB]'s house there's a real dinosaur {large}. Usually found sitting in front of the computer, typing HB ideas ...   

       // two welsh corgies (stuffed) //   

       They keep better in the freezer.   

       // a set of printing plates for $100 dollar bills, a set of discarded printing plated for Euro notes //   

       Seems reasonable ...   

       // assorted bones //   

       Human, presumably ? Athough Panda has a certain cachet ...   

       // and finally knick-knacks from many countries I have not been to. //   

       Presumably also in your case knick-knacks from countries you have been to, and can't visit again for fear of prosecution ?
8th of 7, Apr 29 2012
  

       //a special room just for car keys, and a valet to polish them and saddle-soap the leather fobs//   

       D'you know, I rather think you might be right. I've always wondered what that room beneath the north observatory was for. I must make it down there one day and show my face.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 29 2012
  

       Yes, perhaps more useful would be the version containing normal things that a HalfBaker would normally never have in the house, such as, a box of tissues, today's newspaper, a carton of milk, a clean towel, a soft and fluffy cushion, etc.
pocmloc, Apr 29 2012
  

       //a soft and fluffy cushion//   

       WTF? Who has one of THOSE?
UnaBubba, Apr 29 2012
  

       The title of this Idea suggested to me that this is something that cops would use, to plant evidence that can lead to an arrest.   

       I'm reminded of a friend-of-a-friend tale in which a social worker visited a child and then reported that the child was infested with head lice. This allowed the social worker to keep her job, **and** to blame the parent for bad child-raising, enabling removal of the child from parental custody, into the greedy hands of the bureaucracy....
Vernon, Apr 29 2012
  

       // Who has one of THOSE? //   

       Give you evens on either [po] or [blissy] ...
8th of 7, Apr 29 2012
  

       //which flings objects// //97 empty bottles of whiskey//   

       unexpected visitor arrives-sees empty bottle of whiskey fly though open window and smash into small pieces.Unexpected visitor now suspects that something interesting is happening. Genius! [+]
erenjay, Apr 29 2012
  

       "hi- test fertilizer; gerbil; dishwasher tablets; lubricant; 3/8" bolts"   

       Exactly! I'll add them to the list..would that be 3/8" bolts Whitworth?   

       >countries you have been to, and can't visit again for fear of prosecution   

       In Japan I had a library book overdue for...an entire week! Do you see what I mean...
not_morrison_rm, Apr 29 2012
  

       //would that be 3/8" bolts Whitworth? // That's what I said, and don't call me Whitworth.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 29 2012
  

       <Visits home of stranger; notices empty whisky/ey bottles, signed photo of Lady Ga Ga, etc. and comes to conclusion this apparently addled fool is a halfbaker.>
UnaBubba, Apr 29 2012
  

       hilarious...
EdwinBakery, Apr 30 2012
  

       I can provide the bone saw. We've got extras.
Alterother, Apr 30 2012
  

       //I can provide the bone saw// You are actually serious, aren't you?
erenjay, Apr 30 2012
  

       If anyone needs to borrow a jackhammer, I'll post you mine but you have to return it when you're done.
UnaBubba, Apr 30 2012
  

       In his latest novel Charles Stross mentions a DNA dispenser loaded with samples taken at an international airport used to clutter a crime scene - this is less portable but more interesting.
normzone, Apr 30 2012
  

       // You're actually serious, aren't you? //   

       Yes. The only ones we can spare are fairly old, but they're classic models and in good condition.
Alterother, Apr 30 2012
  

       Can I borrow the horse briss ?
FlyingToaster, Apr 30 2012
  

       Only if you bring it back with a full tank.
Alterother, Apr 30 2012
  

       Who ever thought they'd spell 'orsepiss A U S P I C E ?
UnaBubba, Apr 30 2012
  

       I thort it were H-O-S-P-I-C-E.
Alterother, Apr 30 2012
  

       > In his latest novel Charles Stross mentions a DNA dispenser loaded with samples taken at an international airport used to clutter a crime scene....   

       Strangely I do seem to remember a really crummy short story written (by me), someone collects DNA samples from McDonalds front door handles to then clutter a crime scene....
not_morrison_rm, Apr 30 2012
  

       "The results have come back from the lab Chief - the murder was committed by the Hamburgler."
AusCan531, May 01 2012
  

       I like my women like I like my hamburger... finely ground, seasoned and flame-grilled to perfection... Little Patty.
UnaBubba, May 01 2012
  

       It's your patty, you can fry if you want to. Fry if you want to. Fry if you want to.
AusCan531, May 01 2012
  

       //keys to a Porsche// Try the radioactive keys to a Benz. Obviously I have no need for this invention.
DIYMatt, May 01 2012
  

       Interesting... a toy bazooka caused a school to be evacuated today. May have come from one of these kits.
UnaBubba, May 01 2012
  

       >Try the radioactive keys to a Benz.   

       Easy to find in the dark, if you happen to have a geiger counter.   

       I could probably scrounge one up pretty quickly here (looks out of the window, sees many otaku. Yep, definitely Akihabara).
not_morrison_rm, May 01 2012
  

       // >Try the radioactive keys to a Benz ... Easy to find in the dark, if you happen to have a geiger counter. //   

       <ponders the potential for irony from a clunky old-style Geiger counter with an analog meter provided with radium-luminous numerals and a thick coating of creamy lead-laden paint ...>
8th of 7, May 01 2012
  

       Yes, some sort of device which, when activated (by the pressure of a holdall placed in the bath for example) distributes items of clothing appropriate to the opposite gender around the flat, thus saving MI6 (or the intelligence agency of your choice) the bother.
zen_tom, May 01 2012
  

       //a toy bazooka caused a school to be evacuated today. //
How times change - when I was about 12 or 13, my history teacher asked me to collect a Civil War (the English one, not that johnny-come-lately US one) sword he'd loaned to an exhibition.
I rode home with it on the bus, and next day, took it into school with me to give to him.
To be fair, I don't suppose it would cause as much damage as a real bazooka.
AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 01 2012
  

       In anti-personell terms, think again. With the element of surprise in my favor, I could go through an infantry squad in 30 seconds (longer if they have bayonets fixed). My longsword can't rip open a tank, though.
Alterother, May 01 2012
  

       You're not hitting it hard enough then.
pocmloc, May 01 2012
  

       Yup… remember, a bazooka (or panzerfaust or panzershreck, or indeed - Gods help you- a PIAT) is a directional shaped charge, if not- in the early incarnations- a true EFP.   

       Used against personnel, yes, "target will fall if hit", but there's really not that much off-axis effect, or enough material in the casing for fragmentation effects.   

       Hit a vehicle or a building and there'll be a fair bit of spalling and secondaries which will contribute to the mayhem, but don't go expecting much result from blast effects- too directional.
8th of 7, May 01 2012
  

       Yeah, I've heard that even the M203s grenades are surprisingly ineffective unless fired into a small room.
Alterother, May 01 2012
  

       My soft fluffy cushion has gone missing. Which one of you thieves got to it...?   

       I like this idea, but I have an exciting life and my surroundings seem to change daily. Sort of.
blissmiss, May 01 2012
  

       "These are a few of my favorite things..."
blissmiss, May 01 2012
  

       ^heh-heh. Thanks for the laugh... and the excuse to self- link.   

       My house is strewn with pagan artifacts, very odd souveniers, things I've picked up in the woods, swords, shields, firearms, marijuana pipes, books on virtually every subject, Warhammer 40,000 figurines, random tools, back-issues of Playboy, and mangled dog toys. There's a half-disassembled autoclave in the corner of my living room. I probably don't need one of these things, but I still like the idea.   

       I should probably tidy up.
Alterother, May 01 2012
  

       <rapid audit of items within arm's reach>   

       Selection of polished brass shell casings, 25pdr shrapnel shell (now inert), 116 books, 3 operating notebook computers, Leatherman Wave multitool, 5 part-bottles of single malt whisky, wallet, motorbike helmet, pair of antique victorian handcuffs, replica Roman gladius in scabbard, 7 remote controls, 3 mobile devices, corkscrew, 36 writing implements, drink coaster, 6 assorted pieces of coaxial cable, USB hub (dismantled), tube of toothpaste, can of fly spray, innumerable DVDs and CDs, half metre length of 8mm o/d 316ss stainless steel tube, retractable dog lead (small), battery-powered hamster (no batteries), dead wasp in tiny jam-jar (no air holes), parts used tube of GE clear industrial silicone sealant, maglite, motorcycle headlamp bulb with 'dip' filament burnt out, PPringles tube half full of part used dry batteries, 9.5Gb SCSI 3.5" HDD, one unused black bootlace (long).
8th of 7, May 01 2012
  

       You're in the bathroom, then?
Alterother, May 01 2012
  

       Shower room, actually…
8th of 7, May 01 2012
  

       [+] Although I feel as though my life is mundane, my house is actually filled with exciting objects! I still love this idea and would have differently loaded objects for different visitors. (just to blow their minds!!)
xandram, May 01 2012
  

       //mjltitool// This Heathen variant is much rarer than the usual secular ones!
pocmloc, May 01 2012
  

       Not to be confused with the Muftitool, which is a military standard pocket weapon, in civilian drag.
UnaBubba, May 02 2012
  

       My life is exquisitely boring. When it isn't, it's off-the-wall bizzarre.   

       I used to hate being bored but I've learned to appreciate it because it never seems to last.   

       There are days I'd kill to be bored. The rest of the time I just want the voices to stop.
UnaBubba, May 02 2012
  

       "I hear voices, but I just ignore them and keep on killing" - Sean Lock on Q.I.
AusCan531, May 02 2012
  

       I think that's what we'll find happened to Allison Baden-Clay.
UnaBubba, May 02 2012
  

       >Yeah, I've heard that even the M203s grenades are surprisingly ineffective unless fired into a small room.   

       Dammit, I'm not using one of those! I mean you have go round first, pretend to be from double-glazing company, baffle them with leaflets and complementary pens, while they reading the small print, you can then measure up, and then go away and then fire. It's hardly a stealth weapon, is it?   

       >25pdr shrepnell shell (now inert), Aha, so you didn't notice the substitution...
not_morrison_rm, May 02 2012
  

       The deluxe version of this product has a wide variety of object for ejection, with selection either programmable based the expected guest, or by way of themed presets, in the event of an unsolicited visit. This way, if any of the halfbakery's paramilitary wing come to tea, you can spunk a stupefying array of armaments and associated accoutrements all over your living space. Equally, if it's Jehovas Witnesses, simply say to them, "why of course, do come in" while reaching in your pocket for the remote control, pressing the button marked Plenty Dildos, and faking a coughing fit to mask the sound of a gross of cocks thudding to the carpet.   

       The superdeluxe version has each item on a spidersilk thin draw cord, so you tidying up can be effected by the touch of a button, the dildos slithering apparently of their own violition back across your hearth rug to the strange black box behing the coal scuttle.
calum, May 02 2012
  

       // the halfbakery's paramilitary wing //   

       Heh. I like that.
Alterother, May 02 2012
  

       Come… join us… don't be afraid…
8th of 7, May 02 2012
  

       Oh... I thought I was already a part of it. I mean, I've never had military training, but I wouldn't make a half-bad sniper. Plus there's the whole swordfighting thing...
Alterother, May 02 2012
  

       //Selection of polished brass shell casings, 25pdr shrapnel shell (now inert), 116 books, 3 operating notebook computers, Leatherman Wave multitool, 5 part-bottles of single malt whisky, wallet, motorbike helmet, pair of antique victorian handcuffs, replica Roman gladius in scabbard, 7 remote controls, 3 mobile devices, corkscrew, 36 writing implements, drink coaster, 6 assorted pieces of coaxial cable, USB hub (dismantled), tube of toothpaste, can of fly spray, innumerable DVDs and CDs, half metre length of 8mm o/d 316ss stainless steel tube, retractable dog lead (small), battery-powered hamster (no batteries), dead wasp in tiny jam-jar (no air holes), parts used tube of GE clear industrial silicone sealant, maglite, motorcycle headlamp bulb with 'dip' filament burnt out, PPringles tube half full of part used dry batteries, 9.5Gb SCSI 3.5" HDD, one unused black bootlace (long).//   

       No tea.
ytk, May 03 2012
  

       //faking a coughing fit to mask the sound of a gross of cocks thudding to the carpet//   

       "Gross" being the operant term.
UnaBubba, May 03 2012
  

       I feel so inadequate. I only have one and it barely reaches halfway to the carpet.
AusCan531, May 03 2012
  

       That's the trouble with being human, among this lot.
UnaBubba, May 03 2012
  

       // I feel so inadequate. I only have one and it barely reaches halfway to the carpet.   

       Buy thicker pile carpet. Problem solved, except be easy to lose stuff in there.
not_morrison_rm, May 03 2012
  

       Define "stuff".
UnaBubba, May 03 2012
  

       Define "define".   

       I was thinking contact lenses, those small screws that always fall out of something when you take it to pieces, springs (see previous item), chihuahuas (not in itself a bad thing) and depending of the depth of the pile, Atlantis itself.
not_morrison_rm, May 03 2012
  

       I hate it when I get a gaggle of chihuahuas stuck in the tread on my boots.
UnaBubba, May 03 2012
  

       //I hate it when I get a gaggle of chihuahuas //
I think the correct collective noun is "a vomiting of chihuahuas", or more simple "an up-chuck"
AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 03 2012
  

       //define "stuff"// I was thinking about that the other day, in regards somebody everybody says is a hoarder, but actually simply has lots of stuff...   

       My:
Things - often used possessions
Stuff - not often used possessions, obsolescent
Junk - stuff that can be fixed or used to fix other stuff.
Trash - junk that can't be fixed and has no use; not to be confused with garbage which contains organic elements.
  

       (There's also of course compost, reusables and recycleables)   

       The classifications are quite mutable of course: the two most common modifiers are personal attachment and coolness factor.
FlyingToaster, May 03 2012
  

       // Junk - stuff that can be fixed or used to fix other stuff.... The classifications are quite mutable ... common modifiers are personal attachment and coolness factor. //   

       Like occasionally looking wistfully at the thing used as a doorstop, and thinking, "Hmmm, now, all than needs is a couple of kilos of Plutonium and it would really whistle ..." ?
8th of 7, May 03 2012
  

       Are you still using that former girlfriend as a doorstop?
UnaBubba, May 04 2012
  
      
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