Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Poncy football

The real fans will kill me for this one.
  (+7, -2)
(+7, -2)
  [vote for,

Football (the one that actually uses the feet) is quite rightly called the beautiful game. When played well it can be quite breathtaking, especially when the players start to take the piss. When one team is winning pretty handily or a particular player is feeling cocky there are many bizarre and fantastic tricks that the players can do. Unfortunately the serious nature of most televised games (due to the vast amounts of money invested in them) discourages this ineffieient but interesting play.

I propose a sub-game of football with a panel of judges akin to those in figure skating, ribbon twirling or many other (usually lame) sports. These judges would be allowed to award up to five 'goals' to those who played with the most flair. If one team greatly outshone the other they may get all five but usually they would be split among the teams. The judges' rulings would be given at the end of the match along with explanations of which players earned them and how they did it. They would not be obliged to award all five 'goals'.

Goals scored in the traditional way would still count and the normal rules wouldn't be modified at all to accomodate the judges. If a move is interesting but illegal (eg. a bizarrely executed foul) it wouldn't be counted by the judges.

As I see it, the players would still need to play well to score as many traditional goals as possible but would have the option to increase their team's score without attacking. Defenders would have as much chance of getting one of the judges' 'goals' as strikers. That goalie a few years ago who pulled off the scorpion kick would probably have got one.

Before I am flamed to hades I will reiterate that this should be a sub-game, not a replacement to the normal rules. I imagine this would be popular at charity matches, pre-season friendlies and other matches that aren't as important to the clubs as league or tournament matches are. It would probably increase attendance to these events.

nb. If this has already been proposed here I missed it. If it has been baked I missed that also. I tried to google for preexisting ideas but couldn't think of a narrow enough search string to get a usably small number of results.

stilgar, Jun 13 2006

door-K-nob http://dictionary.r...com/browse/doorknob
[methinksnot, Jun 13 2006]

Best football move ever... http://upload.wikim...na_kung-fu_kick.jpg
I bet no-one in the ground had the vision to see this unique piece of genius coming! [Jinbish, Jun 13 2006]

Philosophers' Football en.wikipedia.org/wi...ers'_Football_Match
for [Unabubba] - the Pythons almost hit the mark with this one [neilp, Jun 16 2006]

The Scorpion Kick, demonstrated by Mr. Higuita. http://fcsc8041.hom...HiguitaScorpion.htm
[Ling, Jun 16 2006]


       what are you talking about?
po, Jun 13 2006

       All that juggling stuff that they do on adverts for boots and trainers. I want to see whole matches of the stuff.
stilgar, Jun 13 2006

       that's not feckin' football.   

       watch the world cup and watch the antics of the fans...
po, Jun 13 2006

       No, it's poncy football. Showing off and generally being flash gits. Fantastic.
stilgar, Jun 13 2006

       you're beginning to annoy me <headbutts>   

       do something about your profile page - that so annoys me... you cannot be bothered to tidy your own page... grrr
po, Jun 13 2006

       OW! my dose hurds.
stilgar, Jun 13 2006

       serve you feckin' right...   

       proffers tissue and sugar lump. oops, not in a good mood.
po, Jun 13 2006

       Done. I forgot that it still said all that 'this account was destroyed' stuff. Thanks.
stilgar, Jun 13 2006

       hope there's an email address...   


       reads profile...   

       <flutters lashes...>   

       word to wise - take care.
po, Jun 13 2006

       <blushes> there is now.   

       May not be as wise as you think though.
stilgar, Jun 13 2006

       hah, you'll get loads of spam now...   

       something from me too, though.
po, Jun 13 2006

       I must say, the quality of spam has been going down lately. The last lot I deleted wasn't even readable; subject lines like "gfsvdsp jknclaskln tarpaulin vcdsankl" aren't any where near as amusing as offering me boob enlargements or nob lengthening to women.
stilgar, Jun 13 2006

       Hello, what did I miss? Ooops, sorry, didn't see the tie on the doorknob, sorry, sorry, thousand apologies. I'll come back when you two are finished.
methinksnot, Jun 13 2006

       sp? nob?
po, Jun 13 2006

       I've always dropped the K when referring to a penis. Makes differentiating between dong and door opening devices easier (except in the dark).
stilgar, Jun 13 2006

po, Jun 13 2006

       There's no answer to that. :~)
stilgar, Jun 13 2006

       As I said in the javelin-motorsport discussion a while back, sports in which there are multiple, simultaneous, radically different objectives are likely to descend into a farcical optimisation wherein one objective is focussed upon almost entirely while all others are essentially ignored.   

       Take this post for example. I was deliberately winning points for excessive sentence length, and consequently ignored almost everything else.
Texticle, Jun 14 2006

       Besides, it is baked allready, streetfootball. On a small field scoring goals is important but not as important as owning your opponent.
zeno, Jun 14 2006

       I find it more important to own the ball... that way if the game goes against you, you can always take it home. Owning the players, on the other hand, is a drag.
david_scothern, Jun 14 2006

       ooh, you know what I mean! That's how they talk!
zeno, Jun 14 2006

       Long time no see, Naib. Why not watch only the Brazil games?
wagster, Jun 14 2006

       Good idea stilgar. You could call it the Sepp Blatter Project. Then eliminate all physical contact from the game, restrict competition to only those clubs with the most money and hire lots more officials to judge who won rather than relying on the vagaries of goal scoring. I'm sorry but there really isn't a fishbone big enough for this idea.
DrBob, Jun 14 2006

       I think the title should be "Poncier football"
hippo, Jun 14 2006

       //That goalie a few years ago who pulled off the scorpion kick // Wasn't that in the Eighties? The Columbian goal-keeper with big frizzy orange hair?
Ling, Jun 14 2006

       Do they get extra points for a nicely executed dive?   

       I especially like that little hoppy walk they do for about 20 seconds after they get up before racing off *as if* nothing was wrong with them after all. Convincing!
squeak, Jun 14 2006

       Rene Higuita is the golakeeper in question. He's the fool that performed the superflous 'scorpion' kick in 1994 in a friendly against England.   

       He's also the same nut job that dribbled the ball out to the halfway line during a game inthe 1990 World Cup and proceeded to lose the ball to Roger Milla of Cameroon - who scored, knocking them out.   

       The frizzy-orange guy you're thinking of is Carlos Valderramma, a midfielder and former captain of the Columbian national side.
Jinbish, Jun 14 2006

       //Football (the one that actually uses the feet) is quite rightly called the beautiful game.//
. . . by the same person who called boxing "the sweet science".
phundug, Jun 14 2006

       // the referees at the World Cup even have instructions to penalise players for pretending to be hurt.//

And they still don't do it. Now if teams got extra points for delivering crunching tackles and leaving your opponent in a mangled heap on the floor, the scourge of diving and falling over whenever anyone breathed on you a bit too hard would be eliminated overnight.
DrBob, Jun 14 2006

       //shan't mention England's showing// **I noticed** <tee hee>
Jinbish, Jun 14 2006

       //frizzy-orange guy you're thinking of is Carlos Valderramma//ha ha, I thought you were going to say, Carol Vorderman.
po, Jun 14 2006

       /while waiting for a chance to fall over and feign injury. Namby-pamby pack of girls./   

       Testify! <sways side to side in pew, hands waving above head>
Texticle, Jun 14 2006

       sp. Colombian, as if from Colombia. Not columbian as if from Columbia. Subtle difference there of 8,000 km.
methinksnot, Jun 15 2006

       All that fancy footballness, and with no hands. But they still use both feet. If they really want to prove their ponce, they would go at it one footed. The other could be lashed to their belts, or held extended at an angle.
bungston, Jun 15 2006

       //sp. Colombian//
My mistook.
Ling, Jun 16 2006

       Make sure you don't do it agian.
methinksnot, Jun 16 2006

       [Texticle] If this works as I intend (almost typed that with a straight face) a team that farted about too much with one type of goal would get nailed by a more versitile team.   

       [Wagster] The Brazillians do seem to be best at this.   

       [DrBob] If the big clubs saw this as an opportunity to wrap their most precious players in more cotton wool that would probably happen. Hopefully the masses would revolt.   

       Everyone who speculated as to which scorpionesque player I was thinking of, your guess is as good as mine, I just remember saying 'blimey'.
stilgar, Jun 16 2006


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