Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Prevent Ass splash #2

I think you will like this one.
  (+8, -21)(+8, -21)(+8, -21)
(+8, -21)
  [vote for,

Take your typical toilet seat cover. It fits onto the seat so as to protect the arse from danger. My idea is to simply replace the cut-away center with a bag made of the same material. So your poop falls into the bag and stops the water from flying back up your cornhole. You then just flush the mess away.
Antegrity, Feb 13 2007


       Or you could just shit in a bag. [-]
theleopard, Feb 13 2007

       I think we need a theme day where every idea has to include the phrase "It fits onto the seat so as to protect the arse from danger".   

       Or at least an arse safety awareness week.
hidden truths, Feb 13 2007

       It would get immdiately soggy and splash up and stick to your butt.
nomocrow, Feb 13 2007

       I'm thinking something that resembles a large stretchy tapeworm would do the trick.
daseva, Feb 13 2007

       This is one of the most disgusting, and bad ideas I have ever seen.
Germanicus, Feb 13 2007

       It doesn't hold a candle to Vagina Jam.   

       I'm probably the first person in the world to write that sentence.
nomocrow, Feb 13 2007

       //Take your typical toilet seat cover.// Would I be missing something here? A toilet seat cover is (is it not?) a decorative and generally fluffy garment worn by the lid-most part of the toilet. Why does it have a cut-away centre?
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 13 2007

       Remove water from bowl. No more splash. Deal with the smell as a separate idea.
This reminds me of a quotation from an acquaintance in a pub:
"You know when you make a Poo Hammock, right?"..."Erm,...No?..."
Apparently this achieved the same thing and allowed one to inspect the contents for digestive abnormalities...... But nobody ever talks about it anymore....
gnomethang, Feb 13 2007

       //I'm probably the first person in the world to write that sentence\\   

       I hope you'll be the last.   

       Isn't this idea totally baked by the ol' "plastic wrap over the toilet" prank?
Noexit, Feb 13 2007

       Just toss a tissue in the toilette. Doing that has been known to reduce the risk of ass splash by 800%. I hate ass splash because it's always so cold!
quantum_flux, Feb 14 2007

       Plastic wrap over the toilet, thats great. Common; millions of people a day suffer the indignity of having one cold fast moving drop of toilet water "Like the shot that destroyed the death star" cruise right up the old corn hole. Its a very serious issue facing modern man.   

       I could re-name this as the crap bag idea.
Antegrity, Feb 14 2007

       Ass splash (or "the poor man's bidet", as it's sometimes known) is a scourge! I've always suspected that if the surface of the water weren't symmetrical, it would lessen the splash, since the wave wouldn't be reflected back to the original splash point.   

       It's true, though, that dropping a sheet or two of TP solves the problem. If you're keen to shit in a bag, check out BumperDumper.com.
John I, Feb 15 2007

       //check out BumperDumper.com//   

       I think the guy would have done better if he'd actually pulled down his long-johns as well.
jtp, Feb 15 2007

       Now you know why bears shit in the woods.
DrBob, Feb 15 2007

       I read the title thinking to myself that this would be some kind of shield with a hole in it so that when you deploy the "bombs", everything would splash on it instead of you. But instead you chose to teabag your poo.
Jscotty, Feb 15 2007

       Your point being?
Texticle, Feb 15 2007

       Perhaps it would be easier to design a special machine that could grab the end of the toilet paper roll, and slide it under the seat to be anchored on the other side of the bowl.   

       You now have the "poo hammock" that fella in the bar was discussing, but the weight of the poo should cause the roll of TP to slowly lower into the water. A sprcially calibrated tensioning device might be needed on the TP roll, and it would either have to work fast in the event of a "marble drop" or be effective for only the first log, which is after all often the most offensive as far as ass splashing is concerned. Justifing the wasted paper will be up to you of course.   

       While preventing ass splash is a noble goal, the method you use needs further refinement. Also, out of principle I will have to bone any idea that is both a sequel, and causes the word "ass" to appear on the recent 3 page.
ye_river_xiv, Feb 16 2007

       Readmy first idea. mabye its time for round three? Im not going to stop until the problem is solved.
Antegrity, Feb 16 2007

       I think you could use a vortex or whirlpool.   

       Alternatively, just make sure you dump a periscope, so that the trailing end doesn't go below the surface.
Ling, Feb 16 2007

       Considering the material arse gaskets are made with, would a healthy-sized dump not tear right through the bag? You would have to make the bag shallow enough to not touch the toilet water and cause "bag sog", yet deep enough to ensure logs don't make contact with your bum.   

       I'm with John I on the two sheets of TP method...
gummyjane, Feb 16 2007

       Instead of a bag, use the Chinese art of origami to make the cut-away center a hinged flap from the front and supported by twin paper suspension tabs in the back. This would hold the flap at a 60 degree angle, and thusly, eliminate the splash against the buttocks as it would change the speed, the angle of impact, and direction of any resultant spray. I would like monetary compensation if you go with my idea -- my thinking, market it under the name "The log ride," or "the poop chute."
Monty6, Feb 25 2007

       I think you mean the Japanese art of Origami - this one's for the flush [marked-for-excretion]
xenzag, Feb 25 2007

       The use of TP to break the fall is reliable only on the first plunk. The paper is taken to the bottom of the bowl thus leaving the risk of back-splash higher at the end. If the water was chilled to a temp just above freezing, it would allow the first plop to stay afloat thus increasing your odds of it breaking the fall of the next one. Running the risk of overflowing the bowl due to too much paper could be avoided by using ice chips ( they float) to break the fall. Even better would be to adapt your bowl to work like a slushee machine allowing a swirling mixture of lets say blue toilete bowl cleaner and grated ice to stop back-splash every time and keep the bowl clean and sanitary.
Sizematters, Feb 25 2007

       While the slushee idea sounds like a decent solution, the thought of an ice cold toilet seat sounds rather uninviting...
gummyjane, Feb 25 2007

       Only the bowl needs to cold. The seat can be warmed to a comfortable level.
Sizematters, Feb 26 2007

       Xenzag, no I meant Chinese...they had the Japanese beat by several hundred years, but this hobby fell out of practice in favor of putting little messages into cookies.
Monty6, Feb 26 2007

       What are you doing with your donkey in the loo anyway?
Azazello, Feb 26 2007

       A poo hammock seems like a bright idea to me (+).   

       Perhaps we should design a big hammock for resting in, that has a small hammock sewn underneath that you can poo into?
spiritualized, Feb 26 2007

       Arse splash is the bane of my existence. I've been thinking of some kind of computerised water jet in the bowl that breaks the water tension a millisecond before the turd does, but this is so much simpler.   

       And, I'm thinking, you could put the device underneath the seat to prevent the paper from sticking to your thighs.   

       ...heaven. [+]
m_Al_com, Feb 27 2007

       This is a great idea because it obviates the need for a flush. Water for toilets is super wasteful. Plastic bags are cheap. Pooping into a bag means the bag can be discarded into the trash. It works for diapers.
bungston, Mar 09 2011

       I had the splash up your arse effect happen to me once... In a porta-john... a previously used one. I cringed whilst looking at the blueish-green stain on the toilet paper as I inspected my wipings.
MikeD, Mar 09 2011

       Couldn't you use a bag with a slit in the bottom so that it acts like a flexible funnel/valve - the poo can go down and through the slit, but anything on its way up hits the bag instead of your anoooos.
TomP, Mar 10 2011

       Dry orgqnic toilets use wood, rose pellets or coffee powder. No bad oder and no splash and the turtles and frogs in the nearby stream get to live.
pashute, Mar 12 2011


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